Friday, September 12, 2008

Words defy me...

What can anyone say? A man spends a few days in a coma as a result of accidentally contracting a genetically modified virus, and look what happens – the world goes to hell in a hand basket – that’s what!

Firstly I have awoken to find things sunk so low that eight Californian Bishops can’t see the plainly obvious fact that permitting same-sex marriages is going to end heterosexuality as we know it, and result in millions of marriages ending as husbands leave their wives to partake in an endless gay orgy with their bowling buddies, or the local lawnmower mechanic, while women universally start reading Gertrude Stein while doing things with their tongues that not even St. Paul could comprehend.

Worse than this, however, is that a dear lad whom I know has been learning so much from my teaching was turned down by a parish in such desperate need of his guidance that these primitives don’t even understand the importance of elementary plumbing. Normally in circumstances like this I would simply send a few threatening letters to the wardens on the poor boy’s behalf, and perhaps a note to his Bishop outlining my prowess with incendiary devices, until the offenders had prayerfully reconsidered their stupidity, but I’m concerned the dear young priest mightn’t be quite ready for the maturity of my counselling techniques. Consequently I shall thus far restrain myself to asking that God in His loving graciousness simply afflicts those responsible with a plague of boils. Although given the paucity of contemporary sewerage in their parish it sounds an even bet typhoid will get them first: “Great is Thy Faithfulness” as I always like to sing.

Worst of all, however, is the news that my very favourite lawyer in all Christendom – J. Mark Brewer and his fine firm of Brewer and Pritchard now face court sanctions as a result of having been just the tiniest bit cheeky when applying to have their nice little money-earner charity declared bankrupt.

Now I know Mark reads my teachings here very closely, so I want to take this moment to reassure him that even though my invoice remains unpaid, out of my great love and respect for him as a “missionary”, I shall be sending the court a reference on his behalf. Don’t worry, it shan’t be anything too formal, and the full text will also be up here in the next few days as testimony to his fine character – think of it more as just a chatty little personal note to the Judge in order to help warm his heart toward our favorite Christian businessman and lawyer. Naturally I’ll also explain to His Honor that he could well find circumstances becoming most generous should he care to nominate an amount to simply make this inconvenience disappear. Which would be paid in unmarked bills, of course. Along with the Amazon book voucher of his choice.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

12 comments :

Pierre R. Wheaton said...

Once again, God has placed validation on your status as a true teacher of His Word by bringing you back to us from what was surely a life and death condition. I was concerned that I would have to go elsewhere to be taught true religion. I shudder at that possibility.

Grandmère Mimi said...

Fr Christian, with all due respect, the lad who was turned down for the position in the church with no toilets is not really a lad. Nevertheless, it's a damned shame, even though he didn't want to go there anyway.

David |Dah • veed| said...

Having journeyed to the threshold and returned Monsignor, inquiring minds wish to know, is there really a light?

Did you hear the voice of that midget-sized creature from Poltergeist calling out, "All are welcome, all are welcome. Cross over children. There is peace and serenity in the light"?

dmk said...

Not really a lad? Madpriest is a woman? He's certainly changed since I knew him at college...

Grandmère Mimi said...

DMK, he's a man, so far as I know, but he's - how shall I put it? - middle-aged. Is it the custom in England to call men of middle age lads?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Mr. Wheaton: you are most kind.

As for creatures from Poltergeist, my fine young foreign friend, I can't say I recall any. There were, however, rolling green fields on one side of a deep valley, on the other side of which was an arid fiery wilderness. People on both sides of this divide were shouting "Send him back - We don't want him here!"

Anonymous said...

Great gobs of fireburning leprechauns...no plumbing? No *suitiable* sanitation service? Reminds me of the time when I went to the skiny, yet attractive, 500 year old witch in the far-away campo (she does natural medicine in full traje)...there was NO TOILET when I needed one...later she suggested to my fellow "traveler" (wink) and I that we start each day by drinking a 1/2 cup of fresh urine from a young child...best not to make any kind of "arrangements" with the toiletless spiritual folk...you don't know how they think or just what it is that they believe.

Twainy Yobberthrobber Gaggington

Anonymous said...

Great gobs of fireburning leprechauns...no plumbing? No *suitiable* sanitation service? Reminds me of the time when I went to the skiny, yet attractive, 500 year old witch in the far-away campo (she does natural medicine in full traje)...there was NO TOILET when I needed one...later she suggested to my fellow "traveler" (wink) and I that we start each day by drinking a 1/2 cup of fresh urine from a young child...best not to make any kind of "arrangements" with the toiletless spiritual folk...you don't know how they think or just what it is that they believe.

Twainy Yobberthrobber Gaggington

dmk said...

Grandmere mimi - sometimes yes, especially in Newcastle - 'haway the lads' and all that. It kind of depends on the context.

Some of us middle aged men still think we are lads, even though waistline and hairline say otherwise.

Cany said...

So very glad you are back... there was absolutely no decent replacement in the Yellow Pages.

Grandmère Mimi said...

DMK, thanks. He's a lad; you're a lad. Got it.

Erika Baker said...

Well done, Mimi, that's our girl!