Saturday, September 20, 2008

Hello Greggie? You have a problem...

As my Facebook friends already know, I have discovered the Methodists across the road have an unsecured wireless network, so until the Spawn of Satan reconnect the our internet account I shall avail myself of the Wesleyan’s technical naivety; just as Shelomith and his relatives dedicated the spoils of war to the House of the Lord (1 Chronicles 26:26-27) so too am I dedicating the Godless Women-Ordaining Liberals’ bandwidth to the parish of St. Onuphrius.

Unfortunately this isn’t as easy as it sounds, since the penny-pinching non-conformists don’t leave their connection running all the time, but only turn it on when the shocking female parody of a clergyman is researching some irrelevant and unbiblical topic like love, or caring for widows and orphans. In order to get around this inconvenience I have stationed Evangelical Eric in the Rectory attic: by standing on a ladder and peering through a ventilation slot with a pair of binoculars he can observe everything that happens in the woman’s study. Whenever she turns her PC on Eric starts banging on the floorboards to let me know access is up again, and I drop everything to resume my important online ministry.

This task is actually proving quite therapeutic for the useless boy, since he hasn’t been able to stop sobbing since hearing the news about little Bobby Duncan. Personally I can’t for the life of me see what all the fuss is about, since everyone knows he was long ago superseded by Bishop Clumber. Who might not have opposable thumbs, but is unquestionably less hairy in the eyebrow department. And as a dog is lot more trustworthy.

Indeed, the one who really deserves our sympathy is Bobby’s new Primate, the one and only Southern Venalballs himself, since he’s now the one who’s now going to have to try and keep the Pittsburgh Pirate under some sort of restraint. Certainly little Greggie might be at present congratulating himself for having beat the Nigerians to this prime jewel in schism’s crown, but give things a few months and there’s bound to be another tune playing in the South. Bobby’s too much in love with the limelight to sit quietly and follow his GAFCON masters’ orders, especially since there’s no secret about his vision for a new North American “confessing” province which just happens to have him wearing the big monkey’s hat. Yet if that happens where would all the Africans’ new conquests go? Big Pete Akinola might be a fan of border jumping, but this enthusiasm doesn’t extend to anyone crossing his borders. So what’s Greggy going to say to his fellow Grand-GAFCON-FOCA-Poobah-Primate’s council members when they see the newest clown in his circus stealing the geese that have been laying eggs which, given the state of the US economy, might not exactly be golden any more, but still convert into a hell of a lot more Nigerian Naira than Pete’s boys used to make sending out those funny emails.

No; when that happens there’ll be a lot more tears than just Evangelical Eric’s. And you won’t be able to cheer them up by pointing out that the Rectory attic also gives a good view into the Methodist’s bathroom either. Although then again, given the members of the Chief Monkey’s Council that might be more effective than I’d first imagined.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

9 comments :

Grandmère Mimi said...

Fr Christian, I am so sorry about you internet woes. I've been through similar trials myself. It's red-assin', aint it?

I can't wait for the movie of Venaballs coming trials and tribulations, myself. I hear it's already in the works. "The Clash of the GEEs" (GAFCON Episcopal Egos)is the working title for now, although that could change. "The Fighting FOCAS" is under consideration, too.

Fred Schwartz said...

And it is my understanding that with that movie there will be a song track done by Bobby and Venalballs who have formed a new singing group called the BEEGEES.
As for Evangelica Eric, I am hoping that he is safe as I am sure you are aware someone not trained in the proper use of a ladder could hurt themselves. We only allow our amateur ladder persons a step stool with two rungs. That way it is not as far to fall -- say like Bobby Duncan did. He should have never stood on the next to the top rung -- there is no balance sand surely a fall was inevitable.

+clumber said...

Thank you so much for your support, Father Christian! I have no need for an "In Support of Bishop Clumber" web site, as our former Bishop seems to need, however I was quite delighted to note that Former Episcopal Bishop Duncan's prop-up efforts are being run (apparently) by a chap with the last name of Malarkey. The whole site seems like a bunch of Malarkey.

Remember the motto of the Episcopal Diocese of Pittsburgh:

"If you want to be here, we want you here. If you don't, well, leave the keys under the mat and we'll forward any personal mail you get to your new address."

Grandmère Mimi said...

Oh my, I'm looking at my typos in my previous comment. I like to leave perfect comments, especially on this site, where Fr Christian rightfully demands nothing short of perfection from his admirers. I'm so sorry.

Clumber, you're pulling my leg about the Malarkey fella, right? That's too good to be true.

Fred Schwartz said...

Mimi,
That means I are in a heap o' trouble!

+clumber said...

Okay, well, the overwhelming response within the Diocese of Pittsburgh was that we needed to counter the lies that the Spin People are putting out concerning our fair city and diocese. Therefore I have acceded to the people's demand and have set up the required htmlish web site.

But don't go here (Yes, Mimi, it was not a joke!): support-duncan.blogspot.com,

but do go here:

support-clumber.blogspot.com

If needed, I'll try to add beauty tips concerning trimming your nails and eyebrows for the young pups out there.

Leonardo Ricardo said...

Greg don't know it...Petey don't know it...Henri don't know it...but, I've always known it...these bigmouths bozos are really, I mean really, in for BIG BOY trouble...you know what happens when you get a crowd of dememted leadsters and their suck-em-up/clammouring for attention +newsters sidekicks in the same room?

Food fight, take off all them pretty pointy mitres and let the groveling games begin!

Somehow, it thrills me to think of David Anderson and Martyn Minns pandering/scripting and editing the Gafconning "stand in" Curia while simultaneously reporting to the deminionist/demonists at the IRD...I wonder if the final act of this phony Biblical extravaganza will leave the Africanos standing alone in the wings? Afterall, what would they be needed for and all the former Epsicopal Church players are quick CHANGE artists! Now you see em, now you don't!

Two Cents said...

Maybe I am a fool, but I cannot help but feel compassion for Duncan. As misguided as many feel he may be, it is a sad end for a man, who I am sure, felt he was/is following God. Yes, we are often authors of our own fate, but I wonder why our good Lord has, thus far, protected me from the consequences of so many of my actions and has granted with infinite graciousness the loss of so many compromising photographs (and photographers) while Donut boy gets soaked. I stand fearful, due to my own shortcomings, and other comings, of condemning the man for doing what he felt right...whether I agree or not...did I hear thunder?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

No Two Cents, you didn't hear thunder, nor any criticism of your graciousness from my end. Such sympathy and compassion is a common enough trait among those at your end of the church, and is at least partly to explain how things have reached the mess they have. Was the church mainstream more reflective of GAFCON ethics this whole rebellion/breakaway thing would have been smashed to the ground years ago.

As for why the good Lord allows Bobby's silliness to get him whacked, while yours has gone relatively unpunished, this is a good point, and I shall seek give it some thought before addressing it in the next few days.