“We are not very confused…”

Like me, seasoned observers of Morality’s Homeland^® have been delighted to see little Archbishop Okoh-after-Akinola is at last trying to fill the void left by the retirement of his predecessor, the primate known to Bible-Believers and Sinners alike as Big Pete Akinola.

Signs of his promising rise to GAFCON maturity first appeared a month ago, when, ++Okoh let slip concerns that his faux-Nigerian Clergy in the U.S. were becoming “unruly”. At the time I sniffed long and hard around this morsel, only to come up with nothing more substantial that a few rumours concerning little Martyn Minns’ failure to send as much filthy American lucre back to Lagos as had been expected. Although one of My Sinners did report having heard of more than a little agitation in Abuja that many of the former priests welcomed into the CoN (I defy anyone doubting the existence of God to explain the Church of Nigeria’s acronym) have turned out to view their new-found African heritage as nothing more than a temporary ecclesiastical flag-of-convenience, and are making no secret of their plans to dump it just as soon as something a little more Main Street, U.S.A. comes along.

Now his latest release, that for reasons I can’t begin to fathom has been largely ignored by those Righteous Men comprising my Gathered Brethren, but which has been admirably reported by someone committed to sinful precepts like grace, justice, and balance, shows exactly why little Nicky Okoh was able to rise to the top of the incorruptible meritocracy which is Nigerian society.

Indeed, My Beloved Sinners, it’s a diatribe truly spectacular in its ability to ignore the need for systemic change. When questioned about judicial corruption, for example, His Grace tells how he finds it “difficult to comment upon because I haven’t caught any judge in bribe taken, I haven’t seen anybody, so I can hardly say categorically that the judges or one judge is corrupt”, but that “If there is any certain judge and it is proved that he has misbehaved the law should take its course.” (How much would it cost to find a Lagos street kid who could explain to him that that in Nigeria the judge is the law, and whatever the judge wants is its course? A quarter?)

Yet all this hedging is just a prelude to the body of the address, which is a fascinating response to the question undoubtedly burning in the hearts of Nigeria’s poor and disenfranchised: “HOMOSEXUALISM WHAT IS YOUR NEW?” (sic) The penultimate paragraphs of this section feature a fascinating reference to his forebears’ charming traditional predilection for killing twins at birth - the following are his words, grammar, and syntax cited verbatim:

“But the question we continue to ask is that the gospel came to us and identified areas where we were not living well and the gospel corrected us, the gospel transformed our lives, for instance we were killing twins here and when it was exposed to us that we were wrong, we dropped it.

The irony of the situation now is that the people who brought this are now telling us that such things are right but thank God we are not very confused we are not confused at all.”

Of course you’re not, Your Grace. With statements that lucid it amazes me that anyone could even begin to think you’re confused. Although I do`have just one tiny question: as well as inciting you and your parishioners to re-establish a delightful ancestral association of multiple birth with infanticide, is the Bishop of New Hampshire and his global conspiracy of supporters also behind your country’s persecution of albinos and pandemic child prostitution? Or did you guys come up with those two on your own?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.