Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Creationism: a bold new possibility for division.

In stirring up a whole ark full of creationists by daring to suggest that a hard-line conservative Calvinist might be less than reliably qualified as an expert on palaeontology Bishop Clumber has recently hit upon something which members of the Anglican Communion have largely hitherto ignored: namely than banging the old Creationist drum is a great way of getting a significant albeit unstable and excitable section of Christendom worked up enough to stick their hands in their pockets and support one’s ministry.

For too long we’ve been happy to concentrate on homosexuality at the expense of all the other bees in conservative Bible Believer’s bonnets, thereby letting the big money floating around all the other obsessions go to non-Christian groups like Baptists and Pentecostals. I say this has to change: it’s perfectly possible to be homophobic and claim Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs. Not only would this double the number of our extremists, it could also lead to wonderful new potential internal schisms: instead of simply discarding our apostate liberal leaders because of their disgusting commitment to Christ’s ridiculous notions of acceptance and inclusivity, we could now choose to leave because our pure and unreasoning faith is incompatible with the liberals' rejection of Genesis, which stands as the foundation of our faith. Besides, everyone knows scientists are almost impossible to fool into handing over large donations, nor do they generally have anywhere near as much to give as important professions like property developers, politicians, or fun-park operators, so in embracing creationism it’s not as though the Communion risks losing any big supporters.

Can you see the benefit this would have for Bishops who’d like to leave, but aren’t sure they’d get the numbers in a synod vote? Instead of asking people to vote on going or staying, they could instead be called to vote on leaving because the hierarchy’s position on homosexuality is an abomination, or leaving because it’s impossible for Christians to fellowship with anyone denying the truth of our Creator God’s Creation. Either way the schism could occur unimpeded by allegations of procedural mischief – it would have been the result of a fair and plain vote. So everyone could just shut up and get back to the important work of building their leaders’ empire.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Anonymous said...

Dear Dr Troll
It takes an astute scholar like yourself to realise there's more money to be made in preaching a more 'conservative' gospel. Do you think my collection plate would grow if I taught that Our Lord rode into Jerusalem on the back of a brontasauras?

Two Cents said...

This is absolutely brilliant - the rational mind is so hard to victimize. However, good Fr., your idea of extortion remains a very viable alternative. With no superstitious notions of sin, the rational person tends to engage in many carnal activities it considers forgivable by God but which must remain hidden from humans, therein being its vulnerability and profit potential. What we need to do as Anglicans is to popularize the use of confessionals fitted with web cams and recording devices. We'll then make the superstitious denominations look like road side lemonade stands.