Life in the Fullness of Schism

From the Ask Father Christian mailbox comes today’s classic example of the sad ignorance abounding as a result the Church’s failure to teach Christians how to benefit from the blessings of Schism.

Dear Fr Christian,

I joined the Facebook group, "I Want To Be Banned From GAFCON", but now I may want to attend the next gathering, since I have been asked to go on assignment to report on the conference for "Les Femmes Anglicannes d'un Certain Âge". I'm sure you've heard of the organization. We are a powerful force within the Anglican Communion. If I withdraw from the Facebook group immediately, do you think that I may be permitted to attend the next conference?

Yours respectfully,

Grandmère Mimi

This letter, which comes from the notorious author of Wounded Bird, whom I am proud to say has show tremendous repentance and growth as a resultant of my important GAFCON internet ministry, is the kind of thing that really breaks my cholesterol-basted heart. While showing a desire to make a wise and profitable decision, the poor woman has clearly been betrayed by her apostate bible-denying preachers, who have left her unequipped to reap the best of a truly blessed situation.

What every Teacher worth his salt should be drumming into their congregation’s heads is this: Real Conservative Christians never choose option A or option B - they choose them both! Just look at the historic Council of Jerusalem (no, not the one in Acts, the real one last week): Archbishop Akinola hates colonialism and Westerners, but then he lets Martyn Minns and Little Pete Jensen do all his writing, talking, and what in that company passes for thinking. Similarly, as a Puritan, Little Pete hates Anglo-Catholics, but he happily supports John-David Schofield and the Forward in Faith squad. And we all know which members of that group speak out against Sodomy, but don’t think twice about hitching up their cassocks and miming to Liza Minnelli. As these GAFCON leaders prove, it’s entirely possible for Biblical Christians to have their cake and eat it, although in the last case they probably take that a little too literally.

In just the same way then, our dear penitent Grandmère should remain a member of her Facebook group, but also attend the next GAFCON ‘pilgrimage’ as a representative of whoever she can persuade to pay for her first-class ticket and five-star accommodation (never compromise your standards when others are paying). In so doing you’ll be keeping entirely true to the whole spirit of everything GAFCON stands for.

And incidentally, don’t worry about anyone at the next ‘pilgrimage’ taking the banning thing seriously. I can assure you none of the Focas will give it a moment’s thought. What with all the young ladies showing their breasts on Facebook, there’s no way Big Pete and his security goons will ever get around to looking at a group of Christians splitting hairs about theological trivialities like acceptance and inclusivity. Not when there’s a whole internet’s worth of amateur porn to get through first.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the bible.