Reform catches Duncan Fever

When it comes to being eccentric nobody beats a loony Brit, and in the nation that gave the world both British-Israelism and Ozzy Osbourne it takes a fair bit of work to stand out from the crowd. Yet that’s just what the Cromwellians-for-Jesus Reform have managed to do.

Speaking at their annual conference, chairevangelical (somehow I can never bring myself to use the word “man” in relation to these vacuously smiling victims of arrested hormonal development in open-neck shirts and cardigans) Rod Thomas tried to show he’s just as grown up as little Bobby Duncan by threatening that “3,000 Church of England worshippers may defect to overseas provinces” if he and his fellow nutters aren’t granted alternate Episcopal oversight.

What he neglected to mention, of course, is that it appears they’ll already have the option for alternate oversight in the form of “Flying Bishops” (who only resemble the “The Flying Nun” when attending private parties at Walsingham), which will be appointed for those afraid of catching girl cooties from a female prelate. So why the need for yet another British alternative?

The answer goes to the heart of what will eventually divide the current schism in much the way that certain amoeba and bacteria also reproduce: namely that Reform, like all the other neo-Jensen groups, have absolutely nothing in common with the Forward in Faith Catholics other than that they both hate queers and women. So while they’re happy to trade votes with all the fellows threatening to swim the Tiber if not given their own way, they would sooner eat their own hands than sit down and break bread them. Remember, these are fellows who think little Pete Jensen is being awfully clever by secretly permitting lay presidency. The last thing any of them want is some repressed old thing in more frills than Barbara Cartland overseeing their Puritan Bible barns.

Unlike the United States and (possibly) Canada there’s no question of anyone in Britain taking church property with them when they leave. ++Cantaur might often seem like a silly old duffer lost in the clouds, but he’s certainly not fooled about that one. Little Rod Thomas can rant all he likes; while it’s a certainty his followers will be impressed (since that’s the sort of thing that attracted them in the first place) there’s not a single reason for anyone else to take him seriously. Unlike George Whitefield, whom the members of Reform undoubtedly admire (and not just because of the impressive number of slaves he owned), it’s doubtful any of them have the faith to leave the church they obviously can’t stand. Besides, if they didn’t have the rest of us to complain about somebody might expect them to actually do something.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.