GAFCON Communiqué: Send in the Clowns

Well, well, well: the GAFCON Primates’ Council have released their “communiqué” (which is how pretentious prelates like to describe their $0.02 worth) and the usual culprits are positively buzzing with excitement. Those readers labouring under some delusion that following Christ involves a commitment to balanced thinking and a desire to hear both sides of the argument should probably read Mark Harris’ insights, while those who’d just like to read the document on its own and fall about the room laughing can find it here.

For everyone else who just wants to know enough details to impress their friends/clergy/parishioners/bishop here are a few key points from the World’s Finest Bible Teacher:

☆ Everyone worried about what’s happened to little Pete Jensen and his relatives can relax. Since he’s not a Primate the big monkeys won’t make him a full member of their club, but since he was clearly the only one of them in Jerusalem discrete enough to not blurt out “All Fags Must Die” when asked his about Christian inclusivity, they knew they couldn’t do without him either.
Their solution is an undefined “Advisory Board”, accompanied by the creation of a “Secretariat” to handle correspondence and the web site. Which just happens to have the same mailing address as the Anglican Diocese of Sydney Australia – Little Pete’s personal fiefdom. So it looks like Martyn Minns won’t be getting caught helping out Big Pete Akinola with his typing again: in future it’ll be done by the Jensen family servants instead.

☆ The statement is signed by six primates, four of whom are in East Africa. A fifth, Big Pete is in whatever part of Africa people put Nigeria into – Basket-case Africa perhaps? The sixth, as you can probably guess, is an Englishman in South America, where I have reason to believe the locals are deserting Roman Catholicism in favour of Latin American Anglicanism on account of Little Greg Venable’s bold stand against homosexuality that the Vatican is positively trembling with concern.
All of which shows how thoroughly the GAFCON leadership represents the Anglican World, providing one excludes the democratically appointed leaders of all English-speaking nation in the Communion, and ignores Europe and Asia. It also recognizes that the majority of true leaders can only come from some of the most unstable countries on the most unstable continent on earth.

☆ Everyone who doesn’t support GAFCON in North America and Canada is unchristian, decadent and depraved. Unless people there start thinking like we do there’s no hope for any of them. That’s why our countries are so superior to theirs. Now will you please give the GAFCON leaders more money so they can come and preach to you again? Or at least just get way from where they’re supposed to be ministering?

☆ A few unkind and unhelpful critics have made mention of the communiqué being released a week later than originally announced. This only goes to show how little these apostate liberals understand of how difficult it is to release something that says absolutely nothing, but which still sounds self important enough to fool those feeble-minded enough to count themselves as supporters. I’ve no doubt that when the time comes to actually doing something tangible the Primates’ Council will run to their schedule like clockwork. Just as soon as they can get around to agreeing on what it is they’ll do. Which will happen very soon now. Maybe not at their next meeting, but perhaps the one after that. Or the one after that; it’ll only take a few more business class flights to places much nicer than their hometowns of Malaria, Kenya, or Machete, Nigeria to decide. But soon. Honest.

☆ Have I mentioned that GAFCON is a “Gospel movement”? The primates don’t define what they mean by that, probably because the different groups supporting them would fight each other to death before coming to any agreement, but it must mean something good and they’re it. Which, they hasten to add, doesn’t mean those who don’t support them aren’t also “Gospel movements”. Just that the GAFCON primates believe the Bible. (Why do I think someone’s copying my signature line?

☆”It is expected that priority will be given to the possible formation of a province in North America for the Common Cause Partnership.. And they say Rowan Williams is indecisive??? I haven’t laughed so hard since Ford pardoned Nixon. Clearly the House of Monkeys can’t decide who’ll get to keep the new U.S. conquests, and are already fighting among themselves over the spoils. Bobby Duncan’s letter announcing his bid seems to have conveniently gone missing, and my guess is that with retirement looming Big Pete himself is eyeing off the new job of North American Grand Poobah (Anglican Diocese of Homophobia, Misogyny and Hatred). And we all know how popular that idea is going to be with those currently thinking about realigning.

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So, in conclusion, what does History’s Finest Doctrinal Warrior predict will happen? Plenty. Millions of frequent flyer points will be accrued. Countless blogs will be posted arguing every conceivable angle. David Virtue will say something stupid. Stand Firm will rephrase and repeat it. Kendall Harmon will claim he said it first. Baby Blue will claim to have said it more concisely. Hostilium will talk about her children saying it. Ad Nauseam. The GAFCON tribal differences will grow increasingly pronounced, and those present at the table will gradually reduce in number. Peter Jensen will tire of wasting money. Layman Schofield will get sick of being ignored, and eventually just get sick and shuffle out of the Californian spotlight. People who claimed to hate homosexuality loved Liberace, and those who until recently were able to live without being obsessed by New Hampshire will find a new hobby. One of the African nations in the House of Monkeys will collapse into yet another blood-bath. The really nice couple running a nearby music store/café/hairdressers/dog groomers couldn’t possibly be gay, and if they are who cares since they’re such lovely people? Kids will wonder why their parents used to be so hung up about these things. And St. Onuphrius’ will continue to grow, as will your church if you stop worrying about everyone else’s business instead of your own.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.