Saturday, June 21, 2008

Nearly time for the show to begin...

After a most profitable meeting with my local Bishop this morning, who is overwhelmed with gratitude that I alone among my local fraternity appear to have remained faithful, the future (and more importantly, my balance sheet) is looking very bright indeed.

The day became even better after a phone call from my GAFCON “flying bishop”. He’s devastated that my poor health (which results from the terrible persecutions I’ve endured as a result of my uncompromising stance on the Bible) appears to be delaying my arrival at the conference pilgrimage. I did my best to console him, and let him know it isn’t too probable St. Onuphrius’ will ever consider re-realigning with someone even more desperate for a few minutes in the spotlight than he is: by the end of our conversation it was clear he will be doing everything possible to advance my interests. He’ll have to work hard though; everyone knows how much money Little Pete and his fellow Australians have to throw around, and since word is out they’re willing to buy every parish they can in an attempt to stop the rest of the Communion from laughing at them, for the right price I’m not above changing my name to join their family. After all, in academic circles the name “Jensen” carries almost as much weight as “Troll”, and while they are Australian they’re not really as foreign as that Ali-Baba fellow from Rochester, so if I do decide to chase a little evangelical money choosing them would be unlikely to damage my reputation too much.

Anyway, the really exciting news is that everything here in Ichabod Springs is going exactly to plan. Since tomorrow is Big Pete Akinola’s official welcome to the “pilgrims” in Jerusalem, it’s less than a day before everything really takes off. My only disappointment has been learning that Bishop Venables has not yet shown up, and appears to have copied my strategy. I should have known better than to trust my advice to a man who can claim three alpacas and llama comprise a bona-fide congregation.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible

1 comment :

Anonymous said...

Fr. Christian. I thoroughly understand your interest in guarding the faithful while your eminent colleagues are away. I was thrilled to see all the smiling well nourished faces atop such corpulent bodies in that magnificent photo on the GAFCON website. Africa's riches clearly extend well beyond doctrine. How else could attendees afford the 5 Star accomodations at the Renaissance? It is good to hear that you are at home protecting the faithful from the MDG propagandists who riddle the media with tasteless photos that portray many Africans as poor and starving. Thanks to GAFCON, we now know the truth and GAFCON photos don't lie! EPfizH