Tuesday, November 15, 2016

"Let's be careful out there."

Those of you who can remember a time when everyone's biggest fear was Reagan should also be able to recall an NBC program by the name of Hill Street Blues. Set in a fictional inner-city police precinct, it was strangely enjoyable despite featuring an array of foreigners who avoided gratuitous violence and consistently declined to shoot persons of color for no valid reason. And each episode of the first 3½ seasons opened with an address from veteran cop Sgt. Phil Esterhaus (Michael Conrad) which ended like this:

And so why, My Beloved Sinners, am I sharing this with you? Let's put it this way: whilst I love our President-Elect-For-Life as much as everyone else (albeit a little differently, and with less desperation, than whichever Ukrainian aspiring super-model he happens to be "interviewing" this week) there's no denying a lot of my new best friends and colleagues at the trough are - how shall I put it? - a little unstable. In fact a lot of them are batshit crazy, and they're nazis. And they have a strange compensatory fixation upon firearms.

Which is all fine and dandy, I can hear you say: it's not as if you encounter anything different every time you visit your local Walmart or monster-truck competition. But this time there's a difference - they're now about to start giving orders to the police. And the military. And the Department of Homeland security. And all those strange-looking nervous types you see in movies cracking computer codes and hacking emails. Not of course that any high-level email servers have ever been breached for personal and/or political profit in real life - but you never know.

Consequently My Wise old Pastoral Heart can't help sharing a little advice with you, My precious young and foolish flock. After all, I didn't make millions selling Siberian wastelands I didn't own to dear little Joe Stalin back in the late 20s in order that he might build gulags by being careless. And when I convinced jittery young Adolf to purchase a Berlin bunker in which "no harm will ever be able to come to you here, mein F├╝hrer" you'd better believe I was watching every step. Success in ministry involves caution in ministry - just ask any Rector who has led public prayers for the immediate & painful passing of that person on their Parish Council.

That's why if you look closely you may well find my homilies and Facebook edification Facebook edification being posted via servers in places as diverse as the Netherlands, Corfu, or the Chatham Islands. Because in times like these a little preventative caution can go a long way if and when a knock on the door should mistakenly come in the night. Call me overly-dramatic if you wish, but when Papa Doc's Tonton Macoute called by the Haitian resort at which I was ministering in '64 it wasn't my tanning butter that was spilled. In fact the machetes never touched so much as a parasol in any of my complimentary drinks. But that's because I was careful.

My advice, dear sinners, is for you to do likewise. Just because you're going to spend an eternity in Hell is hardly reason enough to let someone with an imported Taser and a "Buy American or Leave!" bumper sticker give you a foretaste now. Just sayin'.

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Isambard Goatposture said...

I rejoice is your timely resurrection Fr Troll to guide us poor sinners through these troublous times. However, I can't help noticing that since your first incarnation your spelling and formatting seems to have deteriorated. Are you getting too old for the rigours of frontline ministry or have you just been distracting your nubile typists while they have been at work?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Thank you, My Dear Isambard. You have recognized an important aspect of this new phase of My Ministry, and were you less Sinful and better educated in the Scriptures which died for your Sins you would understand that I am, in accordance with 1 Cor. 9:22, making myself weak in order to minister to the weak. Let's not beat around the bush: among the entourage rapidly assembling around the President-Elect-For-Life here at the trough Bishop Quinine is by the far the most educated. And he was obliged to leave school in the 3rd grade as a result of his being caught beating around somewhere else. (I believe it may have been the bicycle sheds.)

Consequently it's important for me to work undercover (another schoolyard activity of My Bishop which may have contributed to his education's termination) and disguise My vast & comprehensive grammatical knowledge. I know in the process many of you will stumble and undoubtedly suffer eternal damnation as a result, but these things just can't be helped. Of primary importance here are the millions to be extracted before the American people wake up to the fact they're all marks in the largest game of 3 card monte the world has ever seen. Something I know you'll appreciate in the eons to come as the sulfurous fires caress you in indescribable agony.

Incidentally, I've known a number of Goatpostures over the years, and always admired their remarkable flexibility. Are you related to the family in Ichabod Springs who operate a combined Tanning Clinic/Charcoal Chicken Restaurant ("Burnin' 'em both ways since '75")? Or are you descended from the Norwegian branch of the family, who in the 1700s made their fortune selling reindeer-skin surgical supports to the nomads of Lapland?

Dr Yolanda Squatbottom said...

You have been an inspirational leader in GAFCON for many years and have displayed a profound ability to interpret God's Word of hatred and division. It is obvious the President-elect has been influenced by your effective ministry in his wish to legislate against Muslims, foreigners, yellow people and folks with no money. Will you be acting as chaplain at the inauguration? It is wonderful how God's displeasure with non-white people is finally to become law. Do you think God would like to blow up countries outside the USA?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Funny you ask My Child. Just this morning I have been
personally commissioned to celebrate both the birth of Our Lord and the Yuletide season generally by conducting an international study tour with the purpose of finding new places - preferably ones which won't fight back - to bomb. More news in coming weeks.

An intelligent Minister from Sydney Diocese said...

You Americans never learn. After 8 years of being governed by a Kenyan Muslim you have chosen another African to lead your corrupt Episcopal Church. This always leads to homosexuality. Thank goodness your new President is a wholesome family man who has married lots of women. Sydney Diocese is thrilled your new leader knows that God intends white men to have lots of sex with different wives. We hope Mr Trump will make gay sex illegal, along with Islam, Mexicans, lesbianism and Michael Curry.