Sunday, October 26, 2008

Bestiality Sunday

After all my research I’m pleased to announce that in addition to my other academic accolades I should now also be considered the World’s Leading Authority on Inter-species Sexuality and the Bible. In celebration of this fact here at St. Onuphrius’ we’ve decided to call today “Bestiality Sunday”, and have door-knocked every house and business in the neighborhood, inviting people to bring their pets, livestock, and children along to our special Morning Outreach Service.

Naturally the lassies from Consuella’s Poledancers’ Fellowship have generated significant interest among local workshops and factories (several girls have incorporated large snakes into their routines as part of a most enchanting means of bringing sections of Genesis to life), while I’ve been making all sorts of new friends among families excited to welcome me into their homes when I appear on their doorstep with some of the more impressive pieces from my gun collection.

The beauty of this particular topic is that the Bible is so unequivocal: “Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to death” (Exodus 22:19). Dogs, cats, porcupines and gerbils are all fine – but beasts are expressly forbidden. Even aardvarks and crustaceans seem acceptable (although eating them afterwards isn’t permitted), but beasts are out of the question

Which just goes to show how few people in these terrible times have any understanding of what the Bible really says, since all the recent bother over my pastoral research material even caused my apostate liberal Bishop to call, although he was quickly dissuaded from getting too disturbed by a reminder that the Ugandans are currently getting so upset about their currently coming a distant third to ++Venables and ++Akinola in the GAFCON gold rush that they’re accepting anyone, and did he really want me to discover the Spirit calling St. Onuphrius’ to bring Idi Amin’s heritage to the west?

No; when the Bible uses the term “beast” Faithful Christian Scholars throughout history have known this is a reference to the terrible creature of Revelation 13 (I know there’s actually 2 beasts mentioned here, but don’t bother me with nit-picking specifics at this point) which is actually the Roman Catholic Church. Anyone foolish enough to question this can (in whatever time remains before their condemnation to an eternity of hell-fire) answer me this: if the Romans weren’t a wicked counterfeit of God’s True Church why would they be so dedicated to copying all the very best aspects of Anglicanism, like hating women and gays, or wearing lovely frilly vestments, while at the same time being so full of foreigners? No matter how many times I confronted doubters with this I’ve never received an intelligent reply. Which should just go to show…

All of which means that a plain reading of Scripture showsExodus 22:19, and its equivalent, Leviticus 18:23, actually refer to the revolting abomination of having sex with Roman Catholics. As everyone would know if the liberal reappraisers hadn’t made evangelism a four letter word, Christians wanting to do the wild thing with Romans must first convert them to True Faith. It’s not enough to leave a Jack Chick tract, a false cell-phone number and a promise to call “soon”; Bible-believers must force prospective partners to denounce the Pope before getting down to business.

While this can be a problem in non-commercial relationships, my experience is that Doctrinal Warriors such as myself who are following in the example of faith established by Samson can invariably resolve any problems by offering a few additional banknotes as an incentive. Certainly this costs more, but whoever said following the Scriptures as a faithful servant doesn’t come with a price?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Two Cents said...

Oh dear. Had I known this as a youth I wouldn't have kept company with all those Roman Catholic School girls. But, perhaps I would have. Yes, yes I would have - not because they were worth the punishment of eternal damnation, but because they were so damned easy. All the Anglican girls were too drunk to participate, and because most of them were illegitimately conceived, their parents had their knees bolted together at the first sign of breasts, which, I realize, provided all with a false security and such measures matter nothing to the determined, but I was a lazy youth. So, Father Christian I pray that you pronounce the forgiveness of my sins - for only need you speak and it shall be done...whether I'm actually sorry or not. Perhaps it is a good spanking that is really needed. I know some Roman Catholic pole dancers who offer the service as agents of the Pope.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Don't worry my dear Two Cents - I'll be happy to pronounce your absolution. Just sit down hear very close by my thighs and tell me all about your sins, in detail and with plenty of moist adjectives. And if you chance to have any polaroids remaining from those times they will also be most helpful...

Anonymous said...

I would repent if I could, but massive repentations are beyond my clear reading of leaflets, spleens, livers and other organs when we slaughter alter animals after the praise service and vodoo´s been explained to me that since I wasn´t allowed to mix with Roman Catholics, as a dapper youngish hooligan sorta Protestant hedonist, with lustyless-than-more-ness in his heart, I´ve overdone myself, as well as them, as a adulto...I´m pleased to report that sometimes I ¨just saÿ no¨to Roman Catholics when they get pushy and grabby...I´ve learned what´s what and what isn´t what...and like you, I´m having NO PART of it!

Elgin Joseph Stuart-Zell-Smith
Unsafe At Any Speed

Марко Фризия said...

I am relieved to know that (hypothetically and ecumenically speaking) it is not morally illicit for a male American member of The Episcopal Church and a male Bulgarian Orthodox Christian member to have celebratory and vigorous exchanges of carnal touch (and sometimes even bodily fluids) as long as no pets are involved (and as long as we are not seen doing this in Sub-Saharan Africa). This is good news! Thank you, Father Christian, for publishing these glad tidings!