Sunday, August 9, 2009

An Open Letter to Martyn Minns.

Dear ‘Bishop’ Minns,

As The Lord has undoubtedly already informed you, for the past twenty-four hours I have been smitten by an influenza virus so virulent that until medical experts convinced me otherwise I believed I’d been captured by Apostate Liberals and was being broken at the wheel.

Fortunately ample doses of paracetamol have reduced my fever to somewhere between ‘nuclear’ and ‘molten’, and a combination of steroids so lavish that an Eastern bloc Olympic team would have been envious, has controlled the ancillary respiratory complications to the point where breathing no longer invokes auditory images of Darth Vader. With a juicily phlegmatic cough. (Hey – if Prostate Pete can discuss his you-know-what I’m allowed to tell people about my sputum.)

We both know there are dark spiritual forces behind this attack on the Wisest Christian in Orthodoxy; forces which Bible-denying westerners have ignored in their futile pursuit of humanist notions like academic honesty and scientific impartiality. Sure, we’ve eliminated smallpox, but who in TEC - or anywhere else among the god-forsaken revisionists - is taking seriously the very real threat posed by demonic witch-children?

While trawling through YouTube in search of a gentle melody to ease my aching bones and remind me of my feelings for all of you in ACNA, I chanced to discover this inspiring video of Nigerian Christians fighting for the right to maim, torture, and kill children.

Now I realise none of these loving servants of Our Lord are Anglicans, but I can’t help noticing that neither authentic Nigerian Clergy, such as Big Pete Akinola, nor faux-Nigerians like yourself have uttered so much as one word in opposition to this reign of paediatric terror. Consequently I can only conclude that you and your colleagues are aware there might be something in all this ranting about innocent infants engaging in a demonic attack upon crazed Bible-believers.

Which brings us to the point of why I’m writing to you, my dear little Martyn. Lately I’ve noticed a number of children “playing” in the grounds of a nearby child-care facility, and I’m becoming increasingly convinced that their evil is the real cause of my current malaise. Consequently I’d very much appreciate if you forwarded me some DNA samples from yourself and other leading Nigerian clergy, so that after the problem has been dealt with in an authentically Christian Nigerian fashion – by hacking the little ones to pieces with machetes and then setting fire to their limbless (but still conscious) bodies – this can then be planted at the scene to male it look like you and your fellow clergy are responsible.

After all; it’s not as if your hands aren’t already smeared with the blood of countless African children. What’s that of a few more from Ichabod Springs?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

6 comments :

motheramelia said...

You really are a naughty man, but enjoy the way you make your points. Hope your flu goes away quickly and the local children keep the noise level down. Don't want to read about massacres.

Fred Schwartz said...

Maybe if Minns and Akinola had a Crystal Cathedral they would learn that people in glass houses should not throw stones!
I suspect that they will have the money shortly, just about the timethey stop using all the funds from old TEC parishes and diocese to line thier pockets long enough to build it.

Father David Heron said...

+Graham Dow, the former Bishop of Carlisle (UK) used to teach that "the Devil enters a man up his bottom". This can produce symptoms known medically as "Satan's Prostate Syndrome". The patient displays aches and pains, delusions of grandeur and speaking in mumbo-jumbo. Strangely, Nigerians like Minns and Big Pete seems genetically programmed to catch it, along with all men who used to be gay. May I suggest, Father, you ask a doctor to discover by what orifice your virus entered your body. Your millions of students would be mortified if they thought you might go mad.
Get well soon.

cryptogram said...

What is is with corporal orifices and bishops? St Jerome believed that the Blessed Virgin was fertilised through the ear. There was of course an important theological issue in this (whether the divine Logos was the agent of his own incarnation). I can't imagine what Bishop Dow's point was, unless it was that charismatics can be a pain in the arse.

Leonardo Ricardo said...

Oh the ¨massacre of Yelwa¨ comes to mind...

Doorman-Priest said...

Look, the Bible says "Suffer Little Children.." and you know that we are in obedience to scripture.