Sunday, October 19, 2008

“White people are not good Christians”

Lately my Ask Father Christian service has been getting quite a few nasty emails from deranged non-Christians (who obviously don’t have Dragon-free genitals) accusing me of racism.

The trigger for this obviously deranged accusation appears to have been my important African GAFCON Leaders series, and I must stress that nothing could be further from the truth. Indeed, I make no apology for openly supporting these black teachers, who are boldly shaping the Church’s future in ways that not even Jesus could have imagined.

Besides, it’s plain to see that there’s not a racist nerve to be found anywhere within the GAFCON body. Old colonial notions of color and superiority have been consigned to the past as Bible-believers from both sides of the historic east-west divide come together to share their fears, prejudices, homophobia, and deep dislike of women who believe they can be Bishops.

As proof of this new miracle of the Spirit I’d like to share the wisdom of the Venerable Daniel Ilogu of Okrika Anglican Diocese, Rivers State Nigeria. When asked the sensitive question "Why did white people get involved in the gay issue?" by an interview from the Nigerian Sunday Sun, the profound Archdeacon gave the following insightful reply:
"They are very funny people. They keep animals as pets. They kiss animals and carry them like humans. As for their human level, I don’t know what to say, but their Christian level is another thing. They are not good Christians. This is why they are re-evangelizing them. We have our ministers in Britain, America and all parts of the world who are re-evangelizing the white people."
The rest of the article is just as insightful, and people can read it for themselves here - although I would recommend anyone with a digestive disorder (or any other complaint making it hard to keep food down) just takes my word for it.

And now I must run – my precious two hounds need a walk and we’d like to spend some time playing in the park before coming home and cuddling up on the sofa together in prayerful thanks that men like Archdeacon Ilogu are re-evangelizing the west.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

11 comments :

Марко Фризия said...

Comrade Christian, I respect you because you teach Bible and are no respecter of persons. I have question. I am white male, Christian, and make fluent practitioning of homosexual skills many long years with boyfriend, Nikolai. Sometime when boyfriend goes away working with Bulgarian Army reserves, our dog, Sarah Putin (she is fine bitch!), sleeps at foot of the bed on Nikolai's side. Although I much love dogs, I do not molest them or make vulgar conversations with them. Is allowing pet dog animal in my bed only for sleep, technically, bestial sin? Or is it only bestial sin in places like Fairfax Virginia, and Nigeria, but not in places like Bistritza Gardens, Orange County, and Studentski grad? Also, can you tell me if it is illegal to talk to dog at lunch in Nigeria or is that only the gays? I await your wise answer!

Robert said...

Mark is a wonderful Christian man and I'm glad he found his was here, to like the rest of us, await eagerly the Biblical pronouncements of the Greatest Doctrinal Warrior of the Ages.

Father David Heron said...

In his condemnation of decadent westerners, distinguised Archdeacon Ilogu fails to make a distinction between cat and dog lovers. In my experience, all people who own cats are gay, and therefore are worthy of the Archdeacon's ire. Obviously he hasn't met a perverted cat-lover, as there are no gays in Africa. What puzzles me, therefore, is how a personage as eminent as "anti-gay" Pope Benedict loves to go to bed with his pussy. Is the Archdeacon condemning the Holy Father?

Leonardo Ricardo said...

Holy Animal Rescue! Does this mean that my beloved Fido Gonzales, a rescued/adopted Old English Sheep Dog ought not lounge about my bedroom with Dulce Serena de Gonzalez? I do have a King sized bed (even though I´ve been called a Queen by jealous/visious morons and spiritless hatefilled religious types) and we, including myself, Carlos and doggies, all respect our assigned locations on and around the bed...perhaps the good Archdeacon Ilogugical might think of all the extra SECURITY a BIG dog provides when he ponders our closeness to pets! Safe and sound as the Archdeacon says he is in Africa he may not need such a BIG defender (afterall Akinolas BOOMING voice ought ward off evilstuff)...perhaps the Archdeacon might consider keeping Lions chained at the High Alter to keep LGBT ANGLICANS from taking Communion? One can´t be too careful these days/daze when promoting insanity at Church!

Two Cents said...

Well - I guess I'm boned. Once, while cuddling with one of my 5 cats, one of my 2 dogs attempted the "mount of great affection". Both animals are male, as am I. While I quickly put an end to the intentions, upon being alerted by the cat's protestation, I'm sure the Archdeacon would see me as being so defiled by encouraging such festivities by housing such abominable creatures, as I would be counted among the irredeemable. I do comfort myself, however, with a thought I'm sure the Archdeacon would understand just fine - that is the thought that should I be among those "left behind", my pets could become as livestock in a pinch. I only carry them because exercise makes the meat tough and cuddling is as "tenderizing" to the Caucasian, western urban livestock farmer.

Cany said...

Indeed. Anyone who loves God's creations--dogs and cats--must be out of their minds.

Taken to its logical conclusion, he might want to get rid of all of God's creations other than we obviously superior humans with the faculties to invent human marvels like nuclear bombs.

Anonymous said...

My Father Christian

Sir, I know you love and pay honour to the Bible and I too love pets and will kiss and please them if it be not watching by any other.

Today I request for your ssistance because I believe that you are not going to betray the trust which I wish to lie on top of you.

I dear Beloved pray all is well with you and others with members of your big family.

My name is Orgy I am 20 years old and the only daughter of my late parents Mr. and Mrs. Borgee. My father was a highly reputable busnness magnet-(a cocoa merchant) who operated in the capital of Ivory Coast during his days.

It is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously in Paris (France) during one of his business trips abroad on 12the November 2005. My only happiness was him having gay time.

My mother died when I was just 6 years old, by lion, and since then my father took me so special as for luck.

Before the death of my Father on November 12th 2005 he called the secretary who accompanied him to the hospital and told her that he has the sum of (USD$17.5 000 000) Seventeen Milion five hundred thousand dollars left in a metalic trunk box, wich he deposited in a Security Company here in abidjan, that he registered it as family valuable items for security reasons, he told the secretary
that I should contact the Company for them to know me as his next of kin wich I have did as he instructed.

He also told the secretary that I should not let any of his relations to know about this because he was kiled by them and if they know about it, that they will do nothing but to kill me (also with lion) in order to take hold of every thing in the box.

He told her that I should seek, a foriegn partner abroad who will help look after my box.

My dear Bible teacher, this is why I have come in contact with you in order to help me retreive that trunk from the Security Companys custody and send it direct to your country and also to make an arrangement for me on how I will come over to your country in other to continue my Love and Education and also to go into relationship with you. I am still a child but have good affection and I don't know any thing about the love or business but my box will surely give you pleasure.

Now permit me to ask these few questions:

1. Can I completely trust you?
2.Can you accept me as your own blood Sister (Or Doughter)?
3.What percentage of the total amount in question will be good for you?

Consider this and get back to me as soon as possible with your full assurance that you will not disapoint me in this issue so that i can give you the contact of the Security Company for you to contact them on how the trunk box will be retreived from their custody and deliver to your country.

Thank you so much for your understanding and may almighty God bless you and your Family to the Glory of God Almighty,

My sincere regards,

Orgy

Николай Cергеевич Петров said...

Father Christian, I came home early from military reserve duty and found that my Amerikan boyfriend (very much versatile in homosexual arts, sciences, and letters) has been sleeping in bed with our dogs Sarah Putin and sometimes little Pushkin (but rarely with Boris-Jack who drools and has flatus when sneezing) while I am away with the Army. They do this right in our Martha Stewartski sheets from Tesco, souvenir of impromptu UK visit! Is this, indeed, as venerable African father says, immoral, "white-people style" perversion sin. Or is Marko just lonely for me and kindly to dogs following example of renaissance-era monk who was named for homosexual city in North Kalifornia? This question of bestial sin is now enlarged to international incident causing great consternation and uncertainty on multiple continents involving Africans, Tesco store chain, shadowy Nigerian petrol interests, U.S. Department of Homeland Sekurity, and fundamentalist christians at True-Oh Parish in Genuine Kommonwealth of Virginia. I prayerfully await your guidance, Father Christian. Please advise.

Robert said...

Welcome home Nikolai!

Jim said...

Does this mean that the uber holy folk who have been lead by Bp. Minns to discover their African roots must give up their pets? When will his self-proclaimed orthodox-ness tell them? That should be an interesting meeting to attend!

FWIW
jimB

Anonymous said...

Fr. Christian. Now considering the archdeacon's words, I find my conscience uneasy about my own concupiscence. Although I have no pets, my conscience is not clear. It is due to allergy rather than desire. I would have them if I could have them and I fear this sin of desire. I did wonder though, if I limited their environs to my kitchen and tack room, would that mitigate the sin of desire?

On another issue... My friend has a service dog. She keeps it in her home (something about alerting her to a potential seizure after her car accident and it really can call 911). Do I need to alert her to the perils of this relationship and the potential danger to her soul? She will perversely complain that she needs the dog to keep her alive, but what's really important here her meager life on earth now, already so worthless due to her brain and other injuries incurred in the accident, or her life in the world to come? Would you please advise? Your obedient servant EPfizH