Friday, September 26, 2008

The Communion's Greatest Threat Ever!

My Dearly Beloved Sinners in Christ: today finds me positively livid with rage. As I’ve been warning people for years, the Church of England has fallen down the slippery slope which began with giving women the sacraments and allowing foreigners to read the Bible unsupervised. As a result a line in the sand is about to be crossed which will irrevocably damage very fabric of Our Communion, causing us to repeat all the comforting old clichés in self-righteousness.

The circumstances to which I refer are, of course, the outrageous British proposal to permit the Monarch to be a Roman Catholic. This will, of course result in the ultimate Anglican authority being someone who is not even an Anglican!!!

Where, I ask, will this madness end? Such blatant disregard for the plain teachings of Scripture could easily see the Archbishop of Canterbury being appointed by a Hindu or Scientologist – or worse still, someone who is not even Christian, such as a Baptist or Methodist. My dear weaker brothers and sisters, I implore you to join me in fighting to save Christ’s Church from this terrible darkness. Apostate liberals must be made to realize that we will not surrender the faith entrusted to us without a fight – or at least attempting to seize some of the more valuable real estate.

Whilst I agree that the prospect of a Muslim head is not as terrible a threat to the British church as the installation of a homosexual bishop in New Hampshire, which occurred a mere three and a half thousand miles away, the risk is nonetheless too real to ignore. Consequently I’ve contacted Reform (a British group who seem to be sort of like Mormons without the golden tablets or secret underwear) in order to establish a spearhead against this abomination. From the moment I saw their open-neck shirts and fixed smiles it was clear they’re the right men to head the campaign - under my supervision, of course. Now if only I can distract them from their usual obsession with anonymously sending dog droppings to Forward in Faith.

I’m Father Christiana and I teach the Bible.

6 comments :

Fred Schwartz said...

I blieeve you have misconstrued this whole problem. The biggest thread to the communion is the loose one in the chasuble. If that thread is pulled, then the whole chasuble will come unsewn and the celebrant will have no clothes on. OH wiat a minute someone is yelling at me -- What Wilma -- its not the greatest thread?? O criminy sakes -- its what? The biggest threat? Oh well, never mind.

+Maya Pavlova said...

Meow

Two Cents said...

Well this appears to be a no-brainer and one beauty of an opportunity: not Anglican = not a Monarch. Anglican Church set adrift, Rowan becomes Anglo-pope. We put Rowan in a UFC Cage Match with God's Rotweiller and take wagers. Rowan is a shoe in because he's not held together with rusty staples, chewed toothpicks and dirty underwear. I win 7 Billion dollars in wager earnings (a.k.a. "faith investment") and appoint Fr. Christian as Anglo-Roman Catholic earth god and provide 7 blank cheques. All problems solved, Anglican Church besieges world once again with colonialist program and hastens the second coming at our behest. Jesus consults Fr. Christian and we have a new creation with golden roads, "Consuela Poles" on every street corner and the waters of the seven seas are replaced with beer, vodka, rum, wine, GIN, Lemon GIN, and GIN. Panties replace gold as basis of world economy...PEACE ON EARTH, GOODWILL TOWARD PEOPLE.

Anonymous said...

But, you've not considered the worser of all unnatural evolutionshunistic nastisities...A Lesbian Quaker Queen with her own private non-passitivitist gang of Dykes of Bikes on Birthday Celebrating/Parading days/daze.

Lumps of horridness and evil have smitten down the real live and true believers who wanted, and sometimes demanded, nothing but spotless good souls for all.

Vileness approaches and will be reckoned with bother there and further than there.

Villacion Cougot-Gomez Spong

Leonardo Ricardo said...

McCain could use a couple of "poll-dancers"...send him some help fasto before he flips into oversnide.

Father David Heron said...

When celibacy is abolished in the Roman Church, Ratzinger could marry into the Royal Family and become King
We would then have a German on the Throne. No change there, then.