Tuesday, December 15, 2009

A Liberal Conspiracy Exposed & Defeated

My apologies for the past few days’ silence, Dearly Beloved Sinners, but I’ve been away on a crucial diplomatic mission to the peaceful and prosperous nation of Uganda. Mind you, however, it’s not half the place it was when I last visited as a guest of dear old President Amin, but I suppose that’s to be expected, since he did have the other half executed.

Indeed, you’ve probably all read about how I persuaded the Ugandan government to to abandon the just principle of sentencing a tenth of their population to death, and I’ve no doubt you’ve been wondering why a Doctrinal Warrior of my standing has been seeking to subvert such a fine initiative, especially since there’s no denying that if ever a country hasn’t enjoyed its fair share of mindless bloodshed it’s Uganda. So I’ll let you all into a secret which explains why I was compelled to become involved: the proposed legislation was actually a liberal conspiracy!!!!

Now I’ve got to admit that I was also initially skeptical when Brother Richthofen and his friends from seminary told me this, but upon objective Biblically-guided reflection it became clear that they were right. So right, in fact, that I had to heed the call of my young Ministry Team member and his friends to prevent this apostate Trojan-horse from being enshrined in Ugandan jurisprudence.

As they explained, this law would have given legitimate grounds under international law for any Ugandan man with refined taste in cologne and the ability to dance, or any Ugandan woman with sensible shoes, a Subaru and dogs, to obtain refugee status in the western nation of their choice. Whereupon, as everyone knows, the very next thing they would do is head straight to the local Anglican/Episcopalian church and become valued members of the congregation. Thereby further reducing the voting power of congregants prepared to discriminate against potential Bishops and Parish Appointments purely on the grounds of the candidate’s God-given sexuality.

Can you see the implications of this, my Dearly Beloved Sinners? As Bishop Quinine pointed out, a massive influx of handsome Ugandans into our churches would naturally attract newcomers, particularly those seeking something just a little more funky than his own pasty visage. Liberal Western churches would flourish at the expense of Ugandan congregations perishing for want of musicians, choristers, and people capable of arranging the flowers in such a manner as to not invoke unpleasant memories of your great-aunt’s curtains.

No, Brother Richthofen and his friends were right: it was a conspiracy too evil for me to ignore. Not that achieving the eventual outcome was easy: a people raised in the Christian tradition of wanting to exterminate anyone not of their own ethic group aren’t easily shifted when it comes to persuading them to pass up an opportunity to whack someone so clearly different to themselves. And after all, who could be more different to a fundamentalist than someone who just wants to live and love as the person God made them to be?

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Anonymous said...

Good News from Rwanda! This great nation has vast experience of ethnic cleansing and genocide. Perhaps, Father, you will pack your bags again, and encourage our bible-believing Rwandan cousins as they prepare to exterminate all homosexualists!

Wade said...

Good Father, seems you might have checked on the tithing tendencies of these likely refugees before acting precipitously! After all, at times allowances must be made to keep the current accounts healthy.

Point of Order said...

Dr. Christian, I am pleased and grateful that your time away was well spent in uncovering this terrible liberal plot to increase the size of the Kingdom.

Perhaps the health care debate in the US is a conservative ploy to encourage Dear Sinners to spend more time caring for the sick. After all, if the government sees to public welfare, cares for the sick, and gives to those who don't have the basics of living in our society, what will Christians have left to do? What are the consequences for Christian Mission in places like Uganda?

I encourage you to pursue this possibility so that opposition to the over-haul will be more thoroughly grounded in scripture.

Leonard said...

Oh damn. You know. Thee ¨Family¨ is much larger than the other ¨Family¨ (the one with the house that looks like mommie decorated it and picked out their neckties)...I was soooo looking forward, as all really bad sinners were, to the Ugandan ¨influx.¨ I was hoping they would first stop off for ¨welcoming¨ a Bringham Young University before finding their way to more a more civilized reception at Grace Cathedral (plenty of volunteer housing until everyone gets on their feet). I wanted to ¨interview¨...but I can see that Orombi the ¨skirtchaser¨ is on to us (let´s hope he doesn´t opt for the Lesbian ¨cure¨ solution...disgusting pig).

Hasta la vista (or not),

Leonardo Ricardo

Pete said...

Another simply delightful comment!

MadPriest said...

Damn your hide, Sir! I had already redecorated the spare bedroom, an expense I could have done without at this time of the year, when your cross border meddling made the whole exercise a complete waste of time. And who, may I ask, is now going to whip up the costumes for the church pantomime this year?

You are on my hit list, mate. Watch your back!