Tuesday, September 2, 2008

The Evil Others have Ignored

Proving how so-called “conservative” commentators like Stand Firm and David Virtue have sadly succumbed to liberalism, little mention has been made of the real reason the Communion has been racing to hell in a hand basket even more crowded than ever. Nor have any of the “Christians” we all once trusted been bold enough to address the “elephant in the room” that faithful Bible-believers know marks a new low for the Righteous Gathering which once welcomed those defending slavery.

Nor, while we pray for those in the path of Hurricane Gustav (isn’t it pleasing to see meteorologists using foreign names for hurricanes?), particularly remembering our penitent Nymph of New Orleans, Grandmère Mimi and her loved ones, do we see Bible-teachers bold enough to denounce the obvious reason for such darkness having befallen the earth: there is a new woman Bishop on the south side of the world.

Granted, this has occurred in New Zealand, a country with a population less than the number of people currently on the New Jersey turnpike, but it’s the principle of the matter that’s so disturbing. And besides, the greatest sin can start in the smallest places: just look at the human body.

Despite this travesty occurring about as far south as it’s possible to get without running the risk of developing an unhealthy emotional attachment to penguins, it has fortunately not sullied the stainless reputation of the Southern Cone, since New Zealand is quite logically excluded from this august geographical division, the epicentre of which is in the northern hemisphere.

Even more heartening is the news that Bishop Matthews’ installation was attended by only 1,000 people. This is a whole 148 people fewer than attended the GAFCON in Jerusalem, and far, far less than attended in support of little Martyn Minns’ “enthronement”. When extrapolated to the population of Forth Worth it’s the equivalent of almost 2,000 people attending one of cheeky Bishop Iker’s soirees. Which I’ve been told occurs all the time.

All of which proves that apostate liberal Bible-rejecting churches are indeed dying. You can’t argue with numbers. Which is why St. Onuphrius’ seeker-services offer free beer and dancing girls.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

6 comments :

Cany said...

Forgive me, Father, for I laughed through the whole freaking post.

Should I apply the whip? Or maybe just ask Akinola to stone me or something?

Assign my penance please.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

For goodness sake, dear child, don't even consider asking Big Pete to stone you. The sight of him in a state of sexual arousal is more than anyone in the Communion needs just now.

As penance for sins of this magnitude I recommend taking a cold shower with either Consuella and the Latina Pole-dancing Fellowship, or with Brother Richthofen and his friends from Seminary. Or even better the whole lot of them: that way there's such a crowd nobody gets too chilly.

susan s. said...

Dear Father Christian,

I have been ruminating about this for some time now, and since you brought up the Southern Cone, I am compelled to ask for help. I am afraid that I do not know the differences(if any) between The Southern Cone, The Global South, and The misnamed(I'm sure) GAFCON. I hope I do not offend you by asking this question, but often they are all mentioned in various postings on the inter tubes, and needless to say I am confused. Thank you for your help in this manner.

I remain a humble Soprano

Leonardo Ricardo said...

Many remained sopranos after the clip and fix alternative alteration in old Italy...I'm still cranky just thinking about it...and you best be glad you're named Sue and not Guiseppe Liebowitz Ottino or somethu'n...I'm gonna go lower my voice now and be mean to bigots, excuse me...hasta la vista.

Two Cents said...

I have seen Big Pete in a state of sexual arousal and you are good and correct to spare yourself a mental image that will....not....go....away...(whimper).
I would respectfully suggest, begging your mercy, that you remove any reference to "big" when discussing Pete - it serves to confuse those many who have "known" him as to who your are really talking about.

Leonardo Ricardo said...

"...it serves to confuse those many who have "known" him as to who your are really talking about." dos centavos


But it came upon me so fast...and then ran out of the Motel I couldn't get a good look at it or the vapors trail.