As everyone has probably realised, this past week has been quiet around St. Onuphrius. A blessed side-effect of this has been that I’ve had more time to devote to everyone’s Ask Father Christian pleas for help, and I’ve re-read the Bible another eight times from cover to cover just to make sure nothing’s changed since I last went hunting for loopholes. But on the down side GAFCON men are men of conflict, and all this peace unsettles my heart.
Part of the problem is that since my last Curate spontaneously combusted there just hasn’t been anyone at whom I can confidently express my anger at the violence tearing apart the very fabric of our society. I am gentle man, and the violence with which women, sodomites, liberals, children and animal-lovers are destroying all that we cherish simply makes me need to hit someone, and to hit them hard. Hence our last Curate's usefulness.
The one cheering ray has been a truly offensive letter from a woman calling herself Pseudopiskie - a name of obviously foreign origin. In an absolutely enraging epistle she implied there is something frock-like about the vestments Men of God are called to wear as part of our sacred service.
Madam, since you are clearly one of those trouser-wearing feminists who labor under the illusion that Jesus did not expressly forbid women to wear anything practical and allowing for freedom of movement, I obviously must explain to you that frocks are graceful, delicate garments, trimmed in lace and made of rich, soft fabrics which gently caress the skin and reflect the wearer’s innate beauty. Clerical Vestments, on the other hand, are graceful, delicate garments, trimmed in lace and made of rich, soft fabrics which gently caress the skin and reflect the wearer’s innate beauty.
The latter, as you would have been taught were you not ensnared by an apostate liberal church, were ordained by God as fitting garments for men, to be worn when ministering unto His people. The former are a garment created for women, and may only be worn by men on certain special occasions with a few trustworthy companions. Which is another thing I miss about our last Curate.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
6 comments :
Last year I won a caption contest at MadPriest's site, and was named temporary Bishop of San Joaquin (a title i was glad enough to relinquish to Bp Lamb although I suspect he knows nothing about it).
Was making me a mock bishop, albeit temporary, more heretical because
(1) I'm an atheist
(2) I'm a woman or
(3) I'm a lesbian?
Although (3) rather implies (2), but I thought I would separate them out in terms of heresy-points.
and given (1), is it worse for me or for MadPrist? Him actually believing in God and all.
By the way I think I look rather good in deep purple.
IT
Blessed Father Troll. I realize that there may be some temptation to find carnal pleasure in the feel of those garments against one's skin and that such pleasure would be wholly out of line with the GAFCON belief system that any sort of pleasure, except inflicting pain on others, is bad. So what I do is insert several push pins in the garments before I put them on, so I will feel only pain. I pray you will bless this practice.
Blessed Father Troll. I realize that there may be some temptation to find carnal pleasure in the feel of those garments against one's skin and that such pleasure would be wholly out of line with the GAFCON belief system that any sort of pleasure, except inflicting pain on others, is bad. So what I do is insert several push pins in the garments before I put them on, so I will feel only pain. I pray you will bless this practice.
Anonymous IT. I fancy myself as a caption writer but that is the caption of the decade. Well done.
Father Christian I fear you are too soft. Not your garments; I fear they may not be soft enough. But as a Biblical man I think you don't go far enough in your condemnation of those that would ensnare us with all manner of loves.
Did not Jesus come to bring a sword? And yet it would seem that all you have done is to hit your curate, quite hard (though possibly fatally). There must be more that you can do Father. Remember our enemies are everywhere!
Boaz: As the investigators were rewarded for concluding, I was in no way connected with our last Curate's unfortunate demise, He spontaneously combusted.
As for my gentle pastoral heart, I must remind you I was addressing a woman. As a gentleman I know only too well how easily the fairer and simpler-minded sex can be mislead. I must admit that in correcting them I lack the virile aggressive heart for which the leaders of your corner of Christendom are famous, but in my defence I don't arrange jobs for the women of my family either.
Still, thank you for the faithful intentions of your caution - it never hurts to have a brother correct one in times of uncertainty - unless of course that brother is...
gray wolf: what a brilliant suggestion. I find a handful of twigs into my undergarments, thereby inducing an effective irritation in my nether regions, works fine, but I shall order the choir to heed your adcvice, starting this Sunday. Bless you.
IT: Questions of this nature are better dealt with in the context of my Ask Father Christian facilty, but I realise that since you are (1)an atheist, (2)a woman, and (3)a lesbian, this is probably too complicated for you, so I will be patient. Therefore I will be merciful and deal with your question concerning heresy and Bishops in a forthcoming post.
Would you happen to have any pictures of you and your friend in deep purple together? If so I would more than willing to send you some of myself in exchange.
Thank you, Fr Christian, for fixing my name. And for visiting my humble blog.
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