Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Satanic Attacks!

My Dear Sinful Children: as you have no doubt realised my teaching ministry here has this week been sporadic to say the least. This is not I must insist the result of any slothfulness on my behalf, but rather the result of an accursed attack of Satan himself, who has seen fit to manifest in the corporate guise of my internet service provider - an organisation so incompetent I wouldn't be in the least surprised to learn they were secretly responsible for organizing the GAFCON Jerusalem soiree.

It all started simply enough: as I may have mentioned here before we are currently developing a St. Onuphrius' web site of such granduer that little David Schofield will try to steal our domain name even more desperately than he tried to cyber-squat his former diocese's. This site will eventually feature multi-media presentations from all the ministry team, video sermons from great self, and even a few musical presentations for the young folk: I've been reheasing a wonderful little number called "Smells like GAFCON Spirit" which is sure to get teen toes tapping for Doctrinal Purity arond the world: what's more everyone can be certain it will feature plenty of the most essential aspect of any Bible-Based web site - Google Adsense advertising.

Naturally achieving all this will involve a significant increase in bandwidth, and so I personally contacted our ISP to arrange this. "No problems," they said... and DISCONNECTED OUR SERVICE!!!

Calling the following day consumed an entire SIX HOURS waiting on hold, an eternity occasionally interuppted by idiots clearly in search of a village to call their own. Finally I met Danni from Customer Service.

Now I'm by no means what could be called "Charismatic", but when the Lord gives me a`word for someone there's no way a Christian as faithful as me is going to hold back. Thus at some point just after Danni from Customer Service insisted I have never had an account with them, I felt obliged to share what the Spirit had just revealed to me; namely that her future involved something nasty concerning a plague of locusts and her lower colon.

Unfortnately my former ISP is not staffed by Christians open to a faithful Word in Season, and the prophesy not only fell on deaf ears, but has resulted in us having to seek a new ISP, meaning it may be as long as another week before things round here returm to normal. Which also means, since she's no longer taking my calls, that Danni from Customer Service (I'm using her name again to help her find this in Google, since we can be certain she's going to look) is going to be in for a serious surprise when she visits here and realises that my prophetic gift is never wrong - even if I have to hire a team of entomologists to make it come to pass - no pun intended.

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible

9 comments :

Brian R said...

How terrible Father. Have you checked to see if her full name is not Dannii Jensen. The family is so large I should not be surprised if they do not have a Dannii amongst them. They may have run out of jobs for them here and decided to export some of them.

Leo said...

She is indeed the spawn of Satan. You could tell by the fact that she misuses a male name.

Fred Schwartz said...

Good Father Christian,
First Customer Service is an oxymoron for ISP types -- but then you found that out. Second, I am disappointed to discoverthat you do infact us earthly meansto communicate. Your sermons and advice have been so incredible that I always thought it was by grace that your blog appeared, now you tell me it is by mere mortal means. I am indeed idsappointed that this is the case and may be forced to completely rethink my constant seeking of golden information from my most holy sage. This is just not fundamentally sound!

Robert said...

Praise the Lord it was only an attack by Satan. I was afraid that the rapture had taken all the GAFCON people and I was left here alone. Of course that would have been a mixed blessing, the terror of living my life without the word of truth preached by the greatest doctrinal warrior ever known and yet the blessed peace of so many asshat primates being gone!

Erika Baker said...

Fred,
Isn't it the case that Father Christian uses heavenly powers, but at some point the information has to enter the baser, man-made systems we operate to receive his wisdom?

Fred Schwartz said...

My dear Erica,
Thazt has never stopped Fr. Christian before. I am perplexed as to why he reorted to it now?!

Anonymous said...

I didn't want to mention any of this...I mean, it is unseemly to print the unpleasantrys of so-called allies in public...but, I have it on very good authority, directly from The Archangel San Miguel himself, that you have been targeted by your aledged supporter and former student Herbie Vacables...it's not nice and I fear for your franchise as the disconnected dots are starting to make sense...nothing worse than a doty "do gooder" to tear the fabric of fashion underhanded garments and such.

I knew you'd want to know...I knew you must know...there, it's done and I don't regret it but please forgive me anyway (just in case).

Vissalia Vedurita-Calintadora Chang

Erika Baker said...

Dear Father Christian
having heard rumours from your divine message line that your local Methodist group has unprotected wireless equipment, I had rather thought we might be able to benefit from your astonishing insights again today.

I hope it's not a case of a devilish Methodist plot against your eternal truths!

Two Cents said...

It is true then, and this case proves it beyond any reasonable doubt, that where God is most active, so the devil is too. Fret not my great Dr., at the last full moon I had my church women, who bow at the sound of your name, dance, naked and drunk as is their custom, on the Church lawn singing your soulful praises and calling down God's most heinous wrath on those who frustrate the wisdom of God through your hand. Stand back Father - even God would not dare defy Anglican Church Women...