Thursday, October 2, 2008

Archbishop Akinola feels irritated and twitchy.

If, like me, you’ve noticed a temporary reduction in the number of emails coming from orphaned heiresses or the widows of senior government officers, all of whom require help in appropriating delightfully large sums of money, then here just might the explanation: last week Archbishop Peter Akinola and his retinue of lively lads were busy with the Ninth Nigerian General Synod.

Since it’s clear from the language of both his opening address and closing "pastoral letter" that for a change Big Pete wrote his own releases alone, commentators everywhere have jumped at the chance to see the great man’s mind at work without the usual veneer of coherence being added by little Minns or Jensen.

And what a great mind it is too. Father Mark Harris provides the most insightful evaluation, yet I think he, like most reviewers, misses the heart of Big Pete’s genuine concern at what he sees occurring in Western Christianity.

In the excerpt published on Father Mark’s site our favourite Archbishop mentions his distress at finding an article in Tell magazine about someone being apprehended in a London suburb whilst in the act of knowing a sheep in the Biblical sense. The image has clearly left its mark on the Nigerian Primate, as he makes mention of elsewhere, including in an interview with one of his country’s leading newspapers.

Which should hardly be a surprise to anyone: I can well relate to the distress caused by discovering the same old humdrum Sins when perusing publications in hope of broadening one’s knowledge of the wickedness in men’s heart. Whilst I’m not familiar with Tell, if as I suspect, ++Akinola was perusing an expensive top-shelf imported magazine, then the last thing he should expect to find practices with which he is already familiar.

That’s because the simple truth is that bestiality is really rather old-hat in ++Akinola’s part of the world. Back in February 2006 a butcher at the Chanchaga abattoir in Niger State was caught doing exactly the same thing as the fellow in London - Tell might well have simply plagiarised this story. I recall the matter being reported by the Nigerian Tribune in some detail, but since their online archives don’t extend that far back I can only refer readers to a copy here. Nor is this creative meat-worker the only Nigerian to have partaken of the love that dare not baa its name: Charisma reports the Nigerian Preacher T.B. Joshua miraculously delivered a man from a spirit of bestiality – although speaking personally I’d want proof before I’d let him take my aunt’s Chihuahua for a walk.

No, if Archbishop Akinola really wants to keep abreast of the latest British iniquities my recommendation is for him to leave Tell alone, and instead study Razzle and Reader’s Wives. Or, as I do when the Spirit blows from a different direction, Vulcan. Either way, I’ve no doubt the experience would leave him a lot less tense and irritable.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


David G. said...

He's irritated from the pipe cleaner he inserted and lost in his urethra!!

It's HIS own FAULT, not the people who tried to SAVE HIM!!

Leonardo Ricardo said...

Big Pete is a Big's true, the man can't even make a cameo shot in HOLA/HELLO as noone is much interested, or considers, conjuring up very sad sexual pervisions interesting...perhaps he ought speak on his first hand experience as being a BIGOT and THIEF who torments others at Church...sure to make some sleazy print sheet.