Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Swearing is a @#%$^# Sin

The best way of telling if the Bible is being taught correctly is to see if evil-doers respond by trembling in anguish (Exodus 15:14). Consequently there can be no doubt that I am indeed the Anglican world’s greatest Bible teacher, since from the dark voodoo heart of the evil sultry south even notorious Priestesses come in penitence seeking advice:

Dear Father Christian,

As you know, I have a blog. Lest you believe me hopelessly lost, I want you to know that I have standards for what I permit on my blog. Although I NEVER use the word myself, on occasion, I use a quote or a video with the word "fuck" in it. Would this fall into the category of mortal sin, requiring formal confession and absolution? Must I then never allow the word on my blog again, if I want to remain in a state of grace?

The reason that I am doubtful about this is that the Bible contains quite a few - how shall I put it? - naughty words, and I thought perhaps it might not be sinful to allow the word on my blog, just so I NEVER SAID IT MYSELF! If you could find it in your heart to advise me, although you probably view me as a dreadful heretic, I will be forever grateful. I might even send a donation.

Humbly yours,

Grandmère Mimi
Please understand that I haven’t allowed this profanity to be posted with any intention of causing those of you who are all far weaker in faith than me to stumble, although those who do happen to stumble as a result of her obscenity will find me happy to consider asking for your sins to be forgiven, providing, of course you beseech me appropriately. Nor, I must hasten to add, did I actually type this foul language myself, since I merely cut-and pasted it from her email, which means I am myself free of any sin in this regard – although having read it the same cannot be said for any of you, and you should all be truly ashamed of yourselves.

That’s because of all the sins with which humans taunt our almighty God swearing is truly the most abominable. Murder, rape, torture: all of these count for nothing in comparison with the wicked, wicked practice of saying rude words. Perhaps the best teacher on this subject other than myself is the great George Whitefield, whose sermon The Heinous Sin of profane Cursing and Swearing. summarises the Scripture’s position almost as well as I do.

Indeed, George Whitefield's firm stance against this terrible sin set a fine example for any modern GAFCON Christian. So faithfully loving was Whitefield that it is reported he ensured – by means of the whip if necessary – not a single foul word ever escaped the lips of any of the many slaves he owned in the course of his exemplary Christian life and ministry.

So Madam Grandmère – the answer is plain: it is a sin. Don’t try weaselling your way out of guilt – you’ve committed a terrible, evil, soul-smiting sin – rank, festering and adjectively pustulent. The only hope is that you repent – displaying your remorse with full credit to me on Wounded Bird - a blog which I must confess to reading as part of my call to be aware of the sin in the world, and one upon which I would quite fancy to see myself smiling down at the countless wanton women whom I enjoy imagining frequent the seething pages.

And of course: don’t forget to send a donation. I’ll soon have a Pay-Pal link just like Stand Firm - so there’ll be absolutely no excuse for you to not record every credit card number you can find (going through people’s rubbish at night is a good way to obtain dozens of perfectly useful numbers) and run up large donations in support of my important work saving the Anglican Communion by tearing it in two.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Anonymous said...

Could you also help me with 1 Kings 12:10 which, when I read it in the original Hebrew, seems to mean "My cock is thicker than my Dad's waist"? And what does this tell us about King Solomon, the father in question?

Anonymous said...

Fr Christian, loathe though I am to point at specks in someone else's blog when I might have trees in my own (tho' as I have no blog, I'm not sure how I would do this) ---I feel it is important that I point out to you a typographical error.

You wrote about Mimi's blog that you
frequent it’s seething pages.

I am sure this merely reflects the great pressure you are under to correct so many of us sinners (so much sin! so little time!) and thus this peccadillo, this grammatical misdemeanor, sneaked past your gimlet gaze.

But I thought you'd want to know.

IT, unrepentant atheist

June Butler said...

Fr Christian, thank you for answering my question. Frankly, I thought you might decide not to take this one up, believing I was too far gone to the dark side to be able to offer help.

I thought you might want to know that wanton men visit my website, too, and, although you may find this impossible to believe, wanton priests of both sexes sometimes drop in. I'm sure you understand why I cannot name names.

So then, my repentance must be public and on my own blog? I'll have to think about that. I'd have to quote myself using the same wicked word, and I'd be right back to where I was when I wrote to you - or so it seems to me.

Erika Baker said...

Grandmere Mimi
You know that already thinking the wicked word is mortal sin. You only have to think about writing it on your blog to be contamminated forever. There truly is no hope for you, I'm afraid.
I will pray for your soul.

Erika Baker said...

Dear Father Christian

could I humbly ask you to explain what I take to be a learned Greek word in the heading of this article - @#%$^# ?

Many grateful thanks

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Despite your continued proferrion of atheism, which I believe is nothing more than a charming womanly delusion, your pedantry shows you have indeed been blessed with an important fruit of the GAFCON spirit amd may be closer to the kingdom than your realise.

In appreciation of this I have corrected my error, and must confess to having found the frisson of excitement which accompanies being rebuked by a charming lady of questionable morals immensely enjoyable.

And in using it you will indeed sin again, and so again need to repent - I call this phenomena The Spiral of Guilt and it plays an important part in building one's congregation.

Miss Erika:
I believe it to actually be a German expression, since I learned it from a number of interesting publications purchased in the Reeperbahn whilst on a short-term mission to Hamburg.

An alternative rendering is "My little finger is larger than my father's organ", which brings great hope to clergy serving in newer churches, without the benefit of a vast pipe organ. Since even Solomon, who undertook one of the mightiest parish building programs in history (although at St.Onuphrius' we soon expect to surpass him) was unable to afford an impressive instrument shows today's less succesful ministers need not feel too ashamed.

June Butler said...

Fr Christian, I have publicly repented here. The check, as they say, is in the mail.

Anonymous said...

Dear Fr Christian,
Any time I can oblige you with a frisson, I am happy to do so. Of course, I am a lesbian so you realize nothing may come of it.

But naturally, I am pedantic. I am an academic, and therefore able to speak at length about nothing. It has not escaped my notice that a professor and a parson have considerable similarities.


Anonymous said...

By the way, I felt it would be too impertinent to further correct the errors in your comment, so I hope you appreciate that I did not do so.


Boaz said...

Unlike many here Ive never sworn in my life.

It's not been easy mind. Ive had to watch myself, yes even inhibit myself, quickly walk away from uncomfortable situations etc, all with the precious aim of keeping my lips from ever saying a single swear word, not even a tiny little "shit".

Oh shit what have I done!!?

Oh fuckin' hell! I've fucked up now!

OH FUCK!!!!!!

MadPriest said...

Dear Father Christian
This woman is inveterate sewer-mouth. I often receive emails from her (marked not for publication) in which she effs and blinds at me like a gansta rapper who has just accidently shot himself in the foot. She is from the south and of poor breeding.

June Butler said...

Fr Christian, I hope that you know better than to believe a word that MadPriest says. He often slanders me with lies, and with his comment here, you can see that he stalks me online, too. By his own admission, he is mad. Need I say more?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Children! CHILDREN!!!

Stop it!

With all this bickering and name calling you sound just like a pair of evangelical Rector's Wardens, or a Vocation Discernment Committee.

Keep fighting like this and mark my words, you'll find both of yourselves being put on a plane to Lambeth before you know it.

Anonymous said...

Oh YEAH...Vocation Discernment committee definintely!

But Mimi's right...Crazy One is a STALKER...Ok, ok...so I call him Crazy Ass..but I'm a hopeless heretic anyway.

johnieb said...

Yer fucking weird, Fr. Christian. Nonetheless, I must rate yer game as Class C ball 'cause those of raised in the American South have higher standards

However, I got no problem with that, unless ya keep messin' with my friends.

Final Warning.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

My Dear Noble Savage,

While I will never cease from my call to teach those whom you appear to call "friends", you may be quite certain that I have ablsolutely no interest in those others whom you no doubt consider dear, namely your relatives (I believe "kinfolk" is the correct term in your patois).

In any case "messin' with" is hardly an appropriate way to describe the comforting laying on of hands as administered by a trained GAFCON practitioner.

Father Christian

Robert said...

Dear Fr. Christian, knowing that you are the one to lead me to all truth, could you illuminate for me exactly which words are swear words and which are not. I would not want to accidentally transgress.