Friday, June 12, 2009

Stand Firm Meet-Up in Bedford

Over at Viagraville they’re planning a little soiree as a pleasant interlude in the upcoming ACNA assembly, which I think sounds a fabulous idea. Honestly, what could be more enjoyable than sharing cocktails with the lithe Matt Kennedy and his gang? If the thought of little Sarah Hey or the cuddly-but-firm Greg Griffiths seductively twirling their miniature parasols and whining about how unfairly little Don Armstrong has been treated doesn’t send shivers down your spine then I’m afraid it’ll take more than just Viagra to get your juices flowing.

Unfortunately the Viagravillains aren’t too good when it comes to organizational details, and it appears their thread has devolved (that’s a first) into an inconclusive discussion about where to go, and how difficult it is working out split bills (here’s a tip cheapskates: count how many people you’ve got, divide the total bill by that amount, and round up the result so your long-suffering waitress gets a decent tip. If you’re a big eater throw in an extra $10 at the start, and if you’re not find more important things in life to worry about than being stingy: maybe try rejoicing that you’ll probably outlive most of us).

Anyway, I’ve decided to take things into my own hands and organize things for them. The best time for the meet-up will be Tuesday, June 23rd, when here is a 3-hour break beginning at 4:30pm, so we now have a booking for then in the name of “Hostillium” at ”Hooters” in North Richland. About five miles from St. Vincent's Cathedral (see maps) it should be far enough from the nosier delegates for even some of the most lemon-faced regulars (yes Mari, I do mean you) to be able to let their hair down, and to simplify matters I’ve arranged for the “Frat-Boy Feast” special: a bowl of soggy fries, a few stringy chicken wings and all the kegs we can drink. I predict even the Calvinists will enjoy themselves, and goodness knows they look like they need the chance.

Finally, as a special treat for all of you, my dear wicked sinners, whom I know can often feel a little intimidated by your weaker Viagravillain siblings, I’d like to invite you to join us as guests of St. Onuphrius’. Although strictly speaking it’s not my parish who’ll be paying, since one of Brother Richthofen’s friends from seminary has hacked the ACNA registration pages, giving us a marvelous list of attendee’s credit card details. Consequently once you arrive just make yourself known to either myself or Bishop Quinine (he’ll be easy to recognize – he’s going to be experimenting with a camera on a stick he’s developed specifically for the purpose of the historic assembly, so just look for any gentlemen wearing shorts and he’s bound to be lurking nearby) and we’ll allocate you your new identity for the evening. Don’t worry: there’s no way any of the righteous men those card numbers belong to will ever raise a quibble about a tab from Hooers appearing on their account. You’d better believe they’ll just pay up and keep it all hidden. Along with all the other stuff their self-righteous alter-egos get up to while they’re in Texas playing at being church fathers, and far, far away from Martha, Mildred and Daphne...

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Kirkepiscatoid said...

That crowd? Round up the bill and split it X ways? That would be too inclusive. The picky eaters would feel like they were condoning the gluttons, the non-drinkers would be letting the drinkers live in sin...that is just so NON-Viagravillian...

Anonymous said...

Oh, to be one of the HOOTERSTAFFERS...I guess I´m a little ¨overly stacked and abundant¨ for current engagements but, oh how fun it would be.

I once had a roomie who was Manager of the local PlayBoy Club...the seamstress was OUR friend and she *did things* to make ALL the beauties more beautious and alluring in costume! She knew miracle sewing stitches here and thar and, good old boy, did it ever work. Maybe, he and she are both alive. I´ll find em and fly em to Texas and they can work me over in some Motel until I can wedge myself into a Hooters by ¨Sombra de Ojos¨ complete with a 120 full color eyeshadow kit.

Wouldn´t it be fun to dispense drinkywinkies to those little stone prickies and see if we can finally get a bonafide rise out them?

The Reverenda Evangeliza Ole´Fitz

Lapinbizarre said...

Don't believe that either Matt Kennedy or Sarah Hey has nailed Don Armstrong's colors to their masthead. I've seen both advise some of their more excitable followers to cool it and wait to see how things play out.

Ms Brewski, by contrast, sternly "warned" me, when I was ill-bred enough to ask Armstrong, who was blogging live and fierce one evening, a tactless but highly pertinent question about Bowton Trust expenditures.

Leonard said...

Oh but where oh where is Marty Minns and Archbishop Grab, Slur and Run? Are they maintaining a lower profile in the crime department since Nigerian Senate President ¨suggested¨ they start adhering to ¨practicing what they preach¨? Such sick stuff, you couldn´t make it up, almost Biblical...oy vey, vulnerable human +beings+ on naked display!