Thursday, May 6, 2010

Toshiba Customer Service – The New Standard in Evil

Beloved Sinners who have only ever partaken of the Communion wine in moderation will recall that last October I purchased a magnificent new multi-media laptop. Splendid in every detail (except for the fact that it came with an operating system so inherently evil it could make Bishop Spong believe in child witches), I rejoiced in the fact that my Important Ministry Research would in future be blessed by widescreen graphics rendered with such haste that I would scarcely have time to adjust myself, irrespective of how loose fitting my cassock may be.

After a small hiccup in January, when installing the operating system that was allegedly my computer’s idea (in which case, machine, let’s leave the ideas to me in the future, mmkay?) things were running more or less smoothly until one morning about a month ago, when that beautifully panoramic and hygenically-cleaned screen refused to work, plunging the machine into that state which the Scriptures term the “outer darkness”.

Yea verily, there was indeed much wailing and gnashing of teeth, but thankfully Consuella was able to find my receipt and warranty card, and a call to that nest of Satan calling itself Toshiba Customer Service deceived me into believing the device would be repaired free of charge within - at most – one week. While the forked-tongued serpent from Toshiba even promised to arrange for the recalcitrant device to collected by courier at no charge, this would have further delayed proceedings by several days, and as the repair facility is within easy driving distance I instead delivered it myself that morning, arranging to again collect it in person when repaired.

With hindsight I should have foreseen trouble when the impressively robust gentleman at reception said things should take “about 14 days” – naively I queried this 100% increase, but my concerns were dismissed with a muttered cliché about “turnover time varying”, and finding myself without a ready supply of bananas I thought it better to not push the point and risk antagonizing him.

The first week passed, and the office desktop computer struggled valiantly to fill the gap; relieved no doubt to be promoted from its usual role of file-sharing torrent server (the number of Ministry Tools to be found out there is indeed quite impressive – as I dare say Peter Ould well knows). Then another week passed, and I begun receiving cryptic messages advising Toshiba were “awaiting parts”. Then another week passed. Flowers began to bloom, and young boys became men as their voices tremulously began breaking. Maybe I never really had a laptop at all.

Finally I received a message that the accursed implement had been repaired, dispatched and delivered to me. Yesterday.

Rejecting such preterist notions of the parousia, I made a bold stand for Orthodoxy, which was in turn denied by the false prophets of Toshiba, dwelling as they do in a reality a which can only (at best) be described as “alternate”. My prior agreement to collect it in person was discounted as “impossible” on account of the repair facility “being renovated” (if so then the construction work is being undertaken on a purely spiritual level, because a subsequent visit revealed no sign of any such work whatsoever), and further attempts to ascertain something remotely resembling the truth were met with a repeated directive to “contact the delivery company” since the matter “no longer had anything to do with Toshiba”.

By the Grace of God the delivery people proved helpful – the wretched gadget wasn’t sent yesterday at all, but collected the morning after Toshiba had sent their message. And sure enough, late this evening a noble messenger did indeed disturb the Rectory hounds by ringing the bell and delivering a parcel containing my computer. Which does indeed appear to be working, although it was also accompanied by an angry note explaining the full testing procedure could not be undertaken because the password wasn’t supplied. Do I need to mention that Toshiba also returned the large piece of paper I’d given them, upon is written in letters at least 3 inches high “Password: XXX” – the same piece of paper to which I had drawn the attention of the man with whom I’d originally left the accursed contraption?

Next time I’m getting an Apple. Or even just making do with an abacus, a box of crayons and a large writing pad. Anything but buy another Toshiba.


Anonymous said...

You may have made the mistake of buying a computer from an Oriental Nation, Father. "Toshiba" is not an Anglican-sounding name, but sounds somewhat foreign. Some men even choose to marry Oriental women thinking they will be in full working-order. Take Dobby Ould and gay Jensenite, Haydn Sennett. Their wives - like the Three Wise Men - came from the East. Often these subservient women - like your computer- refuse to work properly. At least Peter Ould chose to marry an English women - even if just to prove he's not gay. Perhaps you should try a home-grown computer next time. It might even obey you.

Brother David said...

My iMac was two years out of warranty and Apple arranged to install a new display last year because mine was in a batch of serial numbers that had gotten a bad bunch of displays.

My iMac, my Mac mini, my iPod Nano, the two iPod Touches and the iPhone in this house all say Designed by Apple in Cupertino, CA, USA and Assembled in China. Is that OK Padre Jass?

Anonymous said...

Speaking of broken computers...somone said Fr Ivan Ackeroff's computer got badly damaged in a skirmish. It seems the person responsible has been very reluctant to replace it, causing severe agitation to Fr Ivan. Someone saw him the other day and said he looked a right mess, going on about the evils of Mordor. The poor man! God only knows what he was talking about but that's what happens when a man is treated unfairly. He has literally gone to the dogs! I say let's campaign to have his computer replaced and of course scrutinised to ensure it meets Fr Troll's standards. It will help to save Fr Ivan's sanity and be more cost effective in the long run... just in case his condition deteriorates to a state that is untreatable. And it will help appease the millions of fans who miss his social commentry, humour and love of God. Post - gays aren't the only people who deserve a voice or blog sites. Retribution for something deliberate helps to reduce hostility and begins the process of forgiveness.

I'll have a look for a blank petition. It will only take a couple of lessons to link it up.

Hyper Genie

Anonymous said...

Dear Fr. Christian,

Forgive this completely off-topic request. (But since it is impossible to email your graciousness, I have little choice.)

I was much heartened to see Gene Robinson's open letter to Pope Benedict on clergy sexual abuse.

I was less surprised to see David "God-hates-fags-and-Episcopalians" Virtue's gratuitously nasty response. What is it with these uber-conservative Anglicans? Are they so totally obsessed with homosexuality that they can't even bring themselves to criticize the Arch-Enabler of clerical abuse in Rome?

Then they can't even bring themselves to say "JACK" in support of victims!

Nobody does sexual abuse prevention perfectly, but TEC's is one of the few with real teeth. {For the record the Eastern Orthodox - whom extreme-Anglo-Catholics are always mooning in envy over - do just as bad job in this area as the Romans} E.O's still fly under the radar of media scrutiny.

Conservative Anglican-ecumenical-political correctness or myopic hypocrisy? Help me out here.

Just had to get that off my chest.

Jay - who's disgust with Roman deceit and hypocrisy re: clergy sexual abuse eventually led him to TEC

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

My child - there's never such a thing as off-topic here, and I can always be reached by clicking the "Ask Father Christian" link, which sends email to

As for your questions, I believe the Spirit has already given you the answer: "Are they so totally obsessed with homosexuality... " you ask - to which there is (particularly in little David Virtue's case) only one response - "Yes, they are."

"Conservative Anglican-ecumenical-political correctness or myopic hypocrisy?" Both. Combined with a deeply insecure suspicion other people are getting more than they are. Lots more, and it's driving them mad with jealousy.

BooCat said...

Thank you, Dear Father, for your information about Toshiba. My trusty little Compaq has quite a few years on him and I have been looking around for a future replacement. I had been considering Toshiba since their computers seemed to be loaded with many bells and whistles for a reasonable price. If, however, they tend to fail and then customer service is less than stellar, I will look elsewhere.

wv: grateso

IT said...

One word:


They cost more for a reason--they last, and last, and last.

Brad Evans said...

Will no-one speak up for Dell?
Or Sony/Vaio? Or Commodore?

Anonymous said...

I'll speak up for Dell but I'm computer illiterate!