Monday, January 18, 2010

Archbishop Peter Jensen: Mr. Gaffe-Con 2009

Competition may indeed have been fierce in lesser divisions, but the title of Mr. Gaffe-Con 2009 was never in doubt: nobody in either the apostate liberal Anglican Communion or those glorious sects which comprise its true-but-unrecognized schismatic “provinces” came close to little Pete when it comes to epitomizing the glorious mix of dishonesty, hypocrisy, incompetence, and all-round general nastiness for which Orthodox Biblical Christians have become famous.

Where does one begin when it comes to recounting his achievements of 2009? Do we recall his attempt to cover up what last January was rumored to be a loss of around $50 million of his parishioner’s money? Or do we start later in the year, when the truth finally leaked out that he’d manage to oversee a shortfall of more than three times the figure his house-elves were initially denying – a truly spectacular sum in excess of $160 million - turning the world’s richest diocese into the ecclesiastical equivalent of Arkansas. Except Arkansas’s leaders aren’t as famous for inbreeding and nepotism.

Yet Peter Jensen’s small gambling problem – for which he has never apologized, only spoken of how it made him feel - is only a small aspect of his many triumphs; 2009 also saw little Pete spearhead “Connect 09” - the largest evangelism campaign in Sydney diocesan history. Part of an ambitious “Vision for Growth”, it successfully resulted in a decrease in church attendance. Not that members of the Jensen family considered it a failure, of course: a key aspect of this spectacularly expensive flop involved Archbishop Pete ordering parishes to purchase vast numbers of a little book entitled “The Essential Jesus” (undoubtedly to distinguish Him from the non-essential Jesus they normally serve) for distribution to their unsuspecting neighbors.

“So what?” I can hear Dearly Beloved Sinners ask; “Lots of Bishops recommend material for their parishes to distribute.” Which is true, my Unenlightened Children, but what sets Mr. Gaffe-Con 2009 apart from the average Bishop is this: those booklets weren’t published by the Sydney Diocese, but by a privately owned company called “St. Matthias Press”. And among the directors and major shareholders of that company are… You Guessed It! Members of Little Pete’s family!!!

What was for most Sydney Anglicans a second (albeit much smaller) financial loss was for the fortunate shareholders of this profitable concern a marvelous windfall! Not that they had to worry about losing their jobs as a result of little Pete’s “investment strategies” – among the many names on the list of those laid off, or currently learning how to clean windscreens at traffic lights in preparation for a new career when the grant funding their current position runs out, cannot be found a single “Jensen”.

Such examples of Archbishop Peter Jensen’s genius are endless, and the above are just a few of the many instances cited in the countless emails I received nominating him for this prestigious title. Those of us in North America or Great Britain should heed them well: pay close attention next time you hear an aspiring Jensen groupie like little Matt Kennedy speaking of “Sydney’s bold commitment to Scripture”. After all, Matthew 4:5-6 shows you can always tell a leader by their preparedness to refer to the Scriptures.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Leonard said...

Ah the face of a spewing selective dickster...makes one wonder if favorite pages are stuck together...a deserved Con if there ever was one.


Anonymous said...

Hi Rev,
Love your work!
According to the Matthias Media website none of the Jensens are currently directors of that organisation. Is St Matthias Press a different entity or were they previously directors - at the time they did the Essential Jesus promotion? Can you give us any more info?

Anonymous said...

Matt 6 v.19 ""Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy"
What a worthy winner! Our Lord's prophecy about Mr Jensen is quite amazing. It proves the Infallibility of the Word He wrote.

Point of Order said...

Amazon must be selling the leftover copies of "The Essential Jesus." You know you have a bargain when shipping is 200% of the cost.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

My Dear Brian:
From my understanding Matthias Media is a front company owned by another company called St. Matthias Press: under Australian law Directors don't necessarily need to be shareholders.

I'll pass your comment on to the Dearly Beloved Sinner who sent me this gem (although I expect they'll see your question here) and seek a clearer explanation of the matter: they're in the process of writing a "tell-all" book on the Diocese of Mordor, and will undoubtedly have much more detail. However given the difference in time zones, not to mention the utterly dissolute lifestyle this Sinner leads it may take them a few days to respond.

Otherwise you can send me your details at and I'll pass them on to the relevant troublemaker, who can then contact you privately.

Anonymous said...

And hasn't the Sydney Diocese been kind to the Jensens? Kind of a gold mine!
And that's what happens when you let the Anglican Church League hi-jack a church.

Tobias Stanislas Haller BSG said...

In my humble opinion, the photograph alone should score the Archbishop points. The "Coat and Necktie" chasuble is a stroke of genius, as is the combination toupee-mitre in silver, and Bible-shaped episcopal ring (so handy for looking up forgotten references to vision-impaired clergy in Leviticus). This whole new line of Archepiscopal vestiture -- who pioneered it? Even Pat Robertson might find himself comfortable in vestments like these.

Bruce said...

Tobias stole my comment! I was particularly amused by the facial features. Exegete that, huh?!

Boaz said...

The face says, "Ah ha! I've found it! The verse I'm looking for. Let’s see them argue with this! "

And he's definitely in the Old Testament, his favourite section. said...

Dear fellow sinners and Father Troll

How do people like the Jensens get away with all this? How do they do it?!

Are their congregations made up of complete idiots?

What about legal proceedings?

How can this happen in a mainstream Anglican church? Surely one of the Jensens is accountable to someone (other than God Himself)?


Anonymous said...

Oh the imagination and creativity, one simply has to admire, even bow down in humble acknowledgment of the genius of this man and his talented family. I am simply in awe! One only can wonder. Recently I had occasion to scan the salary of Franklin Graham, (Billy's son and his remuneration for his board work on World Vision and Samaritan's Purse totaling more than a million a year for these "charities", (Cf. Charity Navigator which reviews the tax returns), but Franklin is clearly an amateur.

Anonymous said...

What a peculiar facial expression.

Is someone massaging his prostate?

St. Stewart's Anti-Puritan League said...

As the source of some of Father Christian's material concerning the Jensen's business practices I'll clear up a few things regarding Brian's question.

Although the Matthias Media web site claims they are "a not-for-profit company (incorporated in Australia and limited by guarantee), with a board of directors that oversees all that we do" this isn't true: Australian Securities & Investments Commission records indicate "Matthias Media" is nothing more than a New South Wales (ie state - not federal) registered business name, and not a company at all. Operating one's "ministry" in this way is a common practice among Australian para-church groups and pentecostals; in such cases the "oversight committee" is legally nothing more than an unincorporated association, with all assets the personal property of the person(s) they are supposedly overseeing.

In this instance ownership of the name "Matthias Media" appears (they are not exactly eager when it comes to disclosing details) to rest with another company called "St. Matthias Press", under whose ACN & ABN numbers Matthias Media trade.

The non-executive "directors" listed on the MM site seem to have some nominal pastoral responsibility for the organization's theological direction (as the site suggests) but - as will be clear when we've finally published - the real power and financial control is far from their hands.

For more details even Father Christian will have to wait until everything has been cleared by the lawyers - the Jensens may have have wiped out most of their diocese's assets, but they still have plenty of money left with which to sue if we get anything wrong.

Anonymous said...

Thanks SSAPL.
I look forward to the book.