Wednesday, October 8, 2008

GAFCON Ministry Possibilities

Talking yesterday about the veritable goldmine of creationism just waiting for the Anglican Communion to begin effectively exploiting started me thinking, and another marvellous opportunity for us to exploit the gullible came to mind - End Times Teaching.

I must confess that this was also suggested to me some time ago in an email from Robert a fine young reader who was curious about what implications the marvelous world of what we all too readily intellectualise as “Eschatology” have for those of us who are part of God’s One True and Faithful Church.

Now from the outset let me stress that hypothesizing upon “the Last Things” is for many otherwise inferior denominations the heart and soul of their Minister’s Lear Jet, not to mention the other essential accoutrements of modern populist preaching. As Anglicans we are, of course, above such novelties and gewgaws, preferring instead to more maturely invest what we can squirrel away, but the principle remains the same: there are enormous fortunes to be made in inventing outlandish interpretations of such Scriptures as the Revelation to St. John, or Daniel, and given how creative we’ve managed to be with subject of homosexuality or, for that matter, Ordination, there’s simply no excuse for us not to be similarly leading the world when it comes to scaring the wits out of the gullible with talk of the antichrist.

For an example of what can be achieved just look no further than Hal Lindsey, author of that seminal work on the subject, The Late Great Planet Earth. Now despite being sillier than a Scientologist watching a Tom Cruise movie, and considerably less Biblically literate, this book has managed to sell over thirty-five million copies since it was first published in 1970. Or if it’s young people you’re trying to reach, take the Left Behind series: is it any wonder that after buying all 16 volumes of this thing kids are addled enough to think joining True Love Waits or Silver Ring Thing is going to stop teen pregnancies. Hang on – there’s another great idea for an area Anglicans need to start exploiting! Perhaps Consuella’s Pole-dancers’ Fellowship can help get our own version of these going on behalf of the GAFCON primates…

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Fred Schwartz said...

You have missed one of the all time greats, Elmer Gantry. Here is but one of the opportunities should you head in this direction.

Lulu Bains: Oh, he gave me special instructions back of the pulpit Christmas Eve. He got to howlin' "Repent! Repent!" and I got to moanin' "Save me! Save me!" and the first thing I know he rammed the fear of God into me so fast I never heard my old man's footsteps!

Anonymous said...

Dr Troll
You forgot +Tom Wright, star of the Colbert Report. He informed the world of its imminent End, and yet still had time to sign 100 million copies of his crappy book.

Two Cents said...

I once wrote a book entitled, "Wrap Your Legs Around Your Ears and Kiss Your Ass for Jesus Cause You're Screwed If You're Not Sinless". It was originally written in Germain Swahili and then it was an amazing seller. Akinola himself bought 30,000 copies after reading it then mailed copies to, strangely enough, every parish that was and has become a Gafcon congregation.
OOOPS ! damn – I b

Cany said...

I dunno... want a large charge, contact Sarah Palin or her preacher (well until a year or so ago) at the Wasilla Assemblies of God.

They have the line on end times... just ask em.