Having yesterday outlined the principles of Aspirational Church Growth, it is now time to present The Five Rules of GAFCON Ministry:
1. Be Certain, not Consistent.
Whatever you choose to believe, BELIEVE IT! If you decide to criticize homosexuality never let the fact that you’re camper than a Boy-Scout jamboree (and all your “advisors” look like members of the Village People) curb your homophobia. If you decide to attack your opponent’s financial improprieties, don’t let any messy details concerning your own discretionary fund stop you from slamming others as immoral thieves.
2. Ignore Facts - argue the Big Picture.
Your opponents will try and argue with facts –always respond by referring to the Big Picture. Remember that the broader and more sweeping a generalization is the harder it is to counter. If you’re ever accused of discriminating against an individual, or of causing them distress, always respond by insisting “this has nothing to do with one person - it’s about the Church’s survival”. If presented with your own history of encouraging homophobia and violence, reply by demanding critics address "the real issue of respect for the Bible".
3. You determine the Experts.
It’s irrelevant that your opponent is someone with a lifetime of experience in biblical scholarship, or of ministry under the most difficult of circumstances, while your man is a shameless self-promoter who used to sell patent medicines in a country where the leading industries are civil war and spam emails – the real expert is whoever you want them to be. Qualifications mean nothing, and your critics know nothing. You choose who the authorities are, and there's never any need to justify your choices.
4. Talk about the Bible, not what’s in the Bible.
Not only is the Bible is full of complicated and conflicting statements, but some of the ideas it contains (such as “Love your enemies”) are positively dangerous. The good news is that it’s quite easy to be a “Biblical Christian” without ever once referring to what the Bible actually says. Instead of engaging with the text, simply insert adjectives like “Biblical” and “Scriptural” into everything you say. Dismiss counter-arguments as “contrary to the Word” without ever attempting to show why.
5. Always insist that you are the wronged party.
Even though countless innocent men and women have been rejected, ridiculed, bashed and even killed as a result of bigotry likr yours, always insist that you are the one being harmed and discriminated against. Find that your opponents are refusing to let you keep property which you always knew belonged to them? Complain as loudly as possible of the “persecution you are enduring for the sake of the Gospel”. Never give a moment’s thought to the harm you’re causing by leaving: responsibility for the Anglican schism rests firmly with those who aren’t leaving: blame them for the division at every opportunity.
Follow these rules in everything you do, and you too can have a successful GAFCON ministry. Pay careful attention, because men have become Bishops this way, and over the next year you can be sure purple shirts will be handed out like frequent-flyers points. Come to think of it, more than a few of those have also been earned recently, and GAFCON is the surest way nondescript clergy have of gaining more.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Friday, June 6, 2008
Aspirational Church Growth
One of the great myths currently flying around is that in order to be successful a church’s congregation must be welcoming.
While this might be true for happy-clappy let’s-all-gurgle-at-god Charismatic places, there’s simply no need for such nonsense at a GAFCON church. Just look at St. Onuphrius’ – we’re not in any way welcoming, we’re aspirational.
By this I mean that newcomers are immediately made to feel almost as good as we are – and that with a little work and aspiration they may indeed one day reach our heights, but until then they’re clearly beneath out standards - but because we’re such fine Christians we’ll be nice to them regardless.
Cultivating this mindset serves two important purposes: firstly any newcomers not sufficiently insecure to aspire to be one of us are quickly weeded out, saving our time being on developing relationships which will prove of no value; and secondly, it quickly produces a culture in which everybody knows the right way to think, speak and act, because peer-pressure and the aspiration to be one of the people who matter is so strong that those who don’t understand our values just pretend they do anyway, and imitate those whom they aspire to be.
The result is nobody never needs to spell out whom is meant if I, for example, refer to "those sort of people" - because the entire congregational culture is one of knowing, and since anyone who doesn’t understand still aspires to be on the “inner” and accepted, they quickly learn to be quiet and pretend they actually do understand.
It can be a tricky balance to achieve at first, but very soon even a modestly intelligent Vicar can find create an environment where this is all second nature. The first step is to praise everyone richly, but never completely. Tell them they’ve done well, and almost as well as someone else. Greet visitors by exclaiming how well behaved their children are, or how interesting their jobs sounds, but then qualify it by mentioning they are nearly as well-behaved or interesting as someone who’s been in the congregation for years. If that person is within hearing range this works even better, invite them over and introduce them to the newcomer. Then be certain to privately rebuke the long-term member at some point in the next week over how their children behaved, or how much time they’ve been devoting to their job. Never let anyone grow too confident, but also never let them cease hoping to be better.
Before you know it you too can have a growing church built on the principle of everyone aspiring to be more than they currently are, but deeply grateful that they aren’t like someone else. When you do you’ll have understood one of the most important principles of GAFCON, at which point you’ll be almost ready to hear tomorrow’s basic lesson ministry.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
While this might be true for happy-clappy let’s-all-gurgle-at-god Charismatic places, there’s simply no need for such nonsense at a GAFCON church. Just look at St. Onuphrius’ – we’re not in any way welcoming, we’re aspirational.
By this I mean that newcomers are immediately made to feel almost as good as we are – and that with a little work and aspiration they may indeed one day reach our heights, but until then they’re clearly beneath out standards - but because we’re such fine Christians we’ll be nice to them regardless.
Cultivating this mindset serves two important purposes: firstly any newcomers not sufficiently insecure to aspire to be one of us are quickly weeded out, saving our time being on developing relationships which will prove of no value; and secondly, it quickly produces a culture in which everybody knows the right way to think, speak and act, because peer-pressure and the aspiration to be one of the people who matter is so strong that those who don’t understand our values just pretend they do anyway, and imitate those whom they aspire to be.
The result is nobody never needs to spell out whom is meant if I, for example, refer to "those sort of people" - because the entire congregational culture is one of knowing, and since anyone who doesn’t understand still aspires to be on the “inner” and accepted, they quickly learn to be quiet and pretend they actually do understand.
It can be a tricky balance to achieve at first, but very soon even a modestly intelligent Vicar can find create an environment where this is all second nature. The first step is to praise everyone richly, but never completely. Tell them they’ve done well, and almost as well as someone else. Greet visitors by exclaiming how well behaved their children are, or how interesting their jobs sounds, but then qualify it by mentioning they are nearly as well-behaved or interesting as someone who’s been in the congregation for years. If that person is within hearing range this works even better, invite them over and introduce them to the newcomer. Then be certain to privately rebuke the long-term member at some point in the next week over how their children behaved, or how much time they’ve been devoting to their job. Never let anyone grow too confident, but also never let them cease hoping to be better.
Before you know it you too can have a growing church built on the principle of everyone aspiring to be more than they currently are, but deeply grateful that they aren’t like someone else. When you do you’ll have understood one of the most important principles of GAFCON, at which point you’ll be almost ready to hear tomorrow’s basic lesson ministry.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
The Teacher's Teacher
If truth be told I am known among Clergy as “The Teacher’s Teacher”. It’s not an easy cross to bear: in fact I consider it a more important one that that borne by Our Lord himself, since all St. Paul carried was some kind of thorn in his flesh, whereas I have to sustain the weight of countless admirers. And let me tell you, when one of them is John-David Schofield, that’s no mean feat for an old Doctrinal Warrior like me.
Yet no matter how tired I may be after ministering to the needs of my Staff, nor how preoccupied I may be with studying the Scriptures or my collection of Benny Hill videos, there is always time in my schedule to encourage younger and less important clergy – in that respect I have the patronising heart of a Bishop with the accessibility of a man who is still establishing his power-base.
Consequently when hearing a cry like the following, which is from the comments to the brave, challenging, stirring, courageous and inspiring (sometimes I just love the sound of my own praise) message I gave yesterday on the nomination of someone with respect to something that won’t possibly happen, I have to respond:
Sadly those Seminarians not from a traditional ministry families (e.g. anyone in Britain not descended from a Bishop married to either his cousin or a woman who looks remarkably like a horse, or anyone in Australia whose surname is not “Jensen”) receive little instruction is given in coping with inappropriate new comers and others unfamiliar with Biblical ways of referring to our inferiors. Over the next two days I shall redress this need – my children: keep listening to Father Christian and you’ll be so exclusive people will be mistaking you for Father Kennedy in no time at all. Or maybe, if you pay very close attention, that funny little Short fellow in Shaughnessy who runs around after J.I. Packer.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
Yet no matter how tired I may be after ministering to the needs of my Staff, nor how preoccupied I may be with studying the Scriptures or my collection of Benny Hill videos, there is always time in my schedule to encourage younger and less important clergy – in that respect I have the patronising heart of a Bishop with the accessibility of a man who is still establishing his power-base.
Consequently when hearing a cry like the following, which is from the comments to the brave, challenging, stirring, courageous and inspiring (sometimes I just love the sound of my own praise) message I gave yesterday on the nomination of someone with respect to something that won’t possibly happen, I have to respond:
”Father ChristianThat these are frightening times for those of little faith is no doubt. Still, if a congregation has been well taught, and diligently encouraged to exclude those more suited to another type of congregation, those allowed to remain will know full well what is meant when you pray “Thy will be done”. For the well trained member of the Communion less is more, and the ancient unspoken code whereby outsiders are driven away is so well known nothing further than the occasional well-known euphemism is all that needs be said.
I was wondering if you could spare time to give us your wisdom on how, in these politically correct, times you approach the question of the inherent superiority of "certain types of people" over other "types" of people, in public prayer. I ask this as we will, at my church, obviously be wanting to pray that a "certain type of person" never enters the "certain type of people" HOUSE.”
Sadly those Seminarians not from a traditional ministry families (e.g. anyone in Britain not descended from a Bishop married to either his cousin or a woman who looks remarkably like a horse, or anyone in Australia whose surname is not “Jensen”) receive little instruction is given in coping with inappropriate new comers and others unfamiliar with Biblical ways of referring to our inferiors. Over the next two days I shall redress this need – my children: keep listening to Father Christian and you’ll be so exclusive people will be mistaking you for Father Kennedy in no time at all. Or maybe, if you pay very close attention, that funny little Short fellow in Shaughnessy who runs around after J.I. Packer.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Teaching on a Sensitive Subject
Let’s be perfectly clear about one thing, I believe in the Bible and have never in my life voted Democrat. Neither did my dear departed Father: right up until the day he was accidentally killed while playing with his collection of handguns (and to think that my sister – the wanton Jezebel - tried to suggest that his dementia was too far advanced for him to own firearms!). Indeed, he was never even so much as able to say the name ‘Democrat’ without spitting. Which was, of course, why Mother forbade him listening to NPR in the kitchen.
Therefore the announcement of some young upstart as the Democrat candidate is, from the Bible’s perspective, irrelevant. Everyone knows the Bible teaches John McCain will be the next President (Luke 11:21 - although be careful to not place this verse in context by continuing onto v.22 ), and he certainly has in the past displayed a an attitude to women in keeping with the people of Judges
I know that as a Democrat this new contender should be simply cast from my mind, yet something brings him to my attention, and I’m not ashamed to say GAFCON men and women know what that something is. Now please understand, let it never be said that the Reverend Doctor Christian Troll is a racist. I’ve never denied the fact that the sixty-eight year old boy who mows the Rectory lawns is fine example of his race, and for many years his wife performed a fine job of cleaning and washing my laundry until I discovered I could hire an illegal Hispanic immigrant to perform the same job for a fraction of her wage. No sir, I will not have a word of criticism levelled against me in that regard, and I am proud to have a man of color serving as part of my domestic staff.
Yet Democrats clearly can’t understand that being President is very different to being a Bishop, and in any case they clearly haven’t a man of Martyn Minns’ capability to help with writing letters - so what on earth do they think they’re doing?? Still, given their alternative was a woman…
Now I realise that today I’ve addressed difficult issues, and that I’ve said things and raised points that have no doubt caused offense. Some people may even be feeling disturbed – even though, as I’ve shown from the Scriptures, it is all an entirely hypothetical matter. Even so, I make no apologies. Sometimes a Teacher of God must lead his people to confront difficult matters head on, and deal with things which make them feel uncomfortable or uneasy. If that involves saying the word Democrat then so be it.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
Therefore the announcement of some young upstart as the Democrat candidate is, from the Bible’s perspective, irrelevant. Everyone knows the Bible teaches John McCain will be the next President (Luke 11:21 - although be careful to not place this verse in context by continuing onto v.22 ), and he certainly has in the past displayed a an attitude to women in keeping with the people of Judges
I know that as a Democrat this new contender should be simply cast from my mind, yet something brings him to my attention, and I’m not ashamed to say GAFCON men and women know what that something is. Now please understand, let it never be said that the Reverend Doctor Christian Troll is a racist. I’ve never denied the fact that the sixty-eight year old boy who mows the Rectory lawns is fine example of his race, and for many years his wife performed a fine job of cleaning and washing my laundry until I discovered I could hire an illegal Hispanic immigrant to perform the same job for a fraction of her wage. No sir, I will not have a word of criticism levelled against me in that regard, and I am proud to have a man of color serving as part of my domestic staff.
Yet Democrats clearly can’t understand that being President is very different to being a Bishop, and in any case they clearly haven’t a man of Martyn Minns’ capability to help with writing letters - so what on earth do they think they’re doing?? Still, given their alternative was a woman…
Now I realise that today I’ve addressed difficult issues, and that I’ve said things and raised points that have no doubt caused offense. Some people may even be feeling disturbed – even though, as I’ve shown from the Scriptures, it is all an entirely hypothetical matter. Even so, I make no apologies. Sometimes a Teacher of God must lead his people to confront difficult matters head on, and deal with things which make them feel uncomfortable or uneasy. If that involves saying the word Democrat then so be it.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Insults, Vestments, and Our Last Curate
As everyone has probably realised, this past week has been quiet around St. Onuphrius. A blessed side-effect of this has been that I’ve had more time to devote to everyone’s Ask Father Christian pleas for help, and I’ve re-read the Bible another eight times from cover to cover just to make sure nothing’s changed since I last went hunting for loopholes. But on the down side GAFCON men are men of conflict, and all this peace unsettles my heart.
Part of the problem is that since my last Curate spontaneously combusted there just hasn’t been anyone at whom I can confidently express my anger at the violence tearing apart the very fabric of our society. I am gentle man, and the violence with which women, sodomites, liberals, children and animal-lovers are destroying all that we cherish simply makes me need to hit someone, and to hit them hard. Hence our last Curate's usefulness.
The one cheering ray has been a truly offensive letter from a woman calling herself Pseudopiskie - a name of obviously foreign origin. In an absolutely enraging epistle she implied there is something frock-like about the vestments Men of God are called to wear as part of our sacred service.
Madam, since you are clearly one of those trouser-wearing feminists who labor under the illusion that Jesus did not expressly forbid women to wear anything practical and allowing for freedom of movement, I obviously must explain to you that frocks are graceful, delicate garments, trimmed in lace and made of rich, soft fabrics which gently caress the skin and reflect the wearer’s innate beauty. Clerical Vestments, on the other hand, are graceful, delicate garments, trimmed in lace and made of rich, soft fabrics which gently caress the skin and reflect the wearer’s innate beauty.
The latter, as you would have been taught were you not ensnared by an apostate liberal church, were ordained by God as fitting garments for men, to be worn when ministering unto His people. The former are a garment created for women, and may only be worn by men on certain special occasions with a few trustworthy companions. Which is another thing I miss about our last Curate.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
Part of the problem is that since my last Curate spontaneously combusted there just hasn’t been anyone at whom I can confidently express my anger at the violence tearing apart the very fabric of our society. I am gentle man, and the violence with which women, sodomites, liberals, children and animal-lovers are destroying all that we cherish simply makes me need to hit someone, and to hit them hard. Hence our last Curate's usefulness.
The one cheering ray has been a truly offensive letter from a woman calling herself Pseudopiskie - a name of obviously foreign origin. In an absolutely enraging epistle she implied there is something frock-like about the vestments Men of God are called to wear as part of our sacred service.
Madam, since you are clearly one of those trouser-wearing feminists who labor under the illusion that Jesus did not expressly forbid women to wear anything practical and allowing for freedom of movement, I obviously must explain to you that frocks are graceful, delicate garments, trimmed in lace and made of rich, soft fabrics which gently caress the skin and reflect the wearer’s innate beauty. Clerical Vestments, on the other hand, are graceful, delicate garments, trimmed in lace and made of rich, soft fabrics which gently caress the skin and reflect the wearer’s innate beauty.
The latter, as you would have been taught were you not ensnared by an apostate liberal church, were ordained by God as fitting garments for men, to be worn when ministering unto His people. The former are a garment created for women, and may only be worn by men on certain special occasions with a few trustworthy companions. Which is another thing I miss about our last Curate.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Tips for Travellers
Continuing the important work of my Ask Father Christian ministry I will today address an important question from a dear young lady seeking urgent Biblical teaching. With an obedient heart she pleads:
Foremost of these is the risk of having one’s mind broadened. Scripture is clear: "broad is the road that leads to destruction" (Matthew 7:13). Meeting foreigners can easily lead one to reach the erroneous conclusion that they are in fact human, a heresy which if unchecked will soon destroy the strongest faith.
To guard against this I normally advise anyone planning a holiday to select as mindless a destination as possible: beach-side resorts (particularly those insulated against local residents) and the cheaper cruise ships are excellent in this regard. Yes, they might be riddled with the vices of fornication and drunkenness, but these are nothing compared with the much more dangerous sin of thinking.
As an alternative, however, Jerusalem and the Holy Land are about to experience an influx of ecclesiastical visitors on a "pilgrimage". This might be an alternative well worth considering. Granted the company will at times be tedious, and I’d advise you keep well clear of Big Pete Akinola when he cuts loose in the evening with a belly full of Goldstar, but on the other hand just think of the prestige you’ll gain among the gang over at Stand Firm. Simply by starting any comment you might care to make with "When I was in Jesrualem at GAFCON, (insert any name you care to drop here) and I discussed …." will guarantee you’ll never get deleted – no matter how outlandish your post may be. Just a thought…
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
I am wondering what scriptures should guide me in choosing a vacation spot or activity. In the Bible there is much talk, of course, about wandering in wildernesses, missionary journeys, even going out two by two, but these don't seem to have much relevance when one is deciding, say, between Paris and Puerto Vallarta.Travel is a wonderful thing, and I know from personal experience that it can be extremely rewarding providing one is cautious when carrying “packages” through customs. There are, however, a great many dangers beyond those involving sniffer-dogs and strip-searches.
Foremost of these is the risk of having one’s mind broadened. Scripture is clear: "broad is the road that leads to destruction" (Matthew 7:13). Meeting foreigners can easily lead one to reach the erroneous conclusion that they are in fact human, a heresy which if unchecked will soon destroy the strongest faith.
To guard against this I normally advise anyone planning a holiday to select as mindless a destination as possible: beach-side resorts (particularly those insulated against local residents) and the cheaper cruise ships are excellent in this regard. Yes, they might be riddled with the vices of fornication and drunkenness, but these are nothing compared with the much more dangerous sin of thinking.
As an alternative, however, Jerusalem and the Holy Land are about to experience an influx of ecclesiastical visitors on a "pilgrimage". This might be an alternative well worth considering. Granted the company will at times be tedious, and I’d advise you keep well clear of Big Pete Akinola when he cuts loose in the evening with a belly full of Goldstar, but on the other hand just think of the prestige you’ll gain among the gang over at Stand Firm. Simply by starting any comment you might care to make with "When I was in Jesrualem at GAFCON, (insert any name you care to drop here) and I discussed …." will guarantee you’ll never get deleted – no matter how outlandish your post may be. Just a thought…
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Thought For Today.
Some people go to the park and see only the rich green grass and timeless leafy trees, but I see the steaming dark excrement of frolicking dogs – or the equally revolting sight of people cleaning up after their canine companions.. Some see the 19th century rotunda now converted into a charming café, and they smell the fresh coffee and cakes being served inside. But I see the ramshackle toilets at the far end of the playing field, and smell only the stench of unflushed urinals. Some enjoy the scenery, and the warm sun shining down upon their face, but a GAFCON man sees a creation which has turned its back upon the Creator god, and is reminded of the fires of hell into which this rebellious abomination will be condemned.
And while some see love, and shared experiences framed in a sensual embrace, the GAFCON Christian sees fornication, and sodomy, and the exchange of body fluids. It takes years of discipline to view the world in this way, and much dedicated study to recognize it as the message underlying all of Scriptures but that’s the burden which the men of GAFCON have been called to lay upon others’ shoulders.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
And while some see love, and shared experiences framed in a sensual embrace, the GAFCON Christian sees fornication, and sodomy, and the exchange of body fluids. It takes years of discipline to view the world in this way, and much dedicated study to recognize it as the message underlying all of Scriptures but that’s the burden which the men of GAFCON have been called to lay upon others’ shoulders.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
Subscribe to:
Posts
(
Atom
)