Sunday, June 15, 2008

The Loneliness at the Top

A woman whose mother was not entirely correct (somebody does care – Father Christian always cares until I’m certain a person can be of no further use to my ministry) has written asking why none of the ‘Gathered Brethren’ of the internet ever post comments here.

Dear Wicked Sinners – this touches on a nerve of great sensitivity for me: the truth is relations with many of my former students and acolytes is currently rather strained. Since little Kendall Harmon has refused to renounce his Wiccan involvement with elves I’ve had no choice but to sever all contact with him (Deut 18:10) - and incidentally, his latest post which praises colored men playing golf (or large cats becoming sexually aroused – and I’m unsure which is more inappropriate for a Christian to discuss), shows the depths to which he’s sunk.

On the other hand I believe young Father Kennedy is currently smitten with jealousy, and avoiding me in the hope I will simply go away and permit him to once again hold the firmest standing virtual pulpit on the internet. While poor David Virtue has been unaware of the existence of anyone other than himself for years: the poor little fellow thinks the rest of the web was turned off in 2005. His loyal assistant (the one with the foreign name who looks as if he used to be a member of the The Village People) has been desperately trying to bring David back to reality, but so far without success.

Which leaves nobody else capable of supporting me in this onerous task of teaching the Bible to those who least deserve it. Baby Puce (or whatever she’s called) doesn’t even sneeze without Fr Matt going first, and while there’s a few Australians online that display an admirable belligerence, they are either all related and just a mite genetically challenged, or desperately trying to marry into the Jensen Family so they can obtain jobs which don’t involve wrestling crocodiles and screaming “crikey

No, this difficult task is mine and mine alone – although as I am a pious man I do like to give the Holy Spirit credit for less successful parts of my ministry. It’s not an easy calling to be The World’s Greatest Bible Teacher, and sometimes life can be lonely – but then I turn to the Word and hear Our Lord speak directly to me and the whole struggle feels worthwhile.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Robert said...

It is indeed sad to see so many of the lesser GAFCON lights so fearful and jealous of that greatest light in GAFCON.

My name is Dan said...

Father Christian, I am puzzled why some of the websites that feature the lesser GAFCON lights you have mentioned always seem to have so many visitors online at any given time...even 2 a.m. in the morning. Is it because "broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat"? Matthew 7:13. Or is it because their visitor counters are stuck or rigged? Come to think of it, it is always the same six people who seem to be commenting in their laudable and righteous indignation about the sins of the sodomites. In fact, being a sinful sodomite myself, I'm always amazed at how these upright stalwarts seem to know so much more about sodomite things than I do. To be honest and confessional Father Christian, I often go to the site where young Matt posts most often to find out just what my fellow sodomites are up to.
Keep up the good work Father.

Anonymous said...

My only comment is: It is obvious you believe there is neither heaven nor hell. You had better be right.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Dear Anonymous,

Clearly you have never read the Scriptures, or else you would understand the importance of using an honorific when addressing a Bible Teacher of my significance. It's Father Christian to you - or if you are an evangelical 'Reverend Doctor' is also acceptable.

Further, were you to read the Scriptures you would clearly see that there most definitely is a hell, and it is the place from which manners (or the lack thereof) such as yours originate, and in which (subject to the miracle of your repentance) sinners like yourself shall spend eternity enduring unspeakable agony at the hands of our merciful and loving Father.

The Scriptures also speak most clearly about there being a heaven, and it is where I shall by virtue of the purity of my doctrine - sanctified by God's atoning torture of His Son Jesus - spend my eternity sipping cooling beverages while observing those on the other side of the gulf revealed in Luke 16:24-26. There’s no ‘better’ about my being right at all – my reading of the Bible tells me plainly that I am right.

No wonder you’ve hidden behind a cloak of anonymity. Anyone as ignorant of the Scriptures as yourself should indeed be ashamed of their name.

Anonymous said...

Dear Father Christian,

My neighbor is a Sodomite, and when I told him that it is my Christian duty to smite him as such, he told me that the correct Biblical translation was not "smite", but that I should be "smitten" in him, and he invited me over for tea next Thursday.

I am at a loss for a well-founded answer to this conundrum and would appreciate your expert firm guidance.


A mere layman