Sunday, September 14, 2008

Never Plead Guilty

Sometimes the world’s evil can even get too much for someone as faithful as me. It’s not an everyday occurrence, but when it does happens you can be sure that the cause has been something truly terrible.

In this instance the shock was so great it even caused my dear computer to be succumb to some sort of malaise – undoubtedly the work of satanic liberals – which resulted in me being unable to wish my dear disciple Pierre Happy Birthday for the 13th. My dear man, please accept my deepest apologies for this dreadful rudeness: I have commandeered a replacement lap-top from a local retailer (Christians live in a war against evil, and in war time it’s perfectly acceptable for a righteous soldier to requisition the necessary supplies – albeit at gunpoint if necessary) and can assure everyone I’m unbowed in the face of this attack, and sincerely hope our dear friend enjoyed a wonderful day regardless of my failure to more punctually bestow the appropriate blessings.

The cause of the shock is simple but tragic: J. Mark Brewer has entered a plea of guilty! Naturally he’s left himself a little wriggle room, but not much by GAFCON standards, and this all goes to show that if the liberals and their apostate ideas of honesty, integrity and transparency can get to Mark they can get to just about anyone except me.

The shock of this tragedy is almost too much for words: as readers will know I was preparing a most imaginative reference for Mark to present as proof of his innovative character and ethics, and I had already contacted the court to explain how generous I believe Brewer & Pritchard would be if the judge felt a little economic incentive (nothing as crass as a “bribe”, although I believe the term might be accurate) would help smooth things over - but now in a moment clearly indicative of tremendous spiritual attack, Mark has compromised everything I’ve ever tried to teach him. Next he’ll be claiming people have some sort of God-given obligation to speak out against dishonest lawyers, bogus charities and incompetent businessmen. He needs our prayers, if only because I'm worried he may find a court-ordered course in professional legal ethics extremely difficult.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

11 comments :

Pierre R. Wheaton said...

Words fail me Father Christian. That I, a faithful, but insignificant follower of your most righteous teachings should warrant a mention of the date of my birth in your most hallowed and widely read vehicle of ministry. This life changing occurence has left me speechless, agog and stupefied.

The fact that you of all people posted a link to my little forlorn outpost in the gluteus maximus of the blogosphere has made the barren existence that I call a life that much more bearable. I am overcome with the vapors, I may just faint.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Pierre, it appears that you have been triply blessed by surviving another year and being a Virgo too (btw, we GIVE people the "vapors" we don't personally succumb to them) and being singled out by Fr. Christian as a extra worthwhile human being...marvelous.

On another front: does anyone know how to get rid of a certain MS Virus in their computer...my updated Norton probram doesn't seem to be able to stop it from slithering into my online life far to regularly with warnings of Virus Attacks that it has created...I too may be going down to the local computeria in bigtown and check a new model out...no laptops for me...my hand are made for building/painting things (not tiny miceing)...report back if you no how to stop this barrage of warnings.

Mil Gracias,

Vernon Caboose

Erika Baker said...

Pierre, how will the humble rest of us ever be able to address one as elevated as you again!
Will you too now accept brown envelopes?

Vernon,
try and external virus scanner like Housecall http://housecall.trendmicro.com/uk/

Pierre R. Wheaton said...

erika, the same way everyone else does...pierre, or dummy or whatever suits your fancy, and I'll always accept any brown envelopes offered to me.

Pierre R. Wheaton said...

erika, the same way everyone else does...pierre, or dummy or whatever suits your fancy, and I'll always accept any brown envelopes offered to me.

Vernon, I didn't choose to be a Virgo, and as far as I know about the characteristics that mark Virgos, I'm about as far away from one as can be imagined. What's the name os the virus you're trying to get rid of?

David |Dah • veed| said...

This life changing occurence has left me speechless, agog and stupefied.
Not to mention redundant, Pierre!

does anyone know how to get rid of a certain MS Virus in their computer
Get an Apple Macintosh, Vernon.

The unrepentent, unwashed and vile sinner which I am, I cannot but help myself for need to dance upon the grave(s) of asshat J. Mark Brewer, Esq. and his asshat relatives, comrades and business partners in crime with utter Schadenfreude-esque abandon and euphoric jubilation for his well deserved misfortune!

May these grave(s) be now and eternally remain, unmarked, and his bones scattered by the winds to the depths of the great sea and the four corners of the Earth.

susan s. said...

dah.veed, how can we continue to enjoy the grave dancing schadenfreude-esque abandon if they remain unmarked? I would make a special trip to the big T if such dancing were actually possible!

Leonardo Ricardo said...

Thank you Erika for the tip...I tried the Housecall scanner and I did seem to get rid of the first virus and now I've got several more...not as annoying...I'm trying to decide about buying a new computer...while is Apple better Dahveed?

David |Dah • veed| said...

Nobody hates Apple as they hate Micro$oft. The Mac OS is much more intuitive, is Unix based and very stable. Which is why nobody bothers writing virii for the Mac.

Pilgrim said...

Once again, Blessed Father Christian, we are blessed beyond measure by your wisdom and insights. May J Mark Brewer discover the wherewithal to repent of his folly and once again feel confident enough in his stewardship of the Lord's resources to assert his righteous indignation at being challenged by lesser beings. As ever, your most humble servant.

asingleblog said...

I read this blog at my peril. In all fairness I cannot ask Mark Brewer to read it. Well he doesn't read. He mistook a petition asking him to get out of Durham for a petition asking for the bookshop to be closed. I daren't ask him to read this blog. He doesn't do satire or innuendo or a question mark at the end of liar. Because he is an idiot I will not ask Mark Brewer to read this blog.