Saturday, July 12, 2008

Lambeth: A GAFCON Response

Just a fortnight after getting home from their Jerusalem junket, Bishops from around the world are now getting ready for another chance to pretend they’re important; this time in Lambeth.

Now it’s no secret that I’ve not got much time for the Archbishop of Canterbury, at least not until anyone shows me how I can profit by supporting him. There must be a way of doing this, or else Bishop Tommy Wright wouldn’t have risked never again being allowed to sell books in Sydney, but so far I’ve been unable to discover it, and it’s downright ungrateful of Tommy to not share his secret with me. After all, I taught him so much.

Even so, it’s wrong that so many of the lesser GAFCON leaders – men like Big Pete Akinola, Little Pete Jensen, and that other fellow whose name I can’t remember (but it might be “Gaydar”, since that’s what Brother Richthofen’s friends all shout when they see him) are calling little Bishop Venables a traitor for choosing to enjoy a few privileges .

In the first case, don’t they realise that it’s currently winter in Tierra Del Fuego or wherever it is Venables was forced to move in order to have his purple itch scratched? Who can blame the poor man for wanting to escape his miserable home on the sub-antarctic pampas for a few weeks? He may have unwittingly chosen to move to a part of the world were alpacas outnumber people by a factor of several hundred to one, but that’s no reason to hold him hostage, especially as it’s not as if anyone’s going to miss out on a ransom fee by letting let him go.

Secondly, since there’s supposed be a new New Cone starting up in the US, presumably with Little Pete at the head of the Forward in Faith boys (which is going to be the messiest thing to watch since they outlawed cock-fighting, and a thousand times funnier) what do they think Bishop Venables is going to do? Go back to gathering peat moss in a pathetic attempt to find something to burn in the Bishopscourt fireplaces? The poor man has to attend if he’s going to have any hope of keeping afloat once the ship he’s been aboard sails off without him.

No I say, that if any of them had an ounce of sense they’d be all following his example. White ants don’t do any good if they’re outside the house complaining about the timberwork: they’ve got to be right inside the formwork and joinery to have any lasting effect. Big Pete can moan about colonialism all he likes in Nigeria, but get inside Lambeth Palace and ram somebody’s head into the punchbowl, and then he’ll find himself really being taken seriously. So far the man’s been nothing but talk, and as a man of action myself I’ve got to say I’m quite frankly tired of it.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

5 comments :

Fred Schwartz said...

Rev. Dr. Troll -

Perhaps an issue for Lambeth would be the total number of bishops and archbishops allowed by law. They could come up with a formula and then put it in a covenant. For example the number of people each bishop represents in the world added together then divided by the number of angels that can dance on the head of a pin?

This all leads to to the natural question based on all this talk of "if a Bsihop speaks in the woods and there is no laity there to listen does the bishop still make noise?"

Cany said...

hehe... funny Fred...

Leonardo Ricardo said...

What Bishop Venables...I'm here to report, and report, that nobody around this end of the Western HEMISPHERE knows this fish/chip eating bloke or his pal in slime from Bolivia...listen, good Padre, I live in Latinoville and everybody is RELIGIOUS down here and they ain't gonna go for whatever these gents are peddling...the only thing that could improve attendance at The Anglican Church of The Southern Cone is if they GAVE AWAY GREEN CARDS (even then, we'd never see any of the newcoming converts again)...sly like foxes works more than one way! Ole'

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

"Latinville"? do you mean the Vatican City? I had no idea Bishop Venables and Layman Schofield hadd added that into their quiver, but even I'm stunned by their ambition...

Still, if the Pope can invade little Pete Jensen's territory it only seems fair to have a crack at his home in return.

Canon Itchy said...

Many things I don't understand, even after all these many years, but I would like to know what all the bishops and their spouses are doing going to England a full week or so before Big L? OR at least diminished L? My assistant tried to call the diocesan office here in the States (God bless them all) and both the diocesan and the suffragan had already left for England along with their wives and many hat boxes. Large holidays I suppose but who might I ask is minding the stores whilst they are away? I'm afraid to admit it might be some unlettered, untutored and borish archdeacon running the show? What if something should go wrong on the home front. Can it all wait for a month? Will the bishops answer their e-mails; can I have Rowan deliver a note? Will Jane be available for the spouses? I also want to see Mrs Big Pete and Mrs Little Pete. Just curious. Dontcha know? I've always found the spouses of clergy to be preferable to the clergy themselves. Where are you Mrs BP and Mrs LP? Come out, come out, wherever you are!