Sunday, March 15, 2009

“GAFCON continues to wax stronger”

If the Good Lord hadn’t intended us to depilate He wouldn’t have given us pubic hair. Hairy legs might be esteemed in Baptist circles, and it’s all very well for Pentecostals to take pride looking like something Jane Goodall studies, but Bible-believing Christians know that God likes smooth people more than hairy ones

After all, Malachi 1:2-3 makes it so clear that even a non-schismatic Episcopalian should be able to understand that God hated Esau, but loved Jacob. And what difference was there between the two half-brothers? Simply this: Esau was hairy, but Jacob was smooth!

Which is, of course, why Big Pete Akinola is serious about showing conservative homophobes want to ensure not a single rippling curve of bare skin anywhere remains hirsute: in a a bold address to the Nigerian Standing Committee (whom I have no doubt stand up to Big Pete all the time) he arousingly asserted “GAFCON continues to wax stronger”.

Notice if you will, my dear sinners, the caring solidarity with fellow two-thirds world Christians; Big Pete didn’t refer to such decadent western methods of hair removal as laser treatment, or shaving with expensive and environmentally unsound disposable razors. No, for the true Christian there’s nothing quite like using hot wax to painfully rip the little blighters from their roots (especially when it’s happening to someone else), and the Ayatollah of Abujah makes no compromises for the faint of heart. GAFCON’s waxing stronger, and the world’s epidermis shall soon stand naked before God in judgement.

Incidentally, should any of you, like me, actually take the time to read Big Pete’s little serenade (some of us really do have too much spare time on our hands), you'll note that in the first two paragraphs he explains that the ideas presented first came to him while “intently” watching a “a field packed full of young able-bodied youths playing football”. He really is a man of great righteousness, isn’t he? After all, isn’t waxing the first thing everyones’s mind drifts to when dreamily gazing upon firm virile sportsman?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Frank Remkiewicz aka “Tree” said...

Apparently Big Pete has been studying the ancient eastern philosophies.

"Wax on, Wax off".

Anonymous said...

Surely God loves ++Rowan who is an hairy man?

Wade said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Wade said...

I suspect Archbishop Alka-seltzer has become aware of the increasingly common gay male interest in hirsute men. Many Episcopalian and Church of England gay men are attracted to beefy, hirsute men whom they call "bears".

I've researched this phenomenon in depth personally. In fact, I understand the C of E has established a chain of meeting houses called "XXL" for just this sort of perversion. (I visited one in Brighton and found that the beer is much better there than than the insipid swill served in US meeting houses of a like nature.)

I have also seen signs of this in both Scottish and Canadian Churches, and I've heard rumors, just rumors mind you, that this perversion is also infesting Micronesia and Southeast Asia (The Bears, not the beers.)

Obviously Big Pete is aware of this and is taking steps to avoid this calumny spreading to Nigeria. He's doubtless sensitive to any departure from the behavior which should normally be expected of closeted gay men, the single-minded pursuit of "twinks" and the concomitant waxing.

One would suspect that this explains why liturgically sensitive Romans never employ hirsute Altar boys. (Additional information may be available from Brother Richthofen.)