Monday, August 16, 2010

My New Curate Announced!

Due to all the important work I’ve been doing in the course of minding everyone else’s business things here at St. Onuphrius’ have been a little neglected as of late, and so it’s taken a little longer than I’d anticipated to choose Evangelical Eric ‘s successor.

Needless to say competition for the position was fierce, although nowhere nearly as fierce as the most promising applicants. Indeed, my initial choice was the gentleman at left, whom by his appearance I naturally took to be a Nigerian Archdeacon. Unfortunately subsequent research revealed he's actually only a lifer in Illinois looking for penpals – unlike Conservative Clergy, whose ignorant bigotries are responsible for the deaths of thousands (if not millions), this elegantly coiffured gentleman has only killed one person, rendering him entirely unsuited for GAFCON ministry.

Consequently I’m delighted to announce little Peter Jensen has accepted my generous offer of shares in Enron and Lehman Brothers in return for his house-elf Deacon Dobby Ould (c’mon – it’s not the worst investment Archbishop Jensen has made during his tenure).

Pictured at right, Dobby has a documented history of lying about his fellow Christians (I’ve been sent hard-copy proof David, so don’t bother with any threats about contacting your attorney), as well as of pretending to be someone of a different theological persuasion and gender in order to make his ridiculous comments appear more credible (ditto, my boy) – in short the cheeky little house-elf has exactly the skills a Conservative parish needs.

I am expecting Dobby to arrive by post (the only mode of travel the Diocese of Sydney can now afford for anyone whose last name isn’t “Jensen”) any day now. In the meantime I’m now accepting offerings towards Evangelical Eric’s Going-Away Fund, the proceeds of which will be used to buy me a lovely new SUV in which I shall generously arrange to have my departing Curate’s pitiful sack of belongings conveyed to the airport.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Robert said...

Actually taking Evangelical Eric to the airport yourself in your new SUV? You are for too generous my dear father in god!!

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

No, don't worry my Beloved Sinner - it's only the foolish Curate's pathetic sack of belongings which will ride in the vehicle - and I only intend to arrange for someone else to drive that. Eric himself shall be running along behind, since in my compassion and consideration I feel a little pre-flight exertion should help protect him against deep-vein thrombosis.

Anonymous said...

I am shocked to see Dobby has gained weight through stuffing his evangelical mouth with an excess of kangaroo meat. I hope you will allow him, Father, to continue his invaluable teaching ministry at Viagraville. I ALWAYS print off his Word and find it makes very fine toilet paper which I sell at my Parish Bazaar.

Doorman-Priest said...

So you didn't get my application then?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

I'm sorry Doorman-Priest, but the Selection Committee (i.e. Me) felt you lacked sufficient experience in pathetic groveling, and your referees were unable to confirm the presence of a snivelling tendency to sycophancy.

Besides, you're not afraid to hit back when I get angry.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Brad Evans: I'm afraid your last comment was so stupid and crass (even by your standards) that the temptation to hit the little trashcan icon got the better of me.

Because, however, I continue to suffer from the delusion that beneath your obnoxious and repetitive exterior their may lurk a being who is at least technically human, I'll respond by saying that misogyny, homophobia, and stupidity have killed more people - yes, even millions more - than any of your regular bête noires (vestments, homosexuality, spirituality, etc.). Not to mention what appears to be your new obsession, crystal meth (I knew it was a bad idea for Bishop Quinine to give you a chemistry set for Christmas).

motheramelia said...

My word verification is wigwood. Sounds like a good word for the situation. I do hope that Dobby doesn't wee one.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

I've deleted your comment again, Brad, for reasons which would be plainly obvious to everyone other than yourself - although your recent preference for posting anonymously shows you do retain at least a semblance of self-insight: there aren't many people who'd be prepared to put an identity to the sort of drivel you've been exuding of late.

One part of your post does, however deserve an answer: your opening question "What does "crass" mean?"

I suggest you Google the term. Or at least take a long hard look in the mirror.