What a lot of excitement yesterday brought us here at St. Onuphris’! Evangelical Eric’s ‘audition’ at last night’s Young People’s service turned out a real adventure, since it seems things all got too much for him. Brother Richthofen was babbling something about ‘Eric forgetting his safe word’ (whatever that nonsense means), as our young probationary Curate lost consciousness while participating in the liturgy, startling everyone by turning a color not part of ecclesiastical calendar.
One of the congregation phoned for an ambulance (Sunday evenings may be called our “Youth Service” but I’m proud to say we also attract a large number of older gentlemen, although why they all wear long raincoats on even the warmest and clearest of evenings is beyond me), but blessed little Consuella knew there was no need for any external agencies to become involved, and with astonishing clarity of mind for a foreigner she prevented the paramedics from entering, and commenced pulmonary massage on the young clergyman until he started breathing again.
The first I heard of it was afterwards, when they carried the spluttering Eric into the Manse. Initially the lad was most distressed, and making all sorts of wild threats, but we forced a dozen or so calming brandies into him, after which he passed out again and I filmed Consuella re-enacting the kiss-of-life manoeuvres with which she unquestionably saved his life. Upon waking he was able to view these for himself, and as a result sensibly decided to keep quiet about the whole thing, and in future do exactly as he is told.
So, all’s ended wonderfully, which is just marvellous, since it would have been a great pity to lose another Curate so soon after we’d just got him. When I told Evangelical Eric the good news of my decision to confirm his appointment the poor lad was quite overcome; even fainting again. Still, this constant losing of consciousness could come in quite handy if one of us ever needs a new kidney, or Ebay relax their rule preventing the sale of body parts.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.