Sunday, June 8, 2008

Bishop Duncan of Pittsburgh Pennsylvania

Bishop Duncan of Pittsburgh Pennsylvania is fine man, even though he is a Bishop. I have in the past always considered him someone who truly embodies the spirit of GAFCON: where lesser men focus on the Father’s love, or on the transformational power of Christ’s incarnation, Bishop Duncan has always shown a clear understanding that hatred of Sodomites is at the very heart of the Gospel. A man who has never been ashamed to put his own needs first, nor to criticize the foul speck in another’s eye irrespective of any plank in his own, I have never before had anything but praise for him as a faithful pillar of the Church.

Yet lately I have grown disappointed in my dear friend, and the sin into which he has fallen is in fact one which a number of people have written – particularly the lovely EPfizH: that of issues concerning Ministry Discretionary Funds.

Now blessed Father Armstrong of Grace St. Stephens in Colorado Springs used to be the leading expert on this subject, until he too lost sight of the most important aspect of discretionary Funds - they must be kept discrete!

It’s no use how much you’ve managed to squirrel away, nor how much property you’ve managed to transfer into your own name, if other people can then find out about it and start making a noise. The whole point of these things is that other people must know nothing about them – or else how can you expect people to believe you and keep giving when you cry poor? Nor is enough to try and disguise your acquisitions through “life-time deeds” and interest-free loans. If you fail to be discrete and word gets out you might as well just kiss the trough goodbye, because you can be certain that’s the last time anyone’s going to let your snout get anywhere near it.

No, much as I admire Bishop Duncan I must admit my allegiance in that part of the world has shifted to Bishop Clumber. Not only is he better educated and more trustworthy than Bishop Duncan, but as a dog he has the good sense to bury any bones he should come across, instead of leaving them laying around for people like Father Jake to discover and expose. Allowing someone like him to draw attention to important traditional aspects of ministry (like the time-honored practice of “tickling the offertory plate”) just spoils things for everyone.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Unknown said...

I am truly humbled. I think the idea of canine bishops, while still rightly regarded as being in its infancy, is spreading throughout the land. Surely we could do worse than appointing dogs (and I will be bold enough to say that one day we may even see cats in the episcopacy!) to the position. On the positive side, most dogs and cats prefer to sleep a good portion of the day, which means that they will not be available for conferences, email petitions, or insurrectionary phone calls, which will benefit the church immensely.

Thank you, Father Christian. Now if my invitation to Lambeth would come soon. I have shots to get before I visit the land of my ancestors! Just the thought of visiting Clumber Park fills me with awe!

Erika Baker said...

Father Christian

Not so long ago, your own parish was made to increase their giving while you suffered in public luxury.

I truly admire your GAFCONesque inconsistency and firmness in belief.
You are, indeed, one of the true shining lights in Christendom!

Anonymous said...

Armstrong won't readily give up his title, he loves dogs too

Anonymous said...

Fr Troll, given the incisiveness of your views about Pittsburgh it is clear you are distant enough from that venue to maintain an eagle-eyed clarity.

I am curious whether your diocese has suffered the splits as well.

Is St Onuphrius, Ichabod Springs in the same diocese as Euphemesius-By-The-Freeway (Still) Episcopal Church ?

IT, the impertinent lesbian

Anonymous said...

IT, you impertinent lesbian, you just threw the man a huge doggie biscuit. I can't wait for his roundabout, convoluted, obscuring everything explanation here. I too, have been trying to pry this info from him.
Good luck

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

IT: I am blessed with perfect clarity with respect to everything I see, irrespective of the distance. Consequently the only "splits" around St.Onuphrius are part of Conseuella and the Latina Teenage Girl's liturgiucal dance routines.

Robert said...

Dear Fr. Christian,

I was thinking yesterday about your great need to continue fund raising so you may continue to bless others. I was thinking, how about a wrist band that has "WWFCD" on it. The band would be white to reflect your great purity and holiness and the letters would be in blood red to represent the five wounds of Christ. That way every time I looked at it I would be reminded to ask myself what I think Fr. Christian would do and then will be guided by your wisdom and understanding.