Tuesday, March 24, 2009

HIV/Aids: the origins explained.

In the comments section of my previous homily were a number of interesting queries concerning subjects to which I have for many years devoted my undeniably brilliant research skills, and in which (like everything else) I should be considered a world-renowned expert. Therefore, out of my pure compassion for evil-doers such as your wicked selves, I intend to address these questions individually over the next few days, providing, of course, that I don’t find myself distracted by something more interesting – such as, for example, anything involving bare torsos, a cassock and a large vat of gelatine. Or a really silly post at Viagraville.

Thus, with no further ado, let us begin with the enquiry from an eager young Bible student wishing to learn more about the alleged condition known as HIV/Aids. Aware of the disease’s simian origins, his question concerned the means by which the virus’s transition from primates to humans – as opposed to the transition from human to Primate, which is an equally tragic process, as anyone who’s followed ++Rowan’s career will testify.

The first, and most accurate, explanation has at its source – like many other evils prevailing in this dark and perverse world – the Anglican Archbishop of Sydney. In collusion with a break-away group of hyper-Calvinist Baptists, the See which banned the chasuble but baptised the safari suit (make sure to read the text at that last link!) several decades ago concocted a plan to trick the rest of the world into thinking them numerically impressive by embracing a practice they called “strategic ministry”. Among other things, this involved ordaining anything male, purportedly heterosexual, and intellectually incapable of asking questions, they could get their hands on.

Needless to say most of the Anglican Communion soon equated announcing one's ordination in the Diocese of Sydney with admitting the total of your education is three years at a “special” school in Arkansas, and obtaining specimens ordinands soon became difficult. To overcome this traps were constructed, and anything suitably gendered caught inside subjected to a lengthy process of brainwashing theological education designed to instil the unique blend of narrow-mindedness and stupidity so prized among evangelicals of that genus.

Unfortunately the traps were generally placed in locations the Sydney leadership themselves enjoy frequenting, such as some of the more heavily forested parts of national parks, or behind secluded public lavatories, and instead of the firm chested and glassy-eyed young men hoped for they frequently instead ensnared non-human members of the family Hominidae. Whereas in many parts of the world this would have been recognized, and the poor beasts immediately freed, Sydney’s frenetic desire for numerical superiority resulted in this minor detail being conveniently overlooked – providing, of course, the creatures were capable of presenting as heterosexual when anyone of consequence was watching.

Indeed, many of the “monkey ministers” proved more capable than their human counterparts, since skills such as thumping one’s chest (crucial during Synod) and tormenting weaker members of the pack in a raucous screaming hoard (ditto) came naturally. At the same time the sadly oppressed women of the diocese found the new captives made excellent husbands, being far more considerate and caring than non-simian clergy (not to mention vastly more capable lovers). Nature, as she will, took her course, and the multitudes of hybrid offspring which resulted not only explain Fred Phelps and CESA, but offers the most credible explanation of Bobby Duncan’s eyebrows I’ve ever encountered.

Yet it wasn’t all good news, I sorry to say, and on the down side came Billy Gandenberger and an end to the days of being able to ride bare-back whenever the urge came upon one. What else can one say but the usual: trust some people to spoil a good thing by taking it all too far…

Now very quickly: contractual obligations concerning the sale of my second explanation to Benny XXX and his boys prevent me from claiming this idea as my own, but since it’s really pretty stupid (or else they wouldn’t have bought it) there’s no need to feel any distress. It’s just a simple piece of unreliable logic (ditto again) best presented in point form:

  • Monkeys live in trees.
  • Latex comes from trees
  • Condoms are made from latex
  • Condoms are responsible for aids
  • Get the picture?

    As I said, it’s not the brightest reasoning, but when it comes to paying cash few people have brown paper bags as big as the Vatican’s, so I’m not complaining. And neither is Benny, who clearly believes it, so everyone’s happy – except perhaps, anyone who'd like to take him seriously.

    I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
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