Saturday, October 25, 2008

Persecuted for Righteousness’ Sake

My Dearly Beloved Wicked Faithless Evildoers,

Goodness me the past few days have been a drama. There I was, simply researching the vexing issues concerning western inter-species relationships touched upon (in a purely figurative sense) by Archdeacon Ilogu of Nigeria, and the next thing I knew all hell had broken loose.

Firstly there was the minor matter of a little trouble with police and customs authorities regarding some research material I ordered: never one to waste parish funds I ordered not just single copies of “Happy Hausfraus with Horses” and “Hard Studs and Stallions” from my favorite East-European supply firm, but instead, as any responsible steward would do, six cases of each. In a classic example of how the tentacles of apostate liberalism have permeated our society, a number of law enforcement personnel mistakenly inferred my responsible use of church resources represented an attempt to import marketable quantities of the aforementioned research materials, which resulted in my spending several days in detention until Consuella’s relatives were able to have the matter quietly sorted out with a small case of bullion and some incriminating photos of the District Attorney.

The joy that accompanies my having been like the apostles imprisoned for the sake of the Gospel and my own righteousness has, however, been sadly tempered by the tragic news that Alan Greenspan (a man almost as cheerfully handsome as myself) has been accused of making errors. Not only is Mr. Greenspan a fine Christian gentleman blessed with the same unerringly compassionate economic wisdom as President George W. Bush himself, but he even was even
knew personally
the most beautiful, gracious, caring, sensitive and Christian woman who ever lived – the utterly delightful Ayn Rand.

While not exactly renowned for her support of the Church (doubtless due to reappraisers and their inability to comprehend the need for evangelism and outreach), there can be no doubt of the lady’s sainthood, and to learn upon my release that a member of her close circle was being forced to admit he made “mistakes” is more than any Bible-believing Doctrinal Warrior could have imagined. The world really is going to hell in a handbasket – next thing somebody will be claiming Obama is leading McCain in the polls.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Leonard said...

Oh, yes, I knew that the dear, righteous, Lithuanian Orthodox, man would fall on his sword for the those greedriven poor people that he tried to help by frisking them before valuables. There is no good in the outcome of such selfless self-seeking...even you have been touched by the unfairness of it all.

Me, I just lost a pension for being president of a kicked in when I was 65 last month yet somehow has been lost in the mail...we´ll see, as I know President McPalin will want to know as soon as he starts reshuffling through the White House.

Kirkepiscatoid said...

My goodness, I can't see what all the fuss was over a few animal husbandry tracts, Fr. C....

Марко Фризия said...

Father Christian, I am prostrate with weeping, contemplating the vile indignities you may have suffered in a dank prison shower. I do hope you found ways to minister to your fellow prisoners. I fear your thinking is confused due to the duress of your unjust imprisonment. The economic wisdom of Presiding Father George W. Bush, Abbess Ayn Rand, and Archbishop Alan Greenspan is actually more about the "conservation of compassion" than "compassionate conservatism." You accidentally reversed things, no doubt due to stress. These three moral exemplars have not made any errors. Things have certainly trickled upwards as planned. This economic philosophy has its roots in the "freude durch kraft" (joy through strength) movement thought up by some rather creative and vigorous Bavarian christians in the last century. And I, you will be pleased to know, have managed to find some common ground with Arch Ilogu and Arch Akinola. I do believe that homosexual acts are indeed gravely sinful, but only if they are done poorly. I remain your faithful Balkan Bible student.

Anonymous said...

I do believe that homosexual acts are indeed gravely sinful, but only if they are done poorly.¨Марко Фризия

Makes me shiver.

Vernon Freelonger

Cany said...

Poor misunderstood Ayn and Greenspan. Those trusting soldiers of concern for all the poor and wretched in this world. Their trickling is world famous.

Greenspan was shocked... SHOCKED I tell you to find that money grubbers have no conscience. Can you imagine? Why would they ever disappoint this fine sucker, err man.

I still think we should only let land owners and the most wealthy vote. Feudalism wasn't that bad.

Afterall, how in the world are we of wealth and nobility (who are, of course the most God-fearing) to control those others?

I am just disgusted that that some inherently stupid people would presume to disagree with Ayn's perfect theories.

God is no doubt already starting an advanced rapture. God has told me, personally, that some will disappear on November 4th.

Mark my prophetic words on that date. And you heard it here first because God talks to me.

That Alaska gas pipeline? Oh, Sarah got it all wrong. She was tuned in to a different channel. I think that bewitching went awry.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...


Who mentioned anything about ice-play?

Lynn said...

Fr. Christian,

No doubt you bought multiple copies as course materials for an upcoming adult education class on Wickedness, Beastiality and Biblical Truth.

Is the authorization to purchase materials for the class noted in the vestry minutes? If not, there is no excuse for sloppy record-keeping, so make sure the appropriate corrections are made. Don't forget to include those dog treats for the clinical experiment, one must take care of these things while they are fresh in mind and your memory is sharp.