Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Five Reasons Health Reform is Evil.

Up until now I’ve been content to let my weaker brethren rant against President Obama’s health-care reforms, while I’ve been covertly fighting by spreading wild rumours behind the scenes. Unfortunately Newsweek has exposed my five most creative falsehoods, leaving me with no alternative but to lay my cards on the table and plainly state why Conservative Christians must oppose the idea that everyone - rich or poor - is entitled to the very best of medical care.

  1. Affordable care encourages preventative medicine.
    The earlier anything serious is diagnosed the higher the probability it can be successfully treated. Meaning the patient is more likely to enjoy a lengthy (& expensive) retirement, instead of dying early and leaving a large bequest to one’s Church and Ministry.

  2. A High Infant Mortality Rate is Biblical.
    The Bible features a number of instances when multitudes of babies die needlessly; see for example Exodus 12:29-30 or Matthew 2:16. This is why godless nations like Cuba have a lower infant mortality rate than America, whose rank of 29th in the world (alongside Slovakia and Poland) is a reflection of the influence Scripture has played in the development of national priorities. Besides, we’re not talking about foetuses, so it really doesn't matter if a few thousand little ones are lost every year as a result of failing to receive any medical care more sophisticated than a couple of aspirin and a jar of home-brewed gripe-water.

  3. Incompetent Doctors are Generous Givers.
    The more controls and accountability placed upon the medical profession the harder it becomes for incompetent and unconscionable doctors to make serious money. Such ‘professionals’ are often desperate for the respectability that comes by associating with prominent clergy, and can be among a Gafconeer’s biggest donors. The more scurrilous will even pay a referral fee in return for directing hypochondriac parishioners their way: our Rectory swimming pool and spa was entirely paid for by my convincing a number of elderly Rotarians (and most of the Minister’s Fraternal) that they needed monkey-gland implants. Cap medical expenditure and you can kiss these sort of benefits good-bye.

  4. Poor people don’t matter.
    If God wanted us to worry about the worthless Jesus would have mentioned them. If Biblical Christians were supposed to care whether or not the financially unattractive receive first-world medical attention the Gospels would call us to display compassion for those less fortunate than ourselves. Instead Christ concentrated upon condemning homosexuality and women's ordination.

  5. Look at Canada.
    They don’t have any old people there, because the socialist medical system puts them all to death. Same as in Great Britain, France, Germany and pretty much everywhere else in Europe, as well as Australia, New Zealand, Israel and Ireland. It’s also a fact that any child in scraping their knee or elbow in these countries is summarily executed, since the state refuses to bear the cost of giving them a band-aid.

    (Actually I know point #5 is pathetically stupid, but every time I repeat it another idiot believes me, so the temptation to include it here is irresistible.)

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Anonymous said...

Point 5 seems very reasonable to me. Our Lord was a strong believer in Capital Punishment, since He Himself was executed. It would be most cost effective to put more people to sleep. Vetinary surgeons do it all the time.

Josh Indiana said...

Oh Father, I'm so glad for your swimming pool. Bashing Gay people every day is hard work, and fellows like you deserve a place where you can relax and have a cocktail.

Lynn said...

Fr. Christian, it's so refreshing to have these issues addressed in an honest and forthright manner.

Now, if you will excuse me - I'm off to hind the band-aid box from the neighborhood children.

Anonymous said...

Dear Father
Talking of Health Issues: Do you think Prostate Problems should be under medical insurance? I notice on a site run by someone called "Prostate Pete", he is discussing the Greek word "arsenokoites" This sounds terribly painful. Do you think you might give a biblical account of the ailment?

Anonymous said...

Yes, should prostate massage be covered by one's health insurance?