Wednesday, April 22, 2009

How do you say "Pork Barrel" in Kenyan?

Just because the Anglican Church of Kenya hasn’t bothered to spell little Billy Atwood’s name correctly on their web site doesn’t mean the people of Nairobi don’t think of North America’s favorite faux-Kenyan everyday. Or at least two of them do: Primate Benjamin M. Nzimbi, and whoever it is that has been appointed heir to the pointiest hat in all Kenya.

That’s because ++Nzimbi’s term of appointment has expired, and lobbying for the forthcoming election, to be held later this week, is fierce. Speaking to leading Kenyan newspaper The Daily Nation, the Rev. Joshua Owiti from Maseno South Diocese hinted that at least some of the delegates have been less than impressed with the globe-trotting Gafconeer, saying “only God can give the church a new leader who will improve the image tainted by taking partisan positions during the 2007 General Election”.

Which is why the schismatics – or their money, at any rate – are currently foremost in the outgoing administration’s mind: one only has to read the Daily Nation’s review of synod processes to realize just how vital U.S. dollars will be to greasing enough palms to ensure ++Nzimbi and his fellow GAFCON puppeteers can continue pulling the strings:
“Political and ethnic lobbying has started in earnest, with key political parties aligning themselves with some candidates.
ACK elections normally draw the interests of the political leadership, in a bid to win the support of the church members through their leader.”
Equally interesting is the fact that not a mention of this was made at recent GAFCON meeting in London, even though it marked the last time ++Nzimbi could legitimately sit as a member of the “Primates Council” Then again, since not being a Primate doesn’t stop 12.5% of the Council from participating, and it remains to be seen if he can bring himself to relinquish one of the choicest plums any Kenyan Prelate has ever enjoyed. My guess is ++Nzimbi will cut a deal with his appointed successor to ensure he keeps enjoying the travel, fine hotels, and sycophantic Westerners, while the newcomer has to content himself with the local first-fruits.

What we can be certain about is that it won’t be long after reading this before little Billy Atwood is screaming down the phone at some first-year I.T. student in Nairobi, demanding the web page is fixed Now!!! If anyone’s interested in laying bets on how many days it takes for him to have it changed I’m sure the St. Onuphrius’ Treasury will be able to give most attractive odds. Don’t worry though: I’ve already saved a copy of the current page for our future reference, edification, and amusement.

Incidentally, anyone concerned about little Bishop Nzimbi’s other plans for the future will be delighted to know that he’s been nominated for a seat on the proposed Kenya Truth, Justice and Reconciliation Commission. And when you’ve caught your breath and finished laughing you might then consider pausing in a moment’s prayer for the people of Kenya. Clearly they need our prayers more than any of us had imagined.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


JimB said...

Putting Nzimbi on a truth and justice commission is like putting Pete Rose on an anti-gambling committee.


Canon Itchy said...

"Artwood" sounds ever so slightly pornographic methinks!

susan s. said...

Yes, Canon Itchy, as my niece would say " That's just so wrong!" In more than one way, I would say.

Cany said...

Well, in the linked article, it includes this commission goal:

The setting up of the commission was recommended by the National Dialogue and Reconciliation Committee which was formed to find out the root causes of the post-election violence.I have little doubt that Nzimbi will blame it on +Gene Robinson.