Sunday, October 12, 2008

My Latest Ministry Innovation

Yesterday I received an email offering financial reward in return for writing and publishing a review of somebody’s product and web site. Now as the product in question was a “non-medical program for curing facial tics and other Tourette’s-related problems in children” (I give you my word I’m not making this up!) I felt uncharacteristically bound to decline the proposal: if God hadn’t meant us to deal with these things medically we wouldn’t have been given electrodes and James Dobson.

Still, the idea of incorporating Biblical Teaching with paid advertising has merit, and I’ve begun working on ways of including promotional material and product placement in sermons, which if properly applied has the potential to revolutionise parish finances around the world.

As a result of this inspired breakthrough St. Onuphrius’ sermons will in future be featuring advertising for which marketers are charged according a sliding scale: cheapest will be simple product endorsements (“While enjoying the hearty new McFester Burger for lunch last Wednesday, the Lord showed me that… ”), followed by product placement (instead of a plain glass of water, or in Bishop Quinine’s case rubbing alcohol, our preachers will now refresh themselves from prominently displayed bottles of whichever beverage manufacture is the highest bidder) and branding (given Nike’s commitment to Gospel values and human rights I’m hoping to strike a deal which involves their logo being embroidered upon the altar cloth and all our vestments in place of the cross – a nice big swoosh would look quite sporting across the back of my Chasuble when consecrating).

The next tier is a direct recommendation from the pulpit, which for a further fee can be accompanied by Biblical endorsement (Isaiah 26:27 teaches that the Lord makes the way of the righteous smooth, and nothing’s as smooth as Dungbeetle Toilet Tissue, so it stands to reason that if your household isn’t using Dungbeetle you’re just not righteous.”)

At the highest level comes simple coercion, where it is simply demand all parishioners purchase a given quantity of a product or else be damned for all eternity. This should prove particularly useful for anyone wishing to ensure their book reaches the best-seller lists, or that a movie achieves a record-level opening gross. After all, if this strategy works for Tom Wright and J.I. Packer how can it fail to succeed for everyone else?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Laura Toepfer said...

Your reference to Dr. James Dobson takes me back to my own childhood when my parents bought his advice book "The Strong-Willed Child." I was sure you, too, would appreciate this book when I read this four-star review for it on Amazon:

"What a Godly Man for our times"
By Micheal Finn

It is so good to hear that there remain God-fearing people who are beating Christ's love into children. As I punished myself for my own impure thoughts, I was struck by how much better it would be to have a stern but loving man like Dr. Dobson administering the punishment to my red and swollen buttocks.

Anonymous said...

A visit to +Tom Wright's study reveals a vast library with thousands of his own books displayed. His own picture adorns every wall and, when he offers you a coffee, he places the cup on a coaster which also displays his bearded face.As people around the world admire your own devout viasage, Dr Troll, it is time you produced Troll merchandise to be franchised throughout the Church. In that way, our parishioners could be assured that our teaching is 'sound'.

Two Cents said...

Fr. David - what an excellent idea. I'll go one further and suggest we adorn our chasubles and albs with the image of our most valiant and wise teacher. Chalices with the teacher's face sternly glaring at each communicant.