Tuesday, September 15, 2009

CANA Announces New Lord and Saviour!

All eyes and ears (but absolutely no other body parts) are currently on Umuahia, where big Pete Akinola’s anointed successor has just been announced. That’s right, my Dearly Beloved Sinners; the primate universally known as “Mr. Modesty really has agreed to hand over the big bed in Abuja (now there’s one wet patch you wouldn’t have thought many folks would be eager to roll in) has agreed to step down and shuffle off into wherever it is disagreeable schismatics go after they’ve reached their use-by date.

In a personal phone call made as soon as the decision was announced, little Martym Minns told me (ok, that’s not really true, but if Viagraville can cut and paste CANA press releases in such a way as to make it look like they’re better connected than they really are so can I) the successor is to be little Archbishop Nicholas Okoh. Breathless with excitement, little Martyn boasted of his “personal friendship” with his new boss – a relationship which should make putting words in his mouth considerably easier, albeit not more convincing.

Prior to receiving his Vocation, the new man with the funniest hat was a Lieutenant Colonel in the Nigeria Army, where he gained a firm understanding of non-violent conflict resolution and negotiation. Indeed, Okoh has extensive experience in an institution with a proud legacy of peacefully protecting Nigerian civilians in the face of pressure from foreign oil-producers to put their interests first. Just ask the people of Biafra how blessed they were by the Nigerian military’s Christian witness, and there can be no doubt a foundation in this noble institution prepared the way for his subsequent roles as Chairman of the Nigeria Christian Pilgrims and GAFCON Theological Resource Group.

No, I’m sure we can all look forward to hearing lots more from little Nicky Okoh, some of which may even be in his own words. Just remember to never ask him what he did in the war.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Anonymous said...

Thank you, Father, for this breath-taking news to fill all GAFCONers with joy. Colonel Nicky follows in the footsteps of those other great Leaders Nicky Gumboil and Nicky Kruschev. The latter ruled the Soviet Union with terror and an iron fist. It is good to know that our Nigerian friends in CANA are to be under the episcopal jackboot, and that Christian terror is to be maintained in our Communion.

Lifting the Rock said...

Spare a thought for poor Marty. I did my best to get him sent to the 'home country'. I do hope he's not toooo disappointed, bless him.