Traditional African Values

Last night I discovered Evangelical Eric staring with a sweaty brow and clammy palms into my computer. Since the screen was filled with dusky bare-breasted African maidens and tall, firm, virile and bare-chested Zulu warriors, I initially feared the worst – namely that my Curate had been wasting our parish bandwidth when he knows this is expressly reserved for the purpose of my own relentless crusade against sin, but by yelping between my blows the lad was able to explain that he was in fact reading about the Reed Dance a charming traditional Swaziland custom dating all the way back to 1999 involving thousands of young ladies and their breasts.

Now like any true GAFCON Christian, I don’t know very much about the different national and tribal identities throughout Africa, so I’m unsure if this is something Archbishop Akinola customarily attends, or if it’s more up cheeky +Orombi’s alley. Yet I do know that a marvellously arousing piece from the Swazi Observerexplains that this week “more than 130,000 women sang and danced on end as they strutted their stuff in front of the audience.” One member of the audience, Professor Abraham Jibowro from Nigeria, said “culture should be preserved because it defines Africa” - a statement with which there can be absolutely no question Big Pete wholeheartedly agrees. As the Observer says, this event gives maidens from all over Africa “a chance to show the audience what they were made of” and that young African women are so freely given this opportunity - in contrast to our own unbiblical opposition to topless dancing - only highlights the west's rampant immorality.

Having discussed this with Consuella and the sweet sisters of the Pole-dancing Fellowship (who have extensive experience in dancing without mammarial coverings or support), we have decided to hold our own Reed Dance here at St. Onuphrius every Friday night as a sign of solidarity with our faithful African GAFCON leaders. Brother Richthofen and his friends from Seminary have some acquaintances who will look splendid as the male dancers, and they explained to me that authentic Zulu warriors have always really worn studded leather cod-pieces, and not the grass-skirt things in the pictures Evangelical Eric was enjoying. As the lads said, this way our Reed Dance will indeed be a reflection of the full breadth of traditional African hospitality and companionship.

Tickets to the new Friday night service, which include a complimentary beer on entry, are a mere $15; 80% of which goes directly to the performers liturgical assistants. Additional refreshments will be available from our fully stocked bar, and the dancers have all expressed an eagerness to offer private shows and counseling to any members of the congregation seeking more intimate ministry in return for an appropriate tithe.

I know it’s short notice, but I’ve also written to little Martyn Minns, inviting him to co-officiate on behalf of his own diocese. I’ve no doubt he will be deeply touched as a result of our sensitive recognition of African customs and spirituality. Naturally I’ll post any response here, although given his humility and complete absence of ambition it wouldn’t surprise me if he just arrived unannounced. Wearing a wig and dark glasses, of course, and insisting that his name is “John”.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.