Thursday, June 19, 2014

Bob Duncan: Only Quitters Quit.

"They're not eyebrows - they're antennae of orthodoxy." 

 As I write these Words of inestimable wisdom, My Beloved Sinners, the Anglican Church of North America (“ACNA” or, as Bible-believing Conservative Leaders like Myself refer to it in technical theological terminology, “Little Bobby Duncan’s Sect”) is gathering to fulfill its sacred duty of picking someone to take the next turn at wearing their funny faux capo di tutti capi hat.

Obviously I have a great many opinions as to who should succeed our boy with the ‘brows, but before we come to that let us together dwell upon how deeply disappointing it is to see little Bobby quitting. After all, you don’t see god stepping down just because he’d like to get in a little more golf and spend Friday nights playing swing low sweet chariot with his pole-dancers’ fellowship. So whatever gave the world’s funniest pretend-prelate the idea that it’s ok for him??!! Or have you ever heard Jesus whining that someone else needs to have a turn at being lord and savior! No Sir! Being an Orthodox Biblical Leader is like being a dictator, or maybe the spokesman for an association of pro-gun wingnuts: having once scaled the dizzy heights to which one has been called you stay there until they prize whatever it is you’re grasping from your cold dead hands.

No, My Dearly Beloved Evildoers, there’s no denying that I’m disappointed in Bobby Duncan. I know he’s gained his sect full recognition as an Anglican province, brought every man, woman, and child, in the entire U.S.A. into a personal loving relationship with the heavenly father who will torture them for eternity, and set straight every man who’s ever thought Glee is “kinda fun”, but when you attain My degree of spiritual maturity (which you won’t, for the perfectly obvious reason that god loves Me more) you’ll realize that sort of thing is just part of doing one’s job.

Real Conservative Leadership involves holding onto power no matter who tries to snatch it away, and I’m afraid that in quitting Bobby has shown himself to be at heart just another Liberal. Although, to be fair, I have heard that there’s only so many knives a man can take in his back before taking on a kind of waxy appearance. At least we can all take heart in the fact that Bobby’s successor won’t be democratically elected by means of any fair and transparent process in which representatives of all church members (including, god forbid laymen) are entitled to vote, but will rather be “discerned” by the multitude of ACNA “bishops”.* Which I’ll admit, certainlys show ACNA’s relevance: nothing says “21st century Conservatism” like oligarchy.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

*In retrosp I may have at this point failed to take into account ACNA’s core doctrine of the Prelacy of all believers. Given this and their consequent enthusiasm for consecrating Bishops I’m not sure if they actually even have any members not entitled to parade in purple and a pectoral cross.


A Subservient Sydney Anglican Woman said...

May I remind you that a precedent was set by a former member of Hitler Youth, Herr Joseph Ratzinger, who resigned from an Italian Sect after he fell over into the arms of Gorgeous Georg Ganswein? All dictators think they are Infallible.
Mr Duncan believes all Christians are wrong except himself. Perhaps he should now start an Alternative Roman Catholic Church.

Jim Von Dreele said...

If you see them in person, his eyebrows are even more sinister! We used to call him Bp. Duncan Donuts! Bye, bye!

Leonard said...

Is there no end to the flock of steralized ACNA bishops on the lamb? I truly hope someone as devoted as Martyn Minns of the Holy Grow'n Empire will be crowed Queen of the Come-what-may! Really, having a Archturncoat writing ALL the speeches for those who hate homosensualists will save much on spoofreading fees down the camino real...I think NOBODY knows the fine art of Quittery-for-gain like Martypurplepants! (do you imagine they arm wrestle or mudwrestle to see who wins the double-or-noth'n cross? Perhaps more of those sealed/plump envelopes will pave the way to enthronment day?

Sir Dafne Gigglespoutter-Gomez
Dead Ringer Assembly Presenter

A Terrified Gardener said...

I recently found some caterpillars on my roses in the garden. At first, I thought it was little Bobby Duncan lurking in the bushes.

Jim Von Dreele said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Father you have to read this about Little Dobby Ould

Sam Anderson said...

You still out there F.C.?

Anonymous said...

Missing your insights Reverend!

Anonymous said...

Have you left this good world, or just the blogosphere RDCT???