Dear ‘Bishop’ Minns,
As The Lord has undoubtedly already informed you, for the past twenty-four hours I have been smitten by an influenza virus so virulent that until medical experts convinced me otherwise I believed I’d been captured by Apostate Liberals and was being broken at the wheel.
Fortunately ample doses of paracetamol have reduced my fever to somewhere between ‘nuclear’ and ‘molten’, and a combination of steroids so lavish that an Eastern bloc Olympic team would have been envious, has controlled the ancillary respiratory complications to the point where breathing no longer invokes auditory images of Darth Vader. With a juicily phlegmatic cough. (Hey – if Prostate Pete can discuss his you-know-what I’m allowed to tell people about my sputum.)
We both know there are dark spiritual forces behind this attack on the Wisest Christian in Orthodoxy; forces which Bible-denying westerners have ignored in their futile pursuit of humanist notions like academic honesty and scientific impartiality. Sure, we’ve eliminated smallpox, but who in TEC - or anywhere else among the god-forsaken revisionists - is taking seriously the very real threat posed by demonic witch-children?
While trawling through YouTube in search of a gentle melody to ease my aching bones and remind me of my feelings for all of you in ACNA, I chanced to discover this inspiring video of Nigerian Christians fighting for the right to maim, torture, and kill children.
Now I realise none of these loving servants of Our Lord are Anglicans, but I can’t help noticing that neither authentic Nigerian Clergy, such as Big Pete Akinola, nor faux-Nigerians like yourself have uttered so much as one word in opposition to this reign of paediatric terror. Consequently I can only conclude that you and your colleagues are aware there might be something in all this ranting about innocent infants engaging in a demonic attack upon crazed Bible-believers.
Which brings us to the point of why I’m writing to you, my dear little Martyn. Lately I’ve noticed a number of children “playing” in the grounds of a nearby child-care facility, and I’m becoming increasingly convinced that their evil is the real cause of my current malaise. Consequently I’d very much appreciate if you forwarded me some DNA samples from yourself and other leading Nigerian clergy, so that after the problem has been dealt with in an authentically Christian Nigerian fashion – by hacking the little ones to pieces with machetes and then setting fire to their limbless (but still conscious) bodies – this can then be planted at the scene to male it look like you and your fellow clergy are responsible.
After all; it’s not as if your hands aren’t already smeared with the blood of countless African children. What’s that of a few more from Ichabod Springs?
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.