Catching Up.

Like any conservative Rector, I’m a great believer in micro-managing my staff. It’s the little things that keep them on their toes and feeling incompetent, like ignoring the message of a brilliant sermon to focus upon a point somewhere about five minutes in (never be precise in your criticisms) when a more mature preacher would have momentarily paused before continuing. Similarly, always ‘find’ blemishes upon their vestments immediately prior to the service commencing (keep a small bag of dirt in your pocket for this purpose): that way no matter how well they perform you can always bring them back down to earth afterwards by warning them of the number of complaints parishioners made about their slovenly appearance.

Similarly, a Bible-believing Leader must never miss an opportunity to make mountains out of mole-hills. The finest example of this strategy was sent to me by a thoroughly scurrilous escaped prisoner of Jensenland, who recounted how the slum-lord Suffragan Bishop of South Sydney Robert Forsyth (known colloquially as “Bishop Falstaff” on account of his discerning palate) once spent an entire hour-long meeting ignoring the content and findings of a 12 page report – which had taken almost a month to compile – to quiz the author at length upon their choice of font and text size. Honestly, my Dearly Beloved Sinners, if all clergy could aspire to standards like this the apostate liberals would have all been driven away years ago!

Consequently these last few days I’ve been terrifically busy nit-picking over everything done while I was bed-ridden: anyone seeing how thoroughly I’ve meddled in the minutiae of ministry would think this was San Joaquin in the good old days before little David Schofield became preoccupied with losing court cases. This has, however, meant I’ve found myself unfortunately short of time when it comes to following the Glorious Global Schism’s latest developments.

Nevertheless, in a refreshingly vicious quarrel at Viagraville (do they have any other type of interactions there?), which was pointed out to me by a Most Fondly Beloved Sinner, little Matt Kennedy has managed to insult two of Conservatism’s most famous educational institutions, as he has every right to given his obviously superior ministry experience (how many church properties have they managed to unsuccessfully steal, and what kind of prison time are they facing for having goofed around with TEC assets?). Things turned really exciting when Dean Munday of Nashotah House (where I’ve been told students' quarters are equipped with positively palatial closets) remarked “Golly, if only I had known sooner how much slander against Nashotah House our advertising on Stand Firm was helping to support!” - which in turn was met by the most pleasantly sycophantic response from little Greg Griffith I’ve seen in a long time.

Naturally little Matt wasn’t threatened with a banning, because Viagraville would never ban anyone for something like that, and the idea of them having different rules for their own is simply ridiculous. As is the notion that Nashotah would ever spend their money elsewhere. They’re as eager to see themselves closed down and converted into the “Primate Duncan Institute for Selective Bible Study and Eyebrow Care” as little Bobby himself is.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.