Friday, January 23, 2009

Who needs an ex-cheerful ministry anyway?

During yesterday’s parish staff meeting, at some point on the agenda between the Chablis and a particularly memorable Shiraz, Evangelical Eric brought to everyone’s attention an article titled Freedom from Homosexuality. It appears that our foolish Curate has grown concerned about the number of “those sort of men” attending St. Onuphrius’, and wishes to introduce the “ex-Gay” ministry promoted within the effluvious advertorial he chanced upon while searching for whatever it is that odious evangelicals look for when accessing the internet.

My initial reaction was to question the profitability of such a venture. I don’t believe St. Onuphrius’ has any more potential victims for this sort of program than anywhere else: certainly just over one in every ten of our men is unmarried and dances extraordinarily well, our monthly Barbra Streisand evenings are always popular, and nobody here ever has to look far to find professional advice when it comes to personal grooming and interior decoration, but in my experience that’s nothing out of the ordinary in any Anglican congregation. As far as I can see it’s certainly not as if we’re Nashotah House or anything when it comes to having a high percentage of gentlemen with alternate inclinations.

Brother Richthofen, on the other hand, opposed the proposal on other rather curious grounds: he felt ministries like this one are inherently exploitive and unethical, and can play no part in a genuinely Christian parish program. Naturally I disagreed with him; being exploitive and unethical is at the very core of the GAFCON movement – just ask little Greg Venables. Furthermore I’ve always been of the opinion that “gay conversion counseling” is no less ethical than transplanting hair, multi-level marketing herbal slimming products, or selling Florida swamp-land to gullible retirees.

In the end Bishop Quinine decided the matter for us. Reading the article closely he noticed the author’s name. Evangelical Eric called us immature, but the rest of us found the notion of an ex-Gay conversion scam being shilled by someone called Charlie Butts simply too funny for the meeting to continue. Brother Richthofen called his friends from Seminary, Consuella's Pole-Dancers Fellowship joined us, and together we’re still all partying in celebration of being by Grace the people whom God made us to be. Life is too precious to waste it trying to force people to become things they’re not, especially when you come from a family of butts.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

5 comments :

Alan Rogers said...

I've got a novel idea. Before folks start new versions of this sort of thing, they should research what happened to the ones we had around 30 years ago. Have there been significant numbers of former clients who have stayed "straight?" I doubt it, since the people leading these groups have returned to gayness in large percentage, or disappeared altogether.
It's just like the bible says, Father; there is nothing new under the sun.

Two Cents said...

I propose an alternate longitudinal "study". Lets provide straight people with counselling to see if we can make them gay and compare that to past efforts to do the opposite for, or to, gays. Most conversions wins the pot of gold.

Grandmère Mimi said...

Fr Christian, such wisdom as you continue to exhibit is rare and amazing.

...the notion of an ex-Gay conversion scam being shilled by someone called Charlie Butts simply too funny for the meeting to continue.

Indeed!

Lapinbizarre said...

"...it’s certainly not as if we’re Nashotah House or anything when it comes to having a high percentage of gentlemen with alternate inclinations."

Many thanks for the laugh.

Robert said...

I really love the idea of an ex-straight center where we can turn all those frustrated straight people gay and give them true freedom and a taste of their own medicine.