Friday, January 16, 2009

The Disgrace of Binghamton

If the truth be told, my dear wicked sinners, these past few weeks have seen me rendered speechless with shock at events in the little god-fearing (as opposed to almighty god-fearing) parish of the Good Shepherd in Binghamton, New York. Not of course, that I was in any way disturbed by the court failing to sanction an attempt by a few deluded Donatists to steal diocesan property; even Fr. Matt Kennedy couldn’t have been stupid enough to think they had a snowflake’s chance in that place where just about everyone except myself will be spending eternity of winning that one.

No, the cause of my distress is in a statement released by the leadership of the parish, which not only shamelessly claims God has answered our prayers but also attempts to dismiss the rout by theologizing we must remember what we know about God, what He has revealed about His character”!

For the life of me, I can’t believe this nonsense was penned by little Mass Progeny, since with a full six years of ministry experience under his belt he obviously knows everything that can be known about ministry and the scriptures, and could never come with anything as foolish as this. Consequently I can only draw the unhappy conclusion that the document is the work of laypersons of the same competence as the former parish lawyers, possibly working under the influence of some spell conjured up by Hostilium.

Firstly, every orthodox Gafconeer knows that when faced with a setback one must always respond with an attack. Never admit that God’s answered your prayers by whacking you across the face as hard as He possibly can: the proper response for a man of little Matt’s stature is to blame everything on the Bishop of New Hampshire. Nor should any belligerent Bible-believer ever concede that a major setback (let alone a complete squashing) reveals anything about God’s character: doing that could well lead people to draw the obvious conclusion that, like everyone else, God thinks you’re whiny homophobic bigot hell-bent on re-establishing Pharisaism as a major religious movement, and has decided to do something about you before things get too out of hand.

Honestly, with this kind of leadership I truly despair for the future of the schism. Just when there was a marvelous opportunity to blame everyone from +Robinson to +Tutu for the rise of liberalism and decline of good old-fashioned court-sanctioned property theft, the shining star of Viagraville turned and gave the forces of reason and accountability a free kick. Why – this could’ve even been held up as an example of the moral decay that has resulted in Obama’s election: what can be happening when the courts no longer side with a few self-appointed custodians of public sexuality trying to snare a paltry $600,000 and a few buildings? Yet after spinning so much wonderful hyperbole in the past, North America’s leading religious passive-aggressives have gone and let us all down by meekly letting slip the truth that what God really wants is for Anglican schismatics to just quietly shut up, stop trying to take what doesn't belong to them, and go off to do things their own way, with their own money. If this kind of behaviour catches on we’re all really in trouble.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Kirkepiscatoid said...

Hmmm. Dear Father, you have given me a new way to handle frustration. One of my dogs pooped on the rug last night while I was asleep. I am going to blame the Bishop of New Hampshire for it. Makes perfectly good sense to me!

Cany said...

Kirk, dear, feed the dogs earlier and let them out later. Something we TEC types, in dealing with the schiz types, should know by now.

And Father Christian, I have to say, I think you let the Gaf types off too easily. But I did seriously enjoy the swing set inclusion in one of the links.

Frankly, anyone in that weather taking out a swing set has to be loony to start with.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

I've long suspected Hostilium is secretly something of a swinger.

Kirkepiscatoid said...

You know the giveaway on that swing comment, don't you? You have to follow the different lines of her blog in Kabbalistic fashion. I bet you will find that she has hidden within the confines of her blog posts a secret message that she finds great doctrinal warriors hot.

david virtue's bountiful bosom said...

Did those people really name their children Aolysius, Romulus, and Elphine?

That's not very orthodox at all.

Robert said...

Thank God you are back Dr. Christian sir. I had feared that some liberals, undoubtedly lead by the Bishop of New Hampshire had kidnapped and were torturing you. Your sagicity is so badly needed by us all.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

"Romulus" suggests to me that someone's been watching too many gladiator movies.

gerry said...

Unless they have been renamed these are not the names used in earlier blogs.

I believe the Kennedy children are Emma, Aedan, Rowan and Gwendolyn in that order. Not common names either, but definitely not Elphine Aloysius or Romulus.

Perhaps she is trying to make them anonymous?

A Binghamton observer of the South Side Follies aka the Disgrace

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

More likely that she traded the children for a more interesting set: perhaps the original ones were beginning to show signs of unspecified heterodoxy.

Or else with so much going on she simply forgot their real names - unless Kirkepiscatoid is right, and Hostilium really is trying to send us some kind of secret message.

Grandmère Mimi said...

Methinks that only this crew could seize upon the frozen swing set and run so far and so fast with it. Such strength and sturdiness are not often to be found.

dorothy said...

Martyrdom is such a subtle profession. The Kennedys seem to have studied their Donatist forebears extensively, if not well.

+clumber said...

Dear Father C,

If two opposing groups both make the claim that God has answered their prayers and there's no federal judge present, who is actually right?

Ever blessed with God's Love and Laughter,

Robert said...

Dearest +Clumber. Of course the side the Rev. Dr. Christian Troll is on would be the right side.