Monday, January 19, 2009

Concerning a non-existent "mistake...

It seems that in yesterday’s homily there may have been an apparent discrepancy of absolutely no consequence, which a few (probably apostate) readers noticed and felt compelled to draw to my attention.

Naturally I already knew about this possibly factual incongruity long before they mentioned it, and any clarification which may have been made subsequent to my reading their comments was entirely unrelated to any potential numerical divergence which they might have falsely believed they were drawing to my attention.

None of which is to say that I am so perfect that I never make mistakes, or am entirely without errors. Infallibility is a wicked papal superstition with which can play no part in the faith of genuine Bible-believing Christians: rather it is simply that as the World’s most anointed Doctrine Warrior I am never wrong. Indeed, here at St. Onuphrius’ I encourage people to speak up if I make any perceived mistakes: it’s a fine way to tell if someone’s paying attention, as well as making it decisively clear which parishioners need to be publically humiliated in the coming month’s preaching schedule.

In this instance the issue in question was a mere triviality - in what was clearly a minor typographical blemish the Pure, Self-Righteous & Schismatic Diocese of Pittsburgh was listed as actually having managed to steal 56 parishes out of a claimed 64, when everyone not home-schooled by evangelicals knows that 64 less 18 is actually 46. As those of you not destined for the fires of hell will know full well, the factual intention of my words was perfectly clear irrespective of any petty calculative inconsistency. Although you will have to agree that 46 out of 70 makes things look even worse for little Bobby and his team of yes-men.

In fact the more I dwell upon this trifling digital divergence the more it it illustrates the purity of my own dear heart’s faithfulness to GAFCON principles. “Never let the truth get in the way of presenting your self-certainty as more successful than everyone else’s doubts, struggles and yearnings” – if that’s doesn’t summarize everything this schism is fighting for then I don’t know what does. Next time I’m asked how many parishes have gone with ±Duncan you can forget about any nit-picking: I’m simply going to say “all of them”. Just like I'm sure he does, or how Big Pete says Nigeria is a land rich in the fruits of Christian faithfulness, Layman Schofield says sexuality is a choice, and little Pete says his congregations are growing.*

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

(*Not to mention Fr. Mass Progeny's hilarious claim that his tail-whipping was "a blessed answer to prayer" - who needs tequila and nitrous oxide when that one-liner is doing the rounds! :-)

4 comments :

Fred Schwartz said...

I for one am appalled that someone would do that to you, after all, your mathematics are second to none. As with all creationists, I believed you were simply creating an alternative math program that would eventually "take over" the entire system of apostate mathematics found in the Episcopal Church in the United States.

MadPriest said...

Christ was the Word made flesh, not the Number made flesh.

This means that mathematics is an excretion of the devil. Your deliberate disregard for its false premises is yet another example of your obvious (and I know you're not going to like this word but it is the only one that truly fits) SAINTLINESS. Once again your living example of true discipleship has saved many from the flames of hell.

Doorman-Priest said...

"I wondered who'd spot that deliberate mistake." Capt. Mainwairing of Dad's Army.

You're probably all too young.

Robert said...

Well of course I'm too young DP! :)