Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The Chuck Colson Declaration.

When it comes to global climate change, I’m a skeptic. Just because the planet’s heating up doesn’t mean it’s warming. Besides, if God had wanted us to reduce our emissions he wouldn’t have made it so affordable to feed one’s Curate a diet of boiled cabbage and onions.

That’s why I’m so delighted to discover the distinguished history behind the name “Manhattan Declaration”. It turns out that prior to its liberation from the blogspot grasp of a few of my less Orthodox imitators it was a statement produced by a conference altruistically funded by tobacco and oil companies. That’s right, my Dearly Beloved Sinners: the people who correctly taught us that smoking can’t possibly harm a person’s health, and to ignore the fact that oversized SUVs kill more people very year than terrorists ever have, are now right behind the movement to convince the world that global warming is a fiction. So we all know there’s absolutely nothing to worry about…

Mind you, if the involvement of such esteemed corporate citizens as Exxon and W.D. & H.O. Wills isn’t enough to convince you then, how about this - the one and only Mr. Chuck Colson shares these noble companies’ disinterested skepticism! That’s right: the late President Nixon’s hatchet man is equally proud to stand up and be counted when it comes to putting profits before creation. Which is fascinating, because he’s also one of the primary movers behind the faux-Manhattan Declaration – the one purporting to use the name of my other blog in an effort to stop folks from knowing that God foolishly loves and accepts everyone irrespective of what sort of naughty bits they might happen to find exciting.

Now there's no denying that I’ve got a lot of respect for little Chuck Colson. Whereas some famous sinners such mistakenly see repentance as involving a turning away from their old lifestyles and values, he showed all that’s necessary is to find a new niche in the market. Were St. Paul blessed with Chuck’s chutzpah he could have converted and kept hanging out with his fellow shakers and movers in the Pharisees. Or if only John Newton had paid a little more attention to Mr. Colson’s extensive literary works he’d never have imprudently abandoned his flourishing career in the slave trade. By grace little Chuck Colson went from being a mouthpiece living off the public purse while promoting a morally bankrupt ideology to a mouthpiece living off donations while promoting a morally bankrupt ideology. What a miracle!

And then there’s his masterstroke: while claiming to minister to prisoners (and actively soliciting for money to fund this apparently laudable aim) he simultaneously and unashamedly supports social strategies which have been proven to exacerbate crime and increase the prison population - thereby increasing the apparent need for his services!!! Honestly the man’s a genius. But that he’s then able to get away with claiming two people who want to commit to each other in marriage represent one of the greatest threats society has ever faced just proves Henry Louis Mencken’s famous aphorism.

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Boaz said...

There once was a fixer called Chuck
Whose job was to spread round the muck
He was sent up the river
Where he learnt to deliver
More shit, with a Bible; what luck!

Robert said...

Wow, I'm so often in awe. I went to your new blog and immediately signed up for its feed as well. I don't want to risk missing a single pearl that comes forth from you!

Paul (A.) said...

Do you mean to tell us that the Manhattan Declaration wasn't named after the cocktails that preceded it?

anglicanbarnabas said...

I have worked as a volunteer at every level of the ministry Colson founded, from in-prison chaplainacy, transitional homes, work skill training, mentoring and offender reintegration. The ministry is the real thing; all of Colson's book revenue goes into the ministry; and Colson's income from the ministry has always been modest.

If you disagree with the Manhatten Declaration, why not point out the statements you dislike or argue are contrary to Scripture? Why the ad hominem attack?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

It's "Manhattan", my dear little Colsonite. I trust teaching literacy or geography wasn't one of the areas in which you volunteered.

I must agree, however, that attacking ad hominem is a terrible thing, and something your hero and his Conservative Brethren never do. One only has to observe the pleasant and respectful way they refer to the Bishop of New Hampshire, or the Presiding Bishop Jefferts Schori to know that.

Now tell me - where on earth did you get the foolish idea that I disagree with the Manhattan Declaration? Don't you realize it was named in honor of my new blog"?

Anonymous said...

I noticed you cut out all of the comments that cast your comments in a bad light. But, I guess its your blog.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

At last little Anonymous/anglicanbarnabas - you've got something right: it is my blog. And what a pleasantly passive-aggressive way you have of stating that!

Although you're still clearly incapable of hearing any voice other than your own. Otherwise you'd have noticed that I not only removed your comments (including the spectacularly funny one in which you accused me of shifting off-topic, and then drifted off onto a ludicrous tangent of your own about gun control) but also my own responses to your dishonest nonsense.

Put simply: if you're going to present lies as truth, my sad little Colsonite, and ignore all the facts contradicting your nasty parody of the Gospel, you can do it elsewhere. This is a blog for Biblical Christians.

Anonymous said...

Im glad you pointed out who was funding the manhattan Declaration. That clears up alot and points out to me that many of that declaration have stepped away from the Spirit. Thank You.....