Godless Sinners hoping for salvation around the globe will be delighted to learn that after a week of deep spiritual meditation (aka “blind alcohol-induced daze”) I am indeed now back for another year’s important service as the World’s Greatest Bible Teacher and Doctrinal Warrior. What’s more I’m delighted to announce that here at St. Onuphrius’ we’re celebrating the New Year in a truly GAFCON way – by aligning ourselves with yet another Anglican schism.
That’s right: just when you thought the Communion couldn’t possibly spit any further comes the greatest breakaway of the all: The True Anglican Communion. A shining example of the Church’s future, TAC combines Biblical Literalism with shoddy theology, bigotry, misogyny and sheer stupidity in a way that many in the fight for Anglicanism have only dreamed of achieving.
Granted, I’m going to have to be a little circumspect in my support for their Biblical treatment of women during certain times of the month, since Consuella has informed in no uncertain terms that if I try enforcing TAC’s Scripture-based injunction that “she shall be put apart seven days” she’ll see to it that I’m kicked so hard in the place that the KJV so tastefully describes as “the stones” that according to TAC exegesis I’ll have to forget about my own vocation, but fortunately there’s a wealth of other material on which to base a campaign against my fellow Anglicans.
I’m particularly grateful to The True Anglican Communion for having brought to my attention the disobedience inherent in lawns consisting of more than one type of grass, and as I write this Bishop Quinine and Brother Richthofen are preparing to roam the neighborhood armed with large bottles of Roundup and letters claiming they’re members of the local Assemblies of God should any disgruntled gardeners happen to catch them in the course of their ministry.
Indeed: I’m particularly proud of the way our church is starting off the year by embracing yet another group of malcontented Conservative Anglican renegades, and I urge all of you to follow our divisive example and visit the Most Reverend and Right Honourable Phineas Angus Rody (True Archbisbishop of Canterbury) to support his marvelous new ministry of discordance.
While you’re at it, please also accept my wishes that you and all whom you hold dear (or at any rate, whom you hold) have a blessed, healthy and prosperous New Year. What’s more, may you further grow in wisdom as throughout the coming year you continue coming here to “honour the face of the old man” (Leviticus 19:32). And may all your steps be taken with care lest someone from Inland Revenue be guided by Satan to thwart your progress.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.