During yesterday’s parish staff meeting, at some point on the agenda between the Chablis and a particularly memorable Shiraz, Evangelical Eric brought to everyone’s attention an article titled Freedom from Homosexuality. It appears that our foolish Curate has grown concerned about the number of “those sort of men” attending St. Onuphrius’, and wishes to introduce the “ex-Gay” ministry promoted within the effluvious advertorial he chanced upon while searching for whatever it is that odious evangelicals look for when accessing the internet.
My initial reaction was to question the profitability of such a venture. I don’t believe St. Onuphrius’ has any more potential victims for this sort of program than anywhere else: certainly just over one in every ten of our men is unmarried and dances extraordinarily well, our monthly Barbra Streisand evenings are always popular, and nobody here ever has to look far to find professional advice when it comes to personal grooming and interior decoration, but in my experience that’s nothing out of the ordinary in any Anglican congregation. As far as I can see it’s certainly not as if we’re Nashotah House or anything when it comes to having a high percentage of gentlemen with alternate inclinations.
Brother Richthofen, on the other hand, opposed the proposal on other rather curious grounds: he felt ministries like this one are inherently exploitive and unethical, and can play no part in a genuinely Christian parish program. Naturally I disagreed with him; being exploitive and unethical is at the very core of the GAFCON movement – just ask little Greg Venables. Furthermore I’ve always been of the opinion that “gay conversion counseling” is no less ethical than transplanting hair, multi-level marketing herbal slimming products, or selling Florida swamp-land to gullible retirees.
In the end Bishop Quinine decided the matter for us. Reading the article closely he noticed the author’s name. Evangelical Eric called us immature, but the rest of us found the notion of an ex-Gay conversion scam being shilled by someone called Charlie Butts simply too funny for the meeting to continue. Brother Richthofen called his friends from Seminary, Consuella's Pole-Dancers Fellowship joined us, and together we’re still all partying in celebration of being by Grace the people whom God made us to be. Life is too precious to waste it trying to force people to become things they’re not, especially when you come from a family of butts.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.