Saturday, January 3, 2009

J. Mark Brewer – Last Year’s Man

Choosing Mr. GAFCON 2008 hasn’t been an easy task, given that pompous self-righteousness hasn’t been this popular since Boniface VIII proclaimed that it “is absolutely necessary for salvation that every human creature be subject to the Roman pontiff.”

Yet one man has clearly stood apart from the crowd, making him the obvious choice. No, he’s not an Anglican, but that didn’t stop countless others from attaining GAFCON distinction in 2008 (just look at Archbishop Jensen). Nor is he even a clergyman (ditto, and add little John-David Schofield), and despite his protestations to the contrary he’s certainly not a Christian book-seller (just as any former SPCK employee), but there’s no denying J. Mark Brewer has during the past year plumbed new depths when it comes to applying GAFCON ethics to everyday life.

Not only did Mark manage to embrace financial ruin at least six months ahead of the rest of the world, but in managing to extract at least £750,000 in management charges from the murdered SPCK cadaver displayed an initiative worthy of one of 2008’s other brightest stars, Bernie Madoff.

Yet Mr. Brewer’s financial acumen is only the start of a long list of reasons he is so worthy of accolade. Not only did he display the compassion and restraint of such a luminary as L. Ron Hubbard in the zeal with which he threatened action against those questioning his right to do what ever the hell he wanted to, nor only did he display the charming narcissism of an Akinola or a Duncan in asking – on the eve of a former employee’s memorial service – if those hurt by what the Brewer’s had done to SPCK were “feeling elated”, but he even showed no qualms about misleading the court in the course of attempting to wriggle out of paying such irritating trivialities as staff entitlements.

No, 2008 proved J. Mark Brewer almost as great a Christian minister as he is bankruptcy lawyer, and the fact that a United States Bankruptcy Judge ordered him to undergo further training (including a course in ethical behaviour) should in now way be construed as an indication of anything tantamount to incompetence or dishonesty in Mark’s character. Just ask Houston voters about his integrity back in 2000 - and this was before St. Stephen the Great gave him a vision for asset stripping ministering through English religious bookshops.

There’s no doubt we’ll see a great deal more of J. Mark Brewer on the internet in the coming year, even if he is wearing an orange jumpsuit and advertising for pen-pals (”Hi: my hobbies include sending SLAPP suits, defrauding the UK Commissioner of Charities, and claiming I’m being persecuted by bloggers.)” For those who can’t wait until then to hear more from Mr. GAFCON 2008, however, this site is always good for the latest details concerning our hero.

Otherwise, if you're really eager to draw nearer to the brains behind the SPCK fiasco, I’m proud to present the ultimate opportunity: Mark’s firm Brewer & Pritchard are currently recruiting, and online applications are being accepted here. Clearly having little or no understanding of the law is no drawback, and this coming Sunday I’ll be encouraging my entire congregation to apply. In fact, since the application invites candidates to send a sample of their writing, I may well even have a shot myself. Does everyone think this post will be sufficient? I’ve always fancied my self as a lawyer ever since seeing those unisex toilets in Ally McBeal.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

8 comments :

Matt Wardman said...

Father

Thanks for the further link.

There is enough about JMB to suggest that he may make 2009 as well, but Brother Phil may offer stiff competition.

Matt

Doorman-Priest said...

You'll get a writ.

Pilgrim said...

Just give him an ASBO: it's easier.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

A writ, D-P??
I don't think that's too likely: Pope Boniface VIII died in 1303.

Two Cents said...

My Lord and Father - I returned from my "assisted" contemplative Christmas retreat and all reports, fueled by the still eye watering smell of urine in my meditative chamber, indicate I was exceedingly successful in achieving my goals. It was my hope that I would drink myself into another universe, one where the likes of JMB are but a dream, but when I awoke and read your post, well, I was a little disappointed. I know I must try harder next year.
By the way - during one of my "visions" I do recall having a conversation with someone who looked like Jesus, but he might have been a resident of a Toronto alley I am reported to have been found in at one point - I am still piecing things together. At any rate, he asked me to tell you to keep up the good work.
Happy New Year to all.

Fr Craig said...

Fr Christian - I know you are busy with Pre-Lenten preparations, but we miss you!

Two Cents said...

Fasha ! Can you hear me??? We need your wisdom. Please come back from Hawaii early to lead your flock...

Anonymous said...

Bless me father for I have sinned.

I read some of the more salacious writings recommended on Third Space Books - after all, Father, I am interested in Orthodox Theology - and I no longer need to order Viagra from these e-mails I keep getting. All those lovely naked girls, interesting sexual positions and wonderful erotic stories have had an incredible result on my sex life. And I've given up saying the Jesus Prayer, I'm just too excited all the time, thanks to this wonderfully fleshly holy mission of St Stephen the Great.