If the truth be told, my dear wicked sinners, these past few weeks have seen me rendered speechless with shock at events in the little god-fearing (as opposed to almighty god-fearing) parish of the Good Shepherd in Binghamton, New York. Not of course, that I was in any way disturbed by the court failing to sanction an attempt by a few deluded Donatists to steal diocesan property; even Fr. Matt Kennedy couldn’t have been stupid enough to think they had a snowflake’s chance in that place where just about everyone except myself will be spending eternity of winning that one.
No, the cause of my distress is in a statement released by the leadership of the parish, which not only shamelessly claims “God has answered our prayers” but also attempts to dismiss the rout by theologizing “we must remember what we know about God, what He has revealed about His character”!
For the life of me, I can’t believe this nonsense was penned by little Mass Progeny, since with a full six years of ministry experience under his belt he obviously knows everything that can be known about ministry and the scriptures, and could never come with anything as foolish as this. Consequently I can only draw the unhappy conclusion that the document is the work of laypersons of the same competence as the former parish lawyers, possibly working under the influence of some spell conjured up by Hostilium.
Firstly, every orthodox Gafconeer knows that when faced with a setback one must always respond with an attack. Never admit that God’s answered your prayers by whacking you across the face as hard as He possibly can: the proper response for a man of little Matt’s stature is to blame everything on the Bishop of New Hampshire. Nor should any belligerent Bible-believer ever concede that a major setback (let alone a complete squashing) reveals anything about God’s character: doing that could well lead people to draw the obvious conclusion that, like everyone else, God thinks you’re whiny homophobic bigot hell-bent on re-establishing Pharisaism as a major religious movement, and has decided to do something about you before things get too out of hand.
Honestly, with this kind of leadership I truly despair for the future of the schism. Just when there was a marvelous opportunity to blame everyone from +Robinson to +Tutu for the rise of liberalism and decline of good old-fashioned court-sanctioned property theft, the shining star of Viagraville turned and gave the forces of reason and accountability a free kick. Why – this could’ve even been held up as an example of the moral decay that has resulted in Obama’s election: what can be happening when the courts no longer side with a few self-appointed custodians of public sexuality trying to snare a paltry $600,000 and a few buildings? Yet after spinning so much wonderful hyperbole in the past, North America’s leading religious passive-aggressives have gone and let us all down by meekly letting slip the truth that what God really wants is for Anglican schismatics to just quietly shut up, stop trying to take what doesn't belong to them, and go off to do things their own way, with their own money. If this kind of behaviour catches on we’re all really in trouble.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.