Tuesday, June 17, 2014

How I've Spent My Sabbatical.

I’m well aware, My Beloved Sinners, that it has indeed been a terribly long time since I last Blessed any of you with My vitally important Words of Wisdom. Even so, I’m sure that even those of you home-schooled by Evangelicals will have been able to discern that I have been incredibly busy with matters far more important than the tedious task of ministering to those with whose care I have been entrusted by god.

Indeed, even the most fleeting of glances at the many recent public-relations victories of the Archbishop of Canterbury, little Justin Welby, reveals the crucial advisory capacity I have been undertaking at Anglicanism’s highest echelons. That’s right: after foolishly attacking an upright and perfectly-ethical business in which his church just happened to have invested a paltry £75,000 (that’s about $127,215.00 in Christian money: an amount so small it wouldn’t even keep Layman Jack Iker in man-lace for a season – which sheds some perspective as to what a tornado-in-a-teacup the godless liberals raised over this) Little Justin’s minders came to My Rectory Door on bended knees, much to the delight of Bishop Quinine, who as a Prelate cannot help but inevitably misread the intentions of others.

Naturally My first inclination was to turn them away: it seems like only yesterday that young Thomas a’Beckett showed Me all too well how incompetent Archbishops are when it comes to heeding My counsel. Still, when His Grace’s envoys revealed the plain brown paper bags of used unmarked currency accompanying them as an indication of their integrity the quiet still voice of the spirit began sounding more like a cross between Grover Norquist and the homeless alcoholic who stands outside our local mall every Saturday morning and screams something about shape-shifting spiders stealing his last bottle of Thunderbird. And so obviously as a Man of Faith I had no option but to accept their pleas for help.

Of course you all know by now that my piece of first advice to the most morally-consistent Etononian since Guy Burgess and Lord Lucan was followed to the letter. Little Tory Baucum – an ACNA luminary even the folks at Viagraville couldn’t bring themselves to trust completely - was appointed to sit in a beautifully-upholstered chair at Canterbury Cathedral. In a moment Godless Liberals and their traditional sparring-partners were united in a way not seen since the time I restored order to a Vestry Meeting by firing up a chainsaw and severing several Wardens’ limbs.

More recent media outings have seen My boy abandon the concise logic which in the business world enabled him to buy a charming holiday house in France (scroll to the bottom of the page here for the sort of rambling confusion only an Archbishop can deliver. Words can’t convey the pride I felt when JW (tell me it’s only coincidence that his initials are the same as those of a notoriously anti-intellectual cult) answered the question “You've said the issue of same-sex marriage is a complex one that you wrestle with every day and often in the middle of the night…” with “I have about a million questions. I think really I've said as much as I want to on that subject” (source)

Exactly as Jesus would have put it. Or maybe not.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


A poor Post-gay Homo said...

I can't afford £2000 per month to stay in Mr Welby's French retreat. As a post-gay homosexual, would it be ethical to take out a pay-day loan from Wonga to give to the Archbishop, if he thinks a post-homo like myself causes the murder of Africans? Does Mr Welby allow gays in his holiday home? Can I take my wife and boyfriend?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

My Poor Post-Gay Child:
A great many of His Grace's subjects are unable to afford this pittance - the majority on account of their being held prisoner in a certain Australian Diocese whose previous Prelate suffered from an unfortunate gambling addiction.

Rather than advise them to become party to the sin of usury, (especially since Wonga doesn't normally lend the kind of bullion His Grace charges for use of his modest vacational abode) I recommend engaging the services of a lawyer utterly devoid of scruples, and then setting the aforementioned mouthpiece loose against everybody who has ever failed to take one as seriously as one takes oneself.

Not only will people generally throw something in your direction to make you go away on account of them having more valuable things to do with their time than argue with narcissistic bigots, but afterwards you can milk the gullible for sympathy and - if you don't mind lying - admiration at the great legal "victory" accomplished.

As is the case with his churches, His Grace permits anyone in his house as long as they are prepared to pay and keep their mouth shut. Conseqeuntly you will be free to bring whoever you wish - even an Anglo-Austrian twin AND a newly-Roman fellow blogger if your tastes should run in such directions. Just don't let the Africans see them together.

An Unemployed Post-gay Married Homo said...

Dear Holy Bible Teacher
Since my last question, I have sadly declared myself utterly penniless and unemployed and am withdrawing from world-wide advice on the vital subject of men's bottoms. I live in Mr Welby's diocese and he seems displeased with my research into the anus. Not only can I not find a job in the Church of England, even post-gay homos are findng me ludicrous and hilarious. This is the final statement I will ever make to the world whch has learned so much about my own personal prostate. Would that my twin brother would shut his mouth too!

Sue, Grabbit and Run (Attorneys at Law) said...

We act on behalf of our client, known internationally as Prostate Pete, who is seeking employment in the Church of England. To this end, he is removing his esteemed blog from the Internet and Google Cache to hide it from bishops who may find his subject matter distasteful. If they become aware he has spent 10 years discussing penises, bottoms, prostates and the male anus, his chances of parish work amount to zero. We have sent a "cease and desist" letter to the Courthouse in Ichabod Springs to prevent you from ever mentioning our client in your homilies and bible seminars. We demand you remove any reference to Prostate Pete from your offensive teachings. We reserve the right to apply to the Supreme Court and President Obama to have you committed to the State Pentitentiary

Anonymous said...

I, for one, am SO glad you have returned from sabbatical. Your wisdom is sorely needed.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Dear Messrs Grabbit & Run etc
You misunderstand me - the tail end of Prostate Peter Ould's ministry fills me with nothing but sorrow. That some have the bare-faced cheek to mock the full moon of his teaching is disgraceful, and I have commenced writing a homily to comfort all who are similarly grieved to see the backside of his blog .

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Also - as an extra blessing to My faithful friends here: I now have a Twitter account - @RevDrTroll