My Personal Pet Bishop

Lambeth has just about ground to a close, and what with all the excitement about little Mark Brewer getting picked on by bloggers I’d just about forgotten the Grand Poobahs of Anglicanism were busy accomplishing nothing in Yabbadabbadoo groups - or whatever it is those peace-loving Zulus used to call the meetings they’d have before unanimously agreeing to slaughter their enemies.

Still, the end of Lambeth has had one important ramification for us here at St. Onuphrius’: it means that the time has come for our visiting GAFCON Bishop, the Rt. Rev. Quinine, to leave us and return to the God-forsaken corner of the Communion from whence we found him. Except as I feared, he now doesn’t want to go, and is pleading that we might let him stay.

It’s all complicated somewhat by Evangelical Eric, who’s been coming along so well under Bishop Quinine’s influence. Eric’s fiancé, Miss Celia Crane recently started working for the parish in our Ceausescu Creche Children’s Facility, where she is responsible for shaking the babies, as well as ensuring toddlers “cry it out of their system” – whatever “it” may be – and they’ve both grown so fond of the old drunkard that they’d be devastated to se him leave.

So since I’m unwilling to lose another Curate so soon into this one’s tenure, and Miss Crane is unquestionably blessed with a gift when it comes to ignoring normal human instincts to show compassion towards infants, I’ve agreed to a compromise solution: Bishop Quinine will stay with us illegally as our Bishop-in-Residence on the condition that when it becomes expedient for us to be associated with mainstream non-schismatic Anglicanism – at such times as when our liberal apostate “real” Bishop visits to bestow handouts, for example – he'll pretend to be the Verger. He’s well aware that at the first hint of any disobedience the Authorities will be notified, and that he’ll be deported, never to return, so I can safely say that I’m now the first GAFCON Rector to have their own personal obedience-trained Bishop. It’ll be like having a pet turtle, but more colourful, less messy, and even more impressive when it’s my turn for show and tell.

I predict that in time there’ll be hundreds of clergy emulating my lead, but for now the thrill of setting a precedent is sending shivers up and down my Righteous Backbone. What’s more, since Bishop Quinine is now an illegal alien I know exactly who to call should he grow annoying and compel me to shoot him in the backside.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.