Our GAFCON Bishop

Since our liberal apostate Bishop has skipped off to Lambeth, I have taken the opportunity to invite our GAFCON Bishop – the Right Reverend Quinine of the Mosquito Coast - to visit. It will naturally be a tremendous opportunity to demonstrate that St. Onuphrius’s is on the cutting edge of the divisions in Global Anglicanism, and in preparation I’ve been researching Bishop Quinine’s background.

The youngest of a large family in the south of England, Adolf Quinine had nine sisters, and was fascinated with their clothing from an early age. An altar boy in their local conservative catholic parish, he enjoyed spending vacations hiking with the vicar, Father McCracken, who was a tremendous influence upon many local lads right up until the day he was tragically arrested and sentenced to 35 years imprisonment.

School was a challenging time for young Adolf. WW2 had just ended, and his name – a family tradition dating back to the Battle of Hastings in 1066, when the Quinines were first to import Liebfraumilch into Britain, thereby resulting in the English defeat – caused tension with the other boys, something exacerbated by his parents having spent the war in detention on account of their outspoken fascist sympathies. Even so, by regularly entertaining his fellow students with talented impersonations of leading Hollywood starlets Adolf was able to win the other lads over, particularly those who excelled at Rugby.

When asked by the school Principal to leave prior to graduation after being caught stealing the chapel offertory, Adolf initially obtained an apprenticeship with a local haberdasher, before further accusations of theft, combined with an obsessive compulsion to fondle the stock, led to him seeking a new start as an officer in the South African Police.

Adolf’s leadership abilities were quickly recognised here, and it wasn’t long before he was promoted to Senior Officer in charge of Beatings and Interrogations. Still, Adolf could see the joyful days of apartheid would soon be over, and an unfortunate incident with a group of investigators from Amnesty International made it clear that god was calling him to move on.

Following this Vocation, Adolf Quinine returned to Great Britain and commenced studies at Pusey House, where became an Evangelical. This stage lasted until just prior to his ordination, when it became clear few low-church parishes could afford to pay the kind of stipend to which he felt entitled, and so he quickly rediscovered his love of Newman and the Catholic liturgy.

Since then Fr. Quinine enjoyed a lack-lustre career, but by attending every ecclesiastic event possible Adolf was able to be sufficiently annoying in a sickly-sycophantic way to ensure that when a vacancy arose in the Diocese of the Mosquito Coast that recommending him for the position of Bishop seemed an ideal way of enabling the English Church’s elite to enjoy the hors d'oeuvres without having to also enduring Fr. Quinine’s toadying, nor his “accidental” brushes against one’s crotch.

Naturally GAFCON was a beacon to the Bishop Quinine, who had begun to realise he’d been exiled, and he’s been shamelessly soliciting alternatives ever since. It’ll be interesting to see how he copes with our success, and I’ve made sure his visa is limited to prevent him getting any silly notions of over-staying his invitation. And accompanying him will be several large packages (the contents of which he is entirely ignorant) I arranged in conjunction with Conseulla’s relatives; so at least there’s no doubt about us profiting from his visit.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.