It was a quarter to three in the morning, and although most of the effects of Bishop Quinine’s new herbal tea had worn off, I was still unable to sleep. Unwilling to succumb to the temptation to once again visit the weird side of YouTube (videos of abscess drainage and impacted ear-wax removal have their charms, but even a man of my relentless curiosity has limits), I decided to instead drop by Facebook and see what’s been happening in the lives of My Beloved Sinners around this disgraceful and wicked planet.
No sooner had Mr. Gates’ dear old browser loaded the familiar white-on-blue “f” than my wise and saintly eyes were confronted caught by a couple of notifications concerning developments in Mordor. Having already decided to pass on YouTube’s less palatable delicacies, I was quite naturally unsure if my constitution was up to the latest news from the Diocese that time (not to mention the Holy Spirit, compassion, grace, and legislation against inbreeding) forgot. Yet like what may have once happened to me when watching those clips an interesting New Delhi medico posts of himself extracting blackheads (Google it if you must disbelieve me, but not even I can bring myself to include a link*), once I’d started clicking it was impossible to turn back.
That’s because, Beloved Evildoers, having converted every Antipodean man, woman, child, and marsupial, not to mention having rewarded every last relative capable of saying the word “Bible” with lucrative employment at his parishioners’ expense, little Archbishop Jensen has now turned his attention to correcting the mistakes made by Cranmer and whoever else was responsible for the foundations of today’s Anglican wedding liturgy (St. Paul? Jesus? Bobby Duncan?). Whereas our foolish forbears neglected to emphasis strongly enough that a Biblical Christian man’s most precious belonging is his wife, marriage Jensen-style will from now on put an end to the confusion by requiring the person-without-a-penis to solemnly vow that they will henceforth submit to their god-given owner.
Not, of course, that this is anyway to be taken as giving licence for the man to abuse or otherwise disrespect his treasured new chattel. Quite the contrary, as little Peter Jensen subsequently made clear in a piece so profound in its logic that I know of three used-car sales managers and a mid-level Amway marketer all now clamouring for him address training seminars on the subject of “Intellectual Honesty: Overrated or just Unnecessary”, the real burden of responsibility created by this exciting liturgical innovation falls upon the man. That’s because, according to the Bishop of Biblical Discernment who just happened to lose $160 million of his faithfuls’ hard-earned, along with the authority, power, and right to make the final call with regards to what’s for dinner and on T.V. afforded by the wife’s promise to submit comes the obligation for the husband to sacrifice himself for her in the same way that Jesus sacrificed Himself for the church.
Forget liberal notions of two people being drawn together to share the vagaries of life as one: this is indeed a bold call for young Anglican Conservatives to enter into a binding agreement in which one party clearly has the upper hand, whilst the other must dutifully assume whatever position is required of them. As such it clearly mirrors the sacred values enshrined in any Florida time-share contract, or something Everhome/Fannie Mae try getting away with. And please let’s not have any nonsense about marriage being a rewarding and mutually empowering relationship: the definitive marital role model for today’s husband must involve indescribable agony, during the course of which he should feel compelled call out “My God, my God – Why have you forsaken me?” (The woman, on the other hand, should remain silent. Later, when they’re in private – and preferably when there are no sticks or sharp objects nearby – she can submissively ask her husband to explain what was distressing him. Who is in turn perfectly free to let her wait until the next world for an answer.)
Honestly: if the godless Episcopalian and Church of England leaders would only display this kind of witness then they too might be able to boast of evangelism campaigns that brought a reduction in congregation sizes whilst simultaneously lining the pockets of a company owned by members of the Archbishop’s family. They too might reap the rewards of seeing the Gospel be made a byword for oppression and misogyny. And they too might experience what it feels like to know Christians around the world are shaking their heads and saying “Next time I think I’ll stick with weird side of YouTube.”
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
*On second thoughts, a marvellous piece on this sub-continental Marcus Welby’s site entitled “8 reasons why you should stop masturbation” is just too good not share. And please don’t be misled by the fact that his domain name is wacky5.com - as he explains elsewhere on this veritable goldmine of information (anyone else ever felt an urge to learn how to practice basic suturing techniques?), wacky actually stands for Welfare Association of Clinicians and Keen Youths. Which I’m sure we’d have all guessed had we just thought about it for long enough.)
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Legitimate Stupidity
As every one of the millions of sinners blessed by My Ministry will testify, I am a patient man, and it takes a great deal to make me angry. Little things which could quite justifiably incite homicidal responses in Bible Believers less self-controlled than myself – such as a woman speaking aloud in Church, or an evolutionist being permitted to attend college –generally provoke in me a more measured reaction. Quite naturally I’ll still be the first to stand up for the truth that such blasphemies can only be atoned for by the shedding of blood (namely that of the perpetrator and their immediate family), but all these years as the World’s Leading Doctrinal Warrior have taught me the importance of timing. Sometimes it’s best to contain one’s anger, and faithfully wait upon the spirit for guidance as to the appropriate moment to vent one’s righteous rage. (And, by the way, it’s truly remarkable how often that moment coincides with a time when nobody’s looking…)
Even so, I’m not going to make any secret of my fury with the godless liberal media currently hounding Missouri congressman and would-be senator Todd Akin for simply stating what any Conservative Preacher knows is true: that the bodies of that half of the population without the kind of genitalia necessary for Church Leadership are capable of all sorts of mysterious things, including that “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”. Although I’ve got to admit that’s one particular biological fact I’ve not before encountered during the course of my dilligent socio-scriptural internet research – I dare say that in Missouri young people’s fellowship talks on boy-girl relations must be a little more explicit than they are here in Ichabod Springs.
Indeed, so widespread has been the attack upon Congressman Akin that even Biblically Christian media like CNN and Fox “News” have been making mountains out of what scarcely qualifies as a molehill. As far as I’m concerned little Tod’s only mistake was that of letting the kind of thing quite commonly said within the corridors of Conservative ecclesiastic power be heard in a domain where people unafraid of thinking for themselves could grab it and run. Which is exactly what the Bible talks about when it cautions against casting one’s swine before pearls. Or something like that.
One humorous thing to come out of all this, however, (or at least it would be humorous were I as a Leading Conservative capable of laughing – as anyone who’s ever read little David Virtue’s “satire” pages will have realized, mirth isn’t an emotion greatly prized in my corner of Christendom) the jeers currently echoing from the mouths of apostates around the world actually reveal how little they truly know. Take, for example, the email I keep receiving which asks “Can the Tea Party really get any dumber than this?” As someone who’s been intimately associated (in a strictly Biblical sense, of course) with a great many Tea Party luminaries I can personally assure every siongle one of the mocking liberals that they really haven’t seen anything yet. After all: let’s not forget how many Tea Partygoers were home schooled – need I say any more?
Nevertheless, there is just one small correction I’d like to make to Congressman Akin’s quintessentially modern-Republican assertion: the poor man appears a little challenged with regard to his theo-linguistic accuracy. In Conservative Theological terms what he calls “legitimate rape” is more accurately termed ”a Deuteronomic Marriage Proposal”. As anyone who’s ever read the work of Bruce Ware and his cohorts at The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood will know, “legitimate rape” is actually just another way referring to Complementarian Marriage.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
P.S. While we’re speaking of Complementarians I’d like to reassure the troubled individual who’s been sending delightfully misspelt warnings concerning my post on the lovely David Ould that he’s completely misunderstood me: I’ve always maintained the Church needs more serial liars in pulpits, and it grieves me deeply that the dishonest little Anglo-Austrian-Australian appears to have still not found a parish willing to subject itself to the unique perspectives on integrity and truth which Our Favorite Deacon has to offer.
Further to which, I’d like to thank the Beloved Sinner from Mordor who sent the very funny account of Dobby unwittingly making a life-long enemy of someone highly influential in that part of the world who just happens to be called “Jensen”. You’re quite right: it is too libellous to be posted here, but thank you for making the halls of St. Onuphrius’ echo with laughter. It does indeed explain a great deal concerning the boy’s current predicament.
Thank you also to the other Beloved Sinner who drew this post to my attention. Titled ”Lying Bastard”, I’ll admit it falls short of really outlining the qualities David Ould can offer a potential employer, but it nonetheless offers a good summary of why I have no qualms about paying so much attention to the testosteronically litigious Deacon from Down-Under. If he didn’t exist I’d have had to make him up.
Even so, I’m not going to make any secret of my fury with the godless liberal media currently hounding Missouri congressman and would-be senator Todd Akin for simply stating what any Conservative Preacher knows is true: that the bodies of that half of the population without the kind of genitalia necessary for Church Leadership are capable of all sorts of mysterious things, including that “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”. Although I’ve got to admit that’s one particular biological fact I’ve not before encountered during the course of my dilligent socio-scriptural internet research – I dare say that in Missouri young people’s fellowship talks on boy-girl relations must be a little more explicit than they are here in Ichabod Springs.
Indeed, so widespread has been the attack upon Congressman Akin that even Biblically Christian media like CNN and Fox “News” have been making mountains out of what scarcely qualifies as a molehill. As far as I’m concerned little Tod’s only mistake was that of letting the kind of thing quite commonly said within the corridors of Conservative ecclesiastic power be heard in a domain where people unafraid of thinking for themselves could grab it and run. Which is exactly what the Bible talks about when it cautions against casting one’s swine before pearls. Or something like that.
One humorous thing to come out of all this, however, (or at least it would be humorous were I as a Leading Conservative capable of laughing – as anyone who’s ever read little David Virtue’s “satire” pages will have realized, mirth isn’t an emotion greatly prized in my corner of Christendom) the jeers currently echoing from the mouths of apostates around the world actually reveal how little they truly know. Take, for example, the email I keep receiving which asks “Can the Tea Party really get any dumber than this?” As someone who’s been intimately associated (in a strictly Biblical sense, of course) with a great many Tea Party luminaries I can personally assure every siongle one of the mocking liberals that they really haven’t seen anything yet. After all: let’s not forget how many Tea Partygoers were home schooled – need I say any more?
Nevertheless, there is just one small correction I’d like to make to Congressman Akin’s quintessentially modern-Republican assertion: the poor man appears a little challenged with regard to his theo-linguistic accuracy. In Conservative Theological terms what he calls “legitimate rape” is more accurately termed ”a Deuteronomic Marriage Proposal”. As anyone who’s ever read the work of Bruce Ware and his cohorts at The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood will know, “legitimate rape” is actually just another way referring to Complementarian Marriage.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
P.S. While we’re speaking of Complementarians I’d like to reassure the troubled individual who’s been sending delightfully misspelt warnings concerning my post on the lovely David Ould that he’s completely misunderstood me: I’ve always maintained the Church needs more serial liars in pulpits, and it grieves me deeply that the dishonest little Anglo-Austrian-Australian appears to have still not found a parish willing to subject itself to the unique perspectives on integrity and truth which Our Favorite Deacon has to offer.
Further to which, I’d like to thank the Beloved Sinner from Mordor who sent the very funny account of Dobby unwittingly making a life-long enemy of someone highly influential in that part of the world who just happens to be called “Jensen”. You’re quite right: it is too libellous to be posted here, but thank you for making the halls of St. Onuphrius’ echo with laughter. It does indeed explain a great deal concerning the boy’s current predicament.
Thank you also to the other Beloved Sinner who drew this post to my attention. Titled ”Lying Bastard”, I’ll admit it falls short of really outlining the qualities David Ould can offer a potential employer, but it nonetheless offers a good summary of why I have no qualms about paying so much attention to the testosteronically litigious Deacon from Down-Under. If he didn’t exist I’d have had to make him up.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Games People Play
Honestly, My Beloved Sinners, is there any other event in Biblical Christianity’s calendar as inspiring as the Olympic Games? The nationalism, the steroid stimulated loins clad in lycra, and more corrupt old men flying first class than a conference of Conservative Bishops – the Olympics truly are a foretaste of what the world will be like when Jesus finally gets around to coming back and tossing (lovingly, of course) everyone who doesn’t agree with my theology into the Lake of Fire.
Mind you, as an Olympic Gold Medallist myself (Live Pigeon Shooting – Paris 1900) I quite naturally have a special interest in The Olympic Movement, and the following picture of me raising my right in celebration of fascism’s only military victory with the definitive Olympic junketer, His Excellency Juan Antonio Samaranch, will always occupy a place of pride on the St. Onuphrius’ sanctuary wall. (I’m obviously the extraordinarily handsome clergyman in dark glasses on the far right – as a symbolic testimony to the purity of both my own and Olympic ideals I’m wearing a white clerical shirt instead of my more customary shade of practical duck-egg blue.)
Sadly, however, fewer and fewer of today’s athletes share my unequalled respect for Sacred Olympic values. Not only do the modern games permit women competitors, but in a sharp and tragic contrast to the Bible-believing days of Ancient Greece, contestants no longer participate nude. And I have it on good authority that being of a homosexualist persuasion – something unheard of in ancient Athens - is these days no bar to entry.
Nor should anyone get me started on the scourge of drugs. I attribute the demise of my own sport to this menace: blasting a pigeon into the hereafter is hardly a challenge when the little beasts are too stoned to fly – even if the resultant mess is nonetheless quite satisfying for someone who takes the Old Testament as literally as I do. That’s why I was so glad to see the opening ceremony’s musical directors were those two young men from Underworld, whose extensive involvement with the famously anti-drug dance/rave culture sends exactly the right message vis-à-vis substance abuse in sport.
Indeed: I’d be in London enjoying the Olympic Spirit myself were it not for the fact that I’m currently right in the middle of fighting to terminate a liberal subterfuge which has the potential to utterly destroy Conservative Christianity. Codenamed “Project Stop-Whining”, I’m not prepared to divulge many of the details here given that I have good reason to believe my homilies are frequently read aloud to not just those who are the product of Evangelical home-schooling, but also to women, so for now let me just say that it involves working in one’s parish with the same dedication and diligence as is expected of anyone in secular employment – a hideously radical notion which could not only render the Anglican Communion Institute completely irrelevant (presuming it isn’t already so), but could even lead to a world in which religious experts like David Ould were obliged to do something morre with their time than obsessively seeking to track down those who dare to laugh at them for being nasty dishonest pharisees.
Nevertheless, I’m proud to say St. Onuphrius’ has not been without representation at this Sacred Biblical Convocation. This past month our own Bishop Quinine has been personally assisting the Chinese team. While he’s had to be a bit secretive about the precise nature of his involvement (Olympic Protocol and all that), I do know he’s been working particularly closely with their swimmers, weight-lifters, and female shot putters (is there any sport as glamorous as shot putting?), and I’m absolutely certain he’s been providing them with the sort of spiritual inspiration that only a faux-bishop can deliver when appropriately remunerated. Nor has he been confining his Ministry to the Chinese: with the Jensenists too broke to provide pastoral care for any fellow Australians not a member of their immediate family Bishop Quinine has been called upon to also provide them with pastoral support – as anyone who read this news report will have immediately recognized.
Which is in itself just one small example of the much broader blessing of Peace and Global Understanding that the Sacred Olympic Movement has brought our depraved and sinful world. Looking through history one simply can’t deny the facts: just look at how an understanding of Olympic Ideals brought peace to Afghanistan, how encountering Olympic tolerance taught China the importance of Tibetan independence, and how that poster of Mark Spitz cured a generation of young men of homosexualist yearnings.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
Mind you, as an Olympic Gold Medallist myself (Live Pigeon Shooting – Paris 1900) I quite naturally have a special interest in The Olympic Movement, and the following picture of me raising my right in celebration of fascism’s only military victory with the definitive Olympic junketer, His Excellency Juan Antonio Samaranch, will always occupy a place of pride on the St. Onuphrius’ sanctuary wall. (I’m obviously the extraordinarily handsome clergyman in dark glasses on the far right – as a symbolic testimony to the purity of both my own and Olympic ideals I’m wearing a white clerical shirt instead of my more customary shade of practical duck-egg blue.)
Sadly, however, fewer and fewer of today’s athletes share my unequalled respect for Sacred Olympic values. Not only do the modern games permit women competitors, but in a sharp and tragic contrast to the Bible-believing days of Ancient Greece, contestants no longer participate nude. And I have it on good authority that being of a homosexualist persuasion – something unheard of in ancient Athens - is these days no bar to entry.
Nor should anyone get me started on the scourge of drugs. I attribute the demise of my own sport to this menace: blasting a pigeon into the hereafter is hardly a challenge when the little beasts are too stoned to fly – even if the resultant mess is nonetheless quite satisfying for someone who takes the Old Testament as literally as I do. That’s why I was so glad to see the opening ceremony’s musical directors were those two young men from Underworld, whose extensive involvement with the famously anti-drug dance/rave culture sends exactly the right message vis-à-vis substance abuse in sport.
Indeed: I’d be in London enjoying the Olympic Spirit myself were it not for the fact that I’m currently right in the middle of fighting to terminate a liberal subterfuge which has the potential to utterly destroy Conservative Christianity. Codenamed “Project Stop-Whining”, I’m not prepared to divulge many of the details here given that I have good reason to believe my homilies are frequently read aloud to not just those who are the product of Evangelical home-schooling, but also to women, so for now let me just say that it involves working in one’s parish with the same dedication and diligence as is expected of anyone in secular employment – a hideously radical notion which could not only render the Anglican Communion Institute completely irrelevant (presuming it isn’t already so), but could even lead to a world in which religious experts like David Ould were obliged to do something morre with their time than obsessively seeking to track down those who dare to laugh at them for being nasty dishonest pharisees.
Nevertheless, I’m proud to say St. Onuphrius’ has not been without representation at this Sacred Biblical Convocation. This past month our own Bishop Quinine has been personally assisting the Chinese team. While he’s had to be a bit secretive about the precise nature of his involvement (Olympic Protocol and all that), I do know he’s been working particularly closely with their swimmers, weight-lifters, and female shot putters (is there any sport as glamorous as shot putting?), and I’m absolutely certain he’s been providing them with the sort of spiritual inspiration that only a faux-bishop can deliver when appropriately remunerated. Nor has he been confining his Ministry to the Chinese: with the Jensenists too broke to provide pastoral care for any fellow Australians not a member of their immediate family Bishop Quinine has been called upon to also provide them with pastoral support – as anyone who read this news report will have immediately recognized.
Which is in itself just one small example of the much broader blessing of Peace and Global Understanding that the Sacred Olympic Movement has brought our depraved and sinful world. Looking through history one simply can’t deny the facts: just look at how an understanding of Olympic Ideals brought peace to Afghanistan, how encountering Olympic tolerance taught China the importance of Tibetan independence, and how that poster of Mark Spitz cured a generation of young men of homosexualist yearnings.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Hell hath no fury...
... like a blackmailing serial-liar ridiculed.
At which point I would like to on the very best of legal advice stress this salient aphorism is utterly bereft of any pertinence to the following comment left several hours ago elsewhere on this site:
Nonetheless, as one renowned for the seriousness with he takes his pastoral responsibilities I am, of course and as always, more than happy to discuss this and/or any other matters with those whose hunger for enlightenment leads them to contact me privately.
That said, let me now move on to an entirely unrelated matter of an altogether different nature. It just so happens that a young man rejoicing in the title and name of the Reverend David Ould, who currently serves as a Deacon (or in the quaint ecclesiastical patois compulsory in the Australian Anglican Diocese of Sydney, an "Assistant Minister" - commonly abbreviated to "Ass Minister" for reasons undoubtedly self-evident) at St. Augustines's Anglican Church, Neutral Bay (a.k.a. "Neutral Bay Anglican Church" - a moniker at least half true; an impressive statistic within the context of the sect known elsewhere as "Jensenism") is seeking a new parish.
Even though David Ould hasn't made public his reasons for leaving his current employment, there's bound to be a perfectly good reason as to why his position will be terminated at the end of this year. In fact, I'm sure that if you call him on +612 9953 1830, or +61425 362598, or send an email to david.ould@neutralbayanglican.org.au he'll be only too happy to provide a most entertaining explanation. One which may or may not be entirely dissimilar to any rumors currently spreading fasting than monkeys on ice skates. Although possibly not as funny.
And while there’s hardly any point discussing those reasons here – as the very best of legal advice also made perfectly clear to me – I would none the less like to extend a personal invitation to the members of any parish nomination committee who have courtesy of the Holy Spirit and Google landed here whilst investigating the possibility of David Ould joining their ministry team: you are all more than welcome to contact me to discuss his suitability for the position you have in mind.
Whether you, for example, represent a medium-to-large congregation wishing to downsize by shedding a significant percentage of parishioners; or you are seeking a Minister who considers compulsively Googling his own name as synonymous with “pastoral care”; or you're merely seeking someone not ashamed to do whatever it takes (legal or otherwise) to stop others from laughing at him, I am only to happy to provide a reference outlining the fascinating things I have evidence of little David Ould getting up to – at this point do I need to mention that I have on the very best of legal advice an assurance that truth is a defence against accusations of defamation in both David Ould's jurisdiction and my own?
I’m Father Christian, and I really don’t like Pharisees.
At which point I would like to on the very best of legal advice stress this salient aphorism is utterly bereft of any pertinence to the following comment left several hours ago elsewhere on this site:
"Someone called David Ould has sicked his lawyers onto Dobby, and Dobby has fled. Long live Dobby!"Once again in response to the very best of legal advice I would also like to categorically claim that I have absolutely no idea of what my correspondent might be talking about. When it comes to accusations of defamation I've always found it fascinating to note how those most eager to defend their reputation are invariably those whose reputation is the least defensible, which renders this whole affair most mysterious indeed.
Nonetheless, as one renowned for the seriousness with he takes his pastoral responsibilities I am, of course and as always, more than happy to discuss this and/or any other matters with those whose hunger for enlightenment leads them to contact me privately.
That said, let me now move on to an entirely unrelated matter of an altogether different nature. It just so happens that a young man rejoicing in the title and name of the Reverend David Ould, who currently serves as a Deacon (or in the quaint ecclesiastical patois compulsory in the Australian Anglican Diocese of Sydney, an "Assistant Minister" - commonly abbreviated to "Ass Minister" for reasons undoubtedly self-evident) at St. Augustines's Anglican Church, Neutral Bay (a.k.a. "Neutral Bay Anglican Church" - a moniker at least half true; an impressive statistic within the context of the sect known elsewhere as "Jensenism") is seeking a new parish.
Even though David Ould hasn't made public his reasons for leaving his current employment, there's bound to be a perfectly good reason as to why his position will be terminated at the end of this year. In fact, I'm sure that if you call him on +612 9953 1830, or +61425 362598, or send an email to david.ould@neutralbayanglican.org.au he'll be only too happy to provide a most entertaining explanation. One which may or may not be entirely dissimilar to any rumors currently spreading fasting than monkeys on ice skates. Although possibly not as funny.
And while there’s hardly any point discussing those reasons here – as the very best of legal advice also made perfectly clear to me – I would none the less like to extend a personal invitation to the members of any parish nomination committee who have courtesy of the Holy Spirit and Google landed here whilst investigating the possibility of David Ould joining their ministry team: you are all more than welcome to contact me to discuss his suitability for the position you have in mind.
Whether you, for example, represent a medium-to-large congregation wishing to downsize by shedding a significant percentage of parishioners; or you are seeking a Minister who considers compulsively Googling his own name as synonymous with “pastoral care”; or you're merely seeking someone not ashamed to do whatever it takes (legal or otherwise) to stop others from laughing at him, I am only to happy to provide a reference outlining the fascinating things I have evidence of little David Ould getting up to – at this point do I need to mention that I have on the very best of legal advice an assurance that truth is a defence against accusations of defamation in both David Ould's jurisdiction and my own?
I’m Father Christian, and I really don’t like Pharisees.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
ACNA Exegesis.
If there’s one thing that really cheers an Old Doctrinal Warrior’s heart in the aftermath of the Great Anglican Schism it’s a good “we wuz robbed” gripe. Mind you, My Beloved Sinners, these are rarer than you might think, since the only laments that really press the bossanova button on my organ are those written by former clergy. The cries of laity now alienated from parishes in which they and their families may have worshipped for generations are too often tinged with sadness to make them truly enjoyable, especially since more often than not they’ve only been caught up in this whole mess as a result of obediently following their parish Priest. Indeed, until he got stinging nettles in his surplice about God’s love for homosexualists they quite probably didn’t even know there was a Bishop of New Hampshire, much less care about any predilection His Grace may have towards musicals featuring Barbra Streisand.
On the other hand, the sounds of wailing and gnashing of teeth coming from those who, having stirred up their congregations to quit the Anglican Communion, are now finding that this also means leaving behind all the property belonging to the wicked, godless, apostate institution they quite happily vowed to serve at the time of their ordination a few years previously are another thing altogether. The most prolific practitioner of this esoterically pleasurable literary form, the delightful little Matt Kennedy, will of course be quite familiar to all Faithful Sinners, but it gives me enourmous pleasure to introduce a new star in the disgruntled Firmament of Orthodoxy – Layman David Wilson of freshly invented ACNA parish of Christ the Redeemer in Canonsburg PA.
Indeed; I can’t recommend his masterpiece of the genre, which can be found here, highly enough. While succinct, it still manages to convey a deep sense of disgruntlement at the consequences of actions undertaken entirely at the behest of the author, who in turn manages to deny all responsibility for how things have worked out. While shrouding the entire mess in a deep cloud of dishonesty - everything I’ve always insisted the Anglican Realignment is about!
Although I must note that it appears to contain just one teensy typo: the second paragraph opens with
I’d also recommend ditching the Matthew 5:40 reference. Like any true Conservative, it’s been a long time since I bothered myself too much with anything in the Gospels, but last time I looked it didn’t seem that Jesus was discussing the return of property to those from whom you’d swiped it. Nor do I recall Him mentioning anything about the owner first needing to sue before Our Lord’s followers should feel any scruples about returning their ill gotten apparel…
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
On the other hand, the sounds of wailing and gnashing of teeth coming from those who, having stirred up their congregations to quit the Anglican Communion, are now finding that this also means leaving behind all the property belonging to the wicked, godless, apostate institution they quite happily vowed to serve at the time of their ordination a few years previously are another thing altogether. The most prolific practitioner of this esoterically pleasurable literary form, the delightful little Matt Kennedy, will of course be quite familiar to all Faithful Sinners, but it gives me enourmous pleasure to introduce a new star in the disgruntled Firmament of Orthodoxy – Layman David Wilson of freshly invented ACNA parish of Christ the Redeemer in Canonsburg PA.
Indeed; I can’t recommend his masterpiece of the genre, which can be found here, highly enough. While succinct, it still manages to convey a deep sense of disgruntlement at the consequences of actions undertaken entirely at the behest of the author, who in turn manages to deny all responsibility for how things have worked out. While shrouding the entire mess in a deep cloud of dishonesty - everything I’ve always insisted the Anglican Realignment is about!
Although I must note that it appears to contain just one teensy typo: the second paragraph opens with
“The Episcopal Diocese sued for our shirt. We hereby give you our coat. Matthew 5:40.”That should actually read “The Episcopal Diocese sued for their shirt”. And while we’re at it, the sentence ought probably also be amended to read: “In deep apprehension of the consequences should we do otherwise, we hereby also give you your coat as ordered by the Allegheny Court of Common Pleas in accordance with the United States Constitution.”
I’d also recommend ditching the Matthew 5:40 reference. Like any true Conservative, it’s been a long time since I bothered myself too much with anything in the Gospels, but last time I looked it didn’t seem that Jesus was discussing the return of property to those from whom you’d swiped it. Nor do I recall Him mentioning anything about the owner first needing to sue before Our Lord’s followers should feel any scruples about returning their ill gotten apparel…
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
Friday, June 1, 2012
In which a sinner's questions are answered...
The following comment recently arrived in response to a homily I delivered way back in October 2008. In order than all My Beloved Sinners might share in the blessings of my wise response, I have generously felt called to share the exchange in a post of its own:
As a Biblical Conservative I always insist people understand that I take the Word of our Saviour St. Paul literally - except, of course, when it comes doing anything inconvenient (not to mention just plain weird), like making vows involving cranial depilation). Consequently when persons of your gender ask questions I usually respond with an instruction that they ask their husband, or whichever other complementarian-with-a-penis owns them. Unless, of course, answering their question will bring sufficient kudos to make it worthwhile contradicting my inviolable convictions – as is the case, for example, when asked questions like “Father Christian Sir, how may I minister to your every need?” Or “Where should I send the keys of the new Ferrari I’ve bought you?”
Now whilst your question clearly falls short of these nobly spiritual examples, and you and the man with whom you intend to become subordinate are shameless about your intention to deprive some Godly Clergyman such as myself the Surplice Fee, Pre-marital counseling charge, Wedding Administration Donation, and Church Premises Usage Offertory (along with the opportunity to further make a fortune in commissions by insisting you only use our authorized florist, photographer, caterer, hair & makeup stylist, wedding cars, and bridal couturier) – all of which comprise an integral part of any genuinely Biblical marriage – I have nonetheless been led by the Generous Righteousness of my heart to answer your questions. No doubt you shall out of gratitude respond appropriately, though you’d better move fast, since summer wedding slots at St. Onuphrius’ are almost all taken, and the Fall weather here in Ichabod Springs can be a little chancy: at that time of year local breezes tend to blow from the direction of the town’s famous pesticide factories, and those brides not going through the motions for the sake of a green card usually become a little upset when blood-red airborne wastes stain their dress and veil. (Nor is releasing doves a wise move: last time someone tried that the entire flock didn’t make it fifty yards before poor little bird cadavers plummeted down upon the happy throng. Fortunately though, the bride and groom came from a long line of Forteans and I was able to convince everybody that what they had just witnessed was an inexplicable omen of unparalleled blessing – thereby earning a further gratuity from the city chamber of commerce, who are always happy to pay a little something to ensure our only major industry continues unimpeded. But I digress…
I’ll begin by addressing your question as to where I “sit on other human rights”. Clearly you have little experience of Biblical Authorities of my renown, but let me be perfectly clear that I have never sat on anyone. Granted, Consuella does from time to time sit on me, but that is totally within the context of a purely Biblical relationship. And there was that one time with Evangelical Eric, but that was at a “Beans ‘n’ Beer” party the Parish held to celebrate one of the Saints’ days, and everyone was sitting on him. Besides; he’s my Curate and I can do with him whatever I like.
Next you ask if I “feel that the right to Nationality is applicable only to specific groups?” That’s a much more complex question, since you fail to say if you are referring to Christian Nations or foreign ones. Obviously only Christians can enjoy the privileges of citizenship in a Christian Nation, since how could an unbeliever ever be expected to understand the joys of paying tithes and listening to interminable expositions of Pauline minutiae? Yet the Scriptures do talk about making foreigners welcome (eg Deut. 10:19 - that’s because Our Loving Book understands how important it is for Christians to have people desperate enough to work for subsistence wages as cab drivers and house maids. Although it’s important to not get carried away here: as any Arizona Conservative will explain, Leviticus 19:34 (“But the stranger that dwelleth with you shall be unto you as one born among you…”) should never be taken literally on account of it not being explicitly about homosexuality.
Lastly, you wonder if I think “it is just that the right to a fair trial should be limited only to a certain group” – let’s just be perfectly clear about this: it’s what the Bible thinks which matters. That the Bible just happens to agree with all of my presuppositions has absolutely nothing to do with the way I choose to interpret the Sacred Words dictated from Heaven to Saint King James (or, if you happen to be reading this from within the Diocese of Mordor, to a uniquely profitable business owned by Archbishop Jensen and his family). So, with this in mind, I would urge any Unbeliever to consider 1 Corinthians 6:1-7, which makes it absolutely clear that legal matters are to be resolved not by pagan secular apostate courts, but by the Church Leadership!
Not, of course, that I expect hearing this marvelous news will bring you any comfort, since clearly you, unlike me, are not sufficiently righteous to have been called to enjoy the power and privilege commensurate with the call to serve god’s sinful flock – and even if you were, the fact that you can’t hygienically urinate while standing in any case precludes you and fifty-something percent of the population from enjoying this particular patriarchal perk. But for those of us who made the right choice vis-à-vis our genitalia it’s perfectly straightforward: any legal matter (and I can’t emphasize this strongly enough – the text of Scripture here makes no distinction whatsoever between civil and criminal matters) involving a Christian can only be decided by a suitable Righteous Christian leader. Like me. Which is why, as I keep telling the godless liberals at Inland Revenue, I can with a perfectly clear conscience insist my returns have been ruled acceptable by the highest court in the nation.
Trusting this clears matters up for you, and brightens whatever brief time you have remaining prior to an eternity in the Fires of Hell.
The Rev. Dr. Father Christian Troll,
(I teach the Bible.)
I (a female) am currently engaged to my partner (a male) - although we are not planning a religious marriage ceremony, we are going to be planning a 'marriage' ceremony of some kind. My sister and her partner (a female) recently came to visit us and we started discussing the countries where same-sex marriage is currently legally recognised. To my surprise and utter dissapointment, there were only 10 countries in the whole world on this list and the UK is not one of them (correct me if I am wrong). I have recently looked into the UK governments same-sex marriage views and was pleased to read that Nick Clegg thought that " although civil partnerships have been a step forward, until same sex marriage is permitted it is impossible to claim gay and straight couples are treated equally."
My sister and her partner are now engaged and as we are living in a 'democratic society' where the human rights act (1998) states that '[one of] your human rights [is]' 'the right to marry and to start a family' (http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Yourrightsandresponsibilities/Findoutaboutyourrights/DG_4002951), I was wondering when my sister and her same-sex partner will have the same 'human rights' as myself and my opposite-sex partner in regards to marriage?
I still find it surprising and am saddened by the thought that in 2012, this most basic human right for same-sex couples is being violated. Given your position on marriage, I was wondering where you sit on other human rights? Do you for example, feel that the right to Nationality is applicable only to specific groups? Do you think it is just that the right to a fair trial should be limited only to a certain group, say heterosexuals?
*****
My Dear Sinnerette,As a Biblical Conservative I always insist people understand that I take the Word of our Saviour St. Paul literally - except, of course, when it comes doing anything inconvenient (not to mention just plain weird), like making vows involving cranial depilation). Consequently when persons of your gender ask questions I usually respond with an instruction that they ask their husband, or whichever other complementarian-with-a-penis owns them. Unless, of course, answering their question will bring sufficient kudos to make it worthwhile contradicting my inviolable convictions – as is the case, for example, when asked questions like “Father Christian Sir, how may I minister to your every need?” Or “Where should I send the keys of the new Ferrari I’ve bought you?”
Now whilst your question clearly falls short of these nobly spiritual examples, and you and the man with whom you intend to become subordinate are shameless about your intention to deprive some Godly Clergyman such as myself the Surplice Fee, Pre-marital counseling charge, Wedding Administration Donation, and Church Premises Usage Offertory (along with the opportunity to further make a fortune in commissions by insisting you only use our authorized florist, photographer, caterer, hair & makeup stylist, wedding cars, and bridal couturier) – all of which comprise an integral part of any genuinely Biblical marriage – I have nonetheless been led by the Generous Righteousness of my heart to answer your questions. No doubt you shall out of gratitude respond appropriately, though you’d better move fast, since summer wedding slots at St. Onuphrius’ are almost all taken, and the Fall weather here in Ichabod Springs can be a little chancy: at that time of year local breezes tend to blow from the direction of the town’s famous pesticide factories, and those brides not going through the motions for the sake of a green card usually become a little upset when blood-red airborne wastes stain their dress and veil. (Nor is releasing doves a wise move: last time someone tried that the entire flock didn’t make it fifty yards before poor little bird cadavers plummeted down upon the happy throng. Fortunately though, the bride and groom came from a long line of Forteans and I was able to convince everybody that what they had just witnessed was an inexplicable omen of unparalleled blessing – thereby earning a further gratuity from the city chamber of commerce, who are always happy to pay a little something to ensure our only major industry continues unimpeded. But I digress…
I’ll begin by addressing your question as to where I “sit on other human rights”. Clearly you have little experience of Biblical Authorities of my renown, but let me be perfectly clear that I have never sat on anyone. Granted, Consuella does from time to time sit on me, but that is totally within the context of a purely Biblical relationship. And there was that one time with Evangelical Eric, but that was at a “Beans ‘n’ Beer” party the Parish held to celebrate one of the Saints’ days, and everyone was sitting on him. Besides; he’s my Curate and I can do with him whatever I like.
Next you ask if I “feel that the right to Nationality is applicable only to specific groups?” That’s a much more complex question, since you fail to say if you are referring to Christian Nations or foreign ones. Obviously only Christians can enjoy the privileges of citizenship in a Christian Nation, since how could an unbeliever ever be expected to understand the joys of paying tithes and listening to interminable expositions of Pauline minutiae? Yet the Scriptures do talk about making foreigners welcome (eg Deut. 10:19 - that’s because Our Loving Book understands how important it is for Christians to have people desperate enough to work for subsistence wages as cab drivers and house maids. Although it’s important to not get carried away here: as any Arizona Conservative will explain, Leviticus 19:34 (“But the stranger that dwelleth with you shall be unto you as one born among you…”) should never be taken literally on account of it not being explicitly about homosexuality.
Lastly, you wonder if I think “it is just that the right to a fair trial should be limited only to a certain group” – let’s just be perfectly clear about this: it’s what the Bible thinks which matters. That the Bible just happens to agree with all of my presuppositions has absolutely nothing to do with the way I choose to interpret the Sacred Words dictated from Heaven to Saint King James (or, if you happen to be reading this from within the Diocese of Mordor, to a uniquely profitable business owned by Archbishop Jensen and his family). So, with this in mind, I would urge any Unbeliever to consider 1 Corinthians 6:1-7, which makes it absolutely clear that legal matters are to be resolved not by pagan secular apostate courts, but by the Church Leadership!
Not, of course, that I expect hearing this marvelous news will bring you any comfort, since clearly you, unlike me, are not sufficiently righteous to have been called to enjoy the power and privilege commensurate with the call to serve god’s sinful flock – and even if you were, the fact that you can’t hygienically urinate while standing in any case precludes you and fifty-something percent of the population from enjoying this particular patriarchal perk. But for those of us who made the right choice vis-à-vis our genitalia it’s perfectly straightforward: any legal matter (and I can’t emphasize this strongly enough – the text of Scripture here makes no distinction whatsoever between civil and criminal matters) involving a Christian can only be decided by a suitable Righteous Christian leader. Like me. Which is why, as I keep telling the godless liberals at Inland Revenue, I can with a perfectly clear conscience insist my returns have been ruled acceptable by the highest court in the nation.
Trusting this clears matters up for you, and brightens whatever brief time you have remaining prior to an eternity in the Fires of Hell.
The Rev. Dr. Father Christian Troll,
(I teach the Bible.)
Monday, April 30, 2012
Ahhh - That's Better!!
To be perfectly honest with you, My Beloved Sinners, the past few weeks have seen me feeling rather flat. No, it’s not that Dr. Harrisburg’s ground-breaking Nuclear Psychiatry (literally so – a team of Russian speleologists have yet to reach the bottom of the crevice which opened up beneath his consulting rooms after the last minor incident with the reactor) has ceased to deliver it’s old familiar warming glow: the cause of my despondency was something much greater than mere radioactive molecular realignment can soothe.
That’s right: I’m talking about the Republicans’ cruel, heartless, and utterly apostate decision to dump Rick Santorum from the Presidential Race. If I hadn’t sold my dear old grandmother’s grave to developers seeking land on which to develop cheap condominiums she’d be rolling in her grave if she could see how her once-grand Old Party turned its back upon the chance to teach those liberal Democrats a thing or two with a Santorum-Bachmann ticket. Although since she – my grandmother, that is, not Michelle Bachmann - probably caused the subsidence responsible for killing several residents and a pair of Mormon missionaries when the entranceway collapsed, as well as for the cracks causing the cheap Chinese cladding to shed asbestos fiber across the childrens’ playground, it’s not as if she’s no longer doing her part to uphold Conservative Republican traditions.
Indeed, things became so glum around these parts that not even a delightful missive from little Matt Kennedy, in which our faux-Kenyan (or was he Ugandan? I can no longer keep up with the neoAfricans' latest canonical nationality-du-jour.) most creatively used little Chuck Murphy’s new Congolese best friends forever as an excuse to gossip about the private affairs of former parishioners, was able to lift my spirits. Although it did serve as refreshing reminder that few things are as effective when it comes to enforcing congregational obedience as threatening to blog about matters shared with one in confidence. And having already broken his Ordination Vows, it’s not as little Matt – or any other faux-clergy – remain bound by archaic notions of clerical confidentiality, do they?
So bad, in fact, did things become - and I’m not proud to confess this to you, My Beloved Sinners, but my repentance would be incomplete were I not to be transparent with you all – that I - yes I – the World’s Leading Doctrinal Warrior – fell into the most pernicious and shameful sin which can ever ensnare any Clergyman. That’s right - I begun spending more time ministering to the people of my parish than sitting in front of my computer screen meandering across the intertubes!
All of which just shows how any of us - even a Righteous Man of God such as myself – can in an instant be taken captive by the Prince of Darkness and seduced into sinning in ways they would normally find repugnant. Evil ways, as it brings me great embarrassment to admit, such as visiting those whom one has been called to serve; even caring for them and - please don’t let any children read this, I implore you - showing an interest in their lives. Or - it would probably be best if any ladies present left the room - helping them experience the love of Christ in every area of their lives!!!
No, My Sinners, the depravity into which I fell was beyond description. Yet - and here I urge you to join with me in rejoicing – all has not been lost, and I now stand before you even more richly cloaked in the gown of Conservative Biblical Righteousness than ever before. For my mojo is back once more, my fingers are flying across the keyboard faster than money-lenders at an evangelical prosperity seminar, and my heart is beating faster than a GAFCON primate with a business-class plane ticket.
And the reason for my deliverance, you ask? Well – aside of course, from own inherent superiority and strength when it comes to overcoming that which would destroy a lesser man's Ministry – the cause of this miracle is nothing more than a humble Jensen house-elf. Although in this case one who is not so much Dobby as Kreacher - albeit less handsome and pleasant of personality, but blessed with a breathtaking sense of his own importance, as well as a total inability to refrain from misrepresenting anyone disagreeing with him (if not just simply attributing to them phrases of his own creation). In other words, a young man who epitomizes every value today’s Conservative Christian Schismatics hold dear! But let me explain…
Listlessly trawling through my once familiar Blogospheric haunts I chanced upon a post at the gentle home of Calamity Jane; a Dreadfully Beloved Sinner who writes from beneath the very shadow of Mordor itself. Wherein I discovered the inspiration for my redemption; a young man slavishly in service of the Lords of Mordor - no, not that young man, but one almost just as dishonest, and quite possibly even more self-opinionated. He was demanding Calamity apologize for a post made some weeks previously in which she suggested an undoubtedly intelligent young woman who serves as an advocate for a delightful variant of Our Lord’s Gospel in which women are eternally consigned to a life of subservience and subjection to the obviously superior goals of men might in reality be - albeit just a little stupid. Or at least profoundly and utterly deceived.
Clicking through to Calamity’s original post brought it all back to my weary memory - I had at the time this was first published left a comment of my own. Not of course, because I will ever admit to seeing anything wrong with Jesus’ message of freedom being twisted into something which controls and subjugates others on account of their gender (or any other God-given trait), but because something in the tragedy that was unwittingly apparent in this woman’s attempt at justifying the consequences of her involvement in the cult of Jensenism touched a part of me which I regret to say has yet - much like our favorite ex-gay campaigner’s sexuality - to fully match my public rhetoric.
In short, I found the Jensenette’s cri de cœur indescribably sad, and I left a comment saying as much. Which, as I ought to have expected, incurred the wrath of some hitherto unknown young fundamentalist man. (Like others, I’ve said this before, but how can I resist noting it yet again – isn’t remarkable how the wrathful internet ejaculations of Biblical Orthodoxy nearly always come from young men??!! No Professor Freud, put your hand down please. We don’t need to hear your explanation again.)
And my goodness, what a special item has this young man – who so delights in the name of George Athas that one of his favorite rhetorical devices involves repeatedly introducing himself – proven to be. Follow our edifying exchange for yourself at Liberal Anglicanism in Sydney… Pie in the Sky if you’re so inclined, and share my wonder at the boy’s total disregard for anything not from his own unique perception of reality. It’s like engaging in dialogue with a painting by Dali. Although absolute self-certainty isn't normally associated with surrealism, and his interpersonal skills incline more towards cubism.
No, little George (who was Ordained Deacon in 2006, so naturally knows everything there is to know about parish ministry, despite never appearing to have actually served in a parish of his own, nor legally ministered his church’s Eucharistic Sacraments, is the kind of person who inspired me to establish the vital internet ministry which is GAFCON, and we are all – even me – eternally indebted for reminding me to leap once more into the mighty fray which is virtual Anglicanism. It’s lads like him who make me proud of my role as the World’s Most Biblical Doctrinal Warrior, and as long as we have them you know there’ll always be a need for me.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
P.S. My muse runs a blog of his own: http://withmeagrepowers.wordpress.com. The title, I believe, is intended to be ironic, so it's probably not a good idea to suggest the reference to "Meagre Powers" might in some way refer to his cult's paucity of any of the qualities normally associated with Our Lord. And should any of you get it into your heads to try and interact with him in any way more meaningful than laying prostrate at his feet in meek and complete agreement... well... just don't say your wise old Father Christian didn't warn you...
That’s right: I’m talking about the Republicans’ cruel, heartless, and utterly apostate decision to dump Rick Santorum from the Presidential Race. If I hadn’t sold my dear old grandmother’s grave to developers seeking land on which to develop cheap condominiums she’d be rolling in her grave if she could see how her once-grand Old Party turned its back upon the chance to teach those liberal Democrats a thing or two with a Santorum-Bachmann ticket. Although since she – my grandmother, that is, not Michelle Bachmann - probably caused the subsidence responsible for killing several residents and a pair of Mormon missionaries when the entranceway collapsed, as well as for the cracks causing the cheap Chinese cladding to shed asbestos fiber across the childrens’ playground, it’s not as if she’s no longer doing her part to uphold Conservative Republican traditions.
Indeed, things became so glum around these parts that not even a delightful missive from little Matt Kennedy, in which our faux-Kenyan (or was he Ugandan? I can no longer keep up with the neoAfricans' latest canonical nationality-du-jour.) most creatively used little Chuck Murphy’s new Congolese best friends forever as an excuse to gossip about the private affairs of former parishioners, was able to lift my spirits. Although it did serve as refreshing reminder that few things are as effective when it comes to enforcing congregational obedience as threatening to blog about matters shared with one in confidence. And having already broken his Ordination Vows, it’s not as little Matt – or any other faux-clergy – remain bound by archaic notions of clerical confidentiality, do they?
So bad, in fact, did things become - and I’m not proud to confess this to you, My Beloved Sinners, but my repentance would be incomplete were I not to be transparent with you all – that I - yes I – the World’s Leading Doctrinal Warrior – fell into the most pernicious and shameful sin which can ever ensnare any Clergyman. That’s right - I begun spending more time ministering to the people of my parish than sitting in front of my computer screen meandering across the intertubes!
All of which just shows how any of us - even a Righteous Man of God such as myself – can in an instant be taken captive by the Prince of Darkness and seduced into sinning in ways they would normally find repugnant. Evil ways, as it brings me great embarrassment to admit, such as visiting those whom one has been called to serve; even caring for them and - please don’t let any children read this, I implore you - showing an interest in their lives. Or - it would probably be best if any ladies present left the room - helping them experience the love of Christ in every area of their lives!!!
No, My Sinners, the depravity into which I fell was beyond description. Yet - and here I urge you to join with me in rejoicing – all has not been lost, and I now stand before you even more richly cloaked in the gown of Conservative Biblical Righteousness than ever before. For my mojo is back once more, my fingers are flying across the keyboard faster than money-lenders at an evangelical prosperity seminar, and my heart is beating faster than a GAFCON primate with a business-class plane ticket.
And the reason for my deliverance, you ask? Well – aside of course, from own inherent superiority and strength when it comes to overcoming that which would destroy a lesser man's Ministry – the cause of this miracle is nothing more than a humble Jensen house-elf. Although in this case one who is not so much Dobby as Kreacher - albeit less handsome and pleasant of personality, but blessed with a breathtaking sense of his own importance, as well as a total inability to refrain from misrepresenting anyone disagreeing with him (if not just simply attributing to them phrases of his own creation). In other words, a young man who epitomizes every value today’s Conservative Christian Schismatics hold dear! But let me explain…
Listlessly trawling through my once familiar Blogospheric haunts I chanced upon a post at the gentle home of Calamity Jane; a Dreadfully Beloved Sinner who writes from beneath the very shadow of Mordor itself. Wherein I discovered the inspiration for my redemption; a young man slavishly in service of the Lords of Mordor - no, not that young man, but one almost just as dishonest, and quite possibly even more self-opinionated. He was demanding Calamity apologize for a post made some weeks previously in which she suggested an undoubtedly intelligent young woman who serves as an advocate for a delightful variant of Our Lord’s Gospel in which women are eternally consigned to a life of subservience and subjection to the obviously superior goals of men might in reality be - albeit just a little stupid. Or at least profoundly and utterly deceived.
Clicking through to Calamity’s original post brought it all back to my weary memory - I had at the time this was first published left a comment of my own. Not of course, because I will ever admit to seeing anything wrong with Jesus’ message of freedom being twisted into something which controls and subjugates others on account of their gender (or any other God-given trait), but because something in the tragedy that was unwittingly apparent in this woman’s attempt at justifying the consequences of her involvement in the cult of Jensenism touched a part of me which I regret to say has yet - much like our favorite ex-gay campaigner’s sexuality - to fully match my public rhetoric.
In short, I found the Jensenette’s cri de cœur indescribably sad, and I left a comment saying as much. Which, as I ought to have expected, incurred the wrath of some hitherto unknown young fundamentalist man. (Like others, I’ve said this before, but how can I resist noting it yet again – isn’t remarkable how the wrathful internet ejaculations of Biblical Orthodoxy nearly always come from young men??!! No Professor Freud, put your hand down please. We don’t need to hear your explanation again.)
And my goodness, what a special item has this young man – who so delights in the name of George Athas that one of his favorite rhetorical devices involves repeatedly introducing himself – proven to be. Follow our edifying exchange for yourself at Liberal Anglicanism in Sydney… Pie in the Sky if you’re so inclined, and share my wonder at the boy’s total disregard for anything not from his own unique perception of reality. It’s like engaging in dialogue with a painting by Dali. Although absolute self-certainty isn't normally associated with surrealism, and his interpersonal skills incline more towards cubism.
No, little George (who was Ordained Deacon in 2006, so naturally knows everything there is to know about parish ministry, despite never appearing to have actually served in a parish of his own, nor legally ministered his church’s Eucharistic Sacraments, is the kind of person who inspired me to establish the vital internet ministry which is GAFCON, and we are all – even me – eternally indebted for reminding me to leap once more into the mighty fray which is virtual Anglicanism. It’s lads like him who make me proud of my role as the World’s Most Biblical Doctrinal Warrior, and as long as we have them you know there’ll always be a need for me.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
P.S. My muse runs a blog of his own: http://withmeagrepowers.wordpress.com. The title, I believe, is intended to be ironic, so it's probably not a good idea to suggest the reference to "Meagre Powers" might in some way refer to his cult's paucity of any of the qualities normally associated with Our Lord. And should any of you get it into your heads to try and interact with him in any way more meaningful than laying prostrate at his feet in meek and complete agreement... well... just don't say your wise old Father Christian didn't warn you...
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