Friday, January 2, 2009

Another Year, Another Schism (Best Wishes to Everyone)

Godless Sinners hoping for salvation around the globe will be delighted to learn that after a week of deep spiritual meditation (aka “blind alcohol-induced daze”) I am indeed now back for another year’s important service as the World’s Greatest Bible Teacher and Doctrinal Warrior. What’s more I’m delighted to announce that here at St. Onuphrius’ we’re celebrating the New Year in a truly GAFCON way – by aligning ourselves with yet another Anglican schism.

That’s right: just when you thought the Communion couldn’t possibly spit any further comes the greatest breakaway of the all: The True Anglican Communion. A shining example of the Church’s future, TAC combines Biblical Literalism with shoddy theology, bigotry, misogyny and sheer stupidity in a way that many in the fight for Anglicanism have only dreamed of achieving.

Granted, I’m going to have to be a little circumspect in my support for their Biblical treatment of women during certain times of the month, since Consuella has informed in no uncertain terms that if I try enforcing TAC’s Scripture-based injunction that “she shall be put apart seven days” she’ll see to it that I’m kicked so hard in the place that the KJV so tastefully describes as “the stones” that according to TAC exegesis I’ll have to forget about my own vocation, but fortunately there’s a wealth of other material on which to base a campaign against my fellow Anglicans.

I’m particularly grateful to The True Anglican Communion for having brought to my attention the disobedience inherent in lawns consisting of more than one type of grass, and as I write this Bishop Quinine and Brother Richthofen are preparing to roam the neighborhood armed with large bottles of Roundup and letters claiming they’re members of the local Assemblies of God should any disgruntled gardeners happen to catch them in the course of their ministry.

Indeed: I’m particularly proud of the way our church is starting off the year by embracing yet another group of malcontented Conservative Anglican renegades, and I urge all of you to follow our divisive example and visit the Most Reverend and Right Honourable Phineas Angus Rody (True Archbisbishop of Canterbury) to support his marvelous new ministry of discordance.

While you’re at it, please also accept my wishes that you and all whom you hold dear (or at any rate, whom you hold) have a blessed, healthy and prosperous New Year. What’s more, may you further grow in wisdom as throughout the coming year you continue coming here to “honour the face of the old man” (Leviticus 19:32). And may all your steps be taken with care lest someone from Inland Revenue be guided by Satan to thwart your progress.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Rick+ said...

Wait... I looked at the True Anglican Communion site. Please, tell me it's a satire, not for real.

Rick+ said...

Actually, I think I like that bit about the separate beds during certain times.

After a more careful reading of the rest of Leviticus, however, I'm dismayed to discover I'm a prime candidate for stoning a number of times over, so sorry about the whole "separate beds" thing... nevermind.

Robert said...

The TAC looks like an organization founded by the Rev. Dr. Christian. It has everything he so loves.

Fred Schwartz said...

Dr. Christian,
I am truly struck by ++PARody. Clearly he is on a new TACk and will port his vessel any day now. Where that may be is still up - in the air that is - but based on the current Leviticus publication we know where it won't be. And finally, if you have your guys out doing a Roundup better keep a close eye on them especially during these long and cold nights.
I will of course continue to keep an eye on the True Anglican Communion but I did find Pope Pius XIII to be more than lucid.

I am looking forward to this new year with great anticipation.

+clumber said...

Brilliant, Father Christian!

Let me know if they are going to accept the innovation of Canine and Feline Bishops! I should be quite happy to lend a paw of support to P. A Rody! The good news to me is that apparently Leviticus is filled with bi-ped rules with nary a one for canines! Then again, our paws are not well designed by the Big Engineer Up Above to pick up and hurl stones upon sinners.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Alas I can claim no credit for the TAC's foundation, although it is indeed entirely in keeping with my character to do so at some point in the future, and have no hesitation in claiming ++P.A.Rody as a dear personal friend.

+Clumber: You may lack the ability to throw rocks at sinners, but I can find little textual objection to running them down and biting them, nor against grabbing them by the throat and shaking them - both methods of rebuking the godless at which your species excels. As for feline prelates: sneaking up, pouncing upon them and using one's claws is equally admirable, and throwing them in the air and playing with them is an activity us bipeds can only dream of enjoying.

Anonymous said...

The True Anglican Communion, oh yes, I feel the innermost pull´s just one of those almost too good to be true timely/betraying religious fellowships...Pope Pius the XIII is so far more attractive than that horrid looking earlier Pius of my childhood (even though I´m certain the liter will be reintroduced for hauling him here and about during sacred mixups and gas shortages)...they´ve built a huge GIGANTE SCULPTURE of the XII that looms up at St. Peters in the nave...I almost screamed out when I saw it as he has his head tossed over his shoulder ever so me the creeps, still and he´s so near the glass coffin of that very nice John XXIII, oh how those people go on and on overdoing stuff.

Марко Фризия said...

Father Christian, Is it true that Anglicans in TAC will be divided into Biblically oriented sub-groups: "him that pisseth against the wall" versus those who squat to do the job?

MadPriest said...

I notice they conveniently fail to mention "The Homilies," one of which to be read aloud, in full, every Sunday. Bunch of namby pamby revisionists, if you ask me.

Doorman-Priest said...

"TAC combines Biblical Literalism with shoddy theology, bigotry, misogyny and sheer stupidity in a way that many in the fight for Anglicanism have only dreamed of achieving."

What's not to love?

Jim said...


Nope, these people actually exist.

This leads to a restatement of jimB' first ethical law: there is no limit to human stupidity.


susan s. said...

Fr. Troll, I know this is a bit off topic, but it is about reading Leviticus carefully. I clicked on your link to the bible verses and felt moved to actually read the whole 19th chapter of Leviticus.

I only got to Verse 6 before the use of the wrong word stopped me cold.
"6 It shall be eaten the same day ye offer it, and on the morrow: and if "ought" remain until the third day, it shall be burnt in the fire."
Perhaps I am being picky, but ought that word be "aught," meaning 'if any' remain? Otherwise the verse makes no sense whatsoever. I am puzzled by this obvious mistake. Did God actually mean to make no sense, or have I completely misinterpreted the verse?

What should I do with the 'leftovers' so to speak, of my burnt offerings?

And since this is, to my mind at least, a mistake, how can I continue to read this book, or indeed any of the Bible, and be sure that this will not reoccur, resulting in my being lead down the wrong path?

Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Fr. Christian,

I am an avid reader of your blog and I fervently follow all your embedded links to other sources of great wisdom. Today I went to The True Anglican website and was astonished at all the wisdom contained therein. But what really caught my eye was the link to the TRUE CATHOLIC CHURCH. My,my, haven't they progressed. They have their own true anti-Pope Pius VIII. I remember from my studies in Medieval history reading about the competing popes - three at one time! Now I understand where Duncan and company are moving. I greatly rejoice that the true way is coming to fruition. Praise be to @&%$#.

MadPriest said...

Susan s
I am not a Biblical scholar, as all biblical scholars in my country have mysteriously disappeared (something to do with the Covenant Process), but I am wondering, being close to the soil, so to speak, if "ought" is a archaic spelling of the colloquial word "owt." As in "Is there owt left in the pot, mother?"

susan s. said...

Well, MadPriest, my Google dictionary says that ought is an archaic spelling of aught. I never heard of owt, but then I did not grow up in the old country. It is fun to think about these things, but as I said earlier, distressing to think that God could not spell correctly, thereby possibly changing the meaning of such an important part of the recipe of burnt offerings.

Anonymous said...

You know, despite my atheist self, I'm finding components of this church rather compelling....


Phineas Angus Rody said...

Dear Father Christian

I have been travelling recently slowly around the communion, but have now been blessed with a moment to contact you.

I too have no hesitation in also claiming you as a dear personal friend. I am delighted you are aligning yourself with TAC. If you can come to some biblically-faithful arrangement with Consuella, from what I know of you, I would be interested in our meeting to offer you the oversight of the Province of the Northern Hyperboloid. We cannot, as yet, afford flying bishops, but we should be able to manage train-and-bussing bishops.

Bishop Quinine and Brother Richthofen also sound like true men of God. Currently I have two priorities: complete our canons and constitution, and have lots of bishops. There are vacancies for oversight of the Province of the Eastern Ellipsoid, and the Western Paraboloid. These are, of course, missionary positions – but these holy men clearly have the evangelical zeal for such a venture.

Thank you Mad Priest for your question about the homilies. Of course they are a requirement – that was just taken for granted! Марко Фризия: the Bible is quite unambiguous. Real men piss standing up! ( There will be no splitting in TAC about this. Those who think differently can join any other TLA. As for the nonsense spouted by Anonymous – your inability to distinguish “VIII” from “XIII” means it is not surprising that you call Pius XIII an “anti-pope”. Clearly he is not! Gregory XVII, Peter II, Linus II, and Benedict XVI are to be so termed. Pius XIII is the true pope; Rowan Williams stands in a similar relationship to me, as those in the former sentence stand to Pius XIII.

I have ordered the update of, our communion’s website to incorporate the positive developments in relationship with yourself.

I am asking the sympathetic to help develop a liturgy of the eighth day of a woman’s issue in her flesh of blood which will fit with our accepted 1549/52 authorised BCP rites. You may be interested in also developing such a rite (in consultation with Consuella) – if so, please don’t forget to incorporate the two turtles, or two young pigeons.

Now I must rush to do some Churchings of Women.

++PA Rody